SilvaShado

Thank you all for your feedback. I was finally able to revise it. It took a week, as I expected, to get far enough away from the creation mode so I could get into editing mode. As many of you suggested, I got rid of the convention setting. It was too confusing and it only led to the punchline of the pirate-themed Belville building contest. While I will miss that line, it just wasn't making sense in this story. I'll file it away for another tale. I'm not really sure what inspired me. My typical method for writing is to think hard about the prompt then forget about it. Some time later, usually that day, ideas will pop forth into my head and I start writing them down. That's how this one came to be with so many different concepts. Oh, and I hope this has a more piratey feel to it. Please let me know if you have more suggestions for improvement. I have a knack for editing other people's work, but ne'er my own. 'Tis with a blind eye that I see my work. lol!

And what hair would you have to braid, hmm? Even if you could braid it, I think I'd notice. Anyway, I have problems with Jack's dialogue too. Try distorting how he says things by misspelling words. Give him an accent. If we owned the movies, I'd just say we watch them again, but short of that, try searching youtube for scenes from the movies. I just thought of that... so now I'm off to do that myself!

You have a very good premise, but it lacks emotion. It’s very straight-forward, which can be good, but it’s also very matter-of-fact. I don’t feel any investment in the characters. And Jack, especially, doesn’t feel right or sound right. I think there’s too much going on to fit it in 300 words. I suggest starting the story with them already searching the beach. Jack can still comment about being there a while since they crashed, but it’ll give you more words to use for developing the story. I hope my comments are helpful. Good luck in the contest!

Absolutely wonderful! I love the humor in this! The antics of the minifigures are perfect and you’ve definitely captured Jack and Gibb’s patterns of speech. Here are some suggestions for improvement. Please take what you like and ignore the rest. While I love the imagery of the first two sentences, I was at a loss at to exactly where Gibbs and Jack are. Or what they’re doing. I get later in the story that they are trying to move Brickbeard's Bounty, but it’d help if you described how the two are moving about while they are talking. Some of their dialogue can be cut down as it’s not all necessary. I love this phrase: tupperware tomb – it’s perfect! You’ve misspelled two words. As Brickbeard is shouting, you spelled “toward” as “twoard.” Also, as the ship is falling, you spelled “teetered” as “teatered.” Only one other comment, I’d take the “S” out of LEGOS in the title of the story. Just a minor quibble. I hope my comments help! Good luck in the contest!

This version is much better. You’re much more focused and it drives forward very well. Here are some suggestions for further improvement. As always, take what you like and ignore the rest. 1. Your sentences are still a little long and lack any use of commas. I recommend reading your story out loud. If you run out of breath when speaking normally, you know you have too long of a sentence. Also pay attention to when you pause, that’s a good indication of where a comma should go. To give you an idea, here’s how I’d fix up your first paragraph with commas and sentence breaks: When Jack first mentioned the fabled ‘First Brick,’ Gibbs had just snorted in an attempt to stifle his laughter. It wasn’t that the old pirate didn’t believe in the super natural. After spending so much time with Jack, he had got used to it. But the tale of the First Brick was one even Gibbs couldn’t bring himself to believe. Supposedly, when the world was first built all those years ago, one of the founding bricks had been lost and swapped by a block from a different world. Not just a different place, but an entirely different universe. 2. Some of your paragraphs are too big. Generally speaking, a paragraph should be 4-5 lines, only 3-4 sentences. For example, here’s where I would split this paragraph, indicated in the parenthesis: When Jack first mentioned the fabled ‘First Brick’ Gibbs had just snorted in an attempt to stifle his laughter. It wasn’t that the old pirate didn’t believe in the super natural, after spending so much time with Jack he had got used to it, but the tale of the First Brick was one even Gibbs couldn’t bring himself to believe. (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE) Supposedly when the world was first built all those years ago one of the founding bricks had been lost and swapped by a block from a different world, not just a different place but an entirely different universe. 3. The dialogue isn’t quite arranged right. You want the leading action/description to be on the same line as the dialogue. And you can have a couple of sentences before dialogue, it’s just not usually recommended. For instance, here’s your first dialogue: You could change it to this: The preposterous nature of the story hadn’t discouraged the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. He was convinced that he knew its location and was determined to travel to that other world. After all, as Jack had put it, “What man is more free than one who is not restricted to just one world?” Or this: The preposterous nature of the story hadn’t discouraged the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. He was convinced that he knew its location and was determined to travel to that other world. After all, as Jack had put it, “What man is more free than one who is not restricted to just one world?” Both are acceptable, though I personally prefer the latter as it puts more emphasis on what he says. And if you keep Parlay at the end, by itself, the previous line should end in a period not a comma. One more comment, on this line: The comma after “around” should be a period. A period always separates an action from dialogue while a comma is used when describing how someone speaks. For example: Jack whispered, “You were saying, Mr. Gibbs.” Jack spun around. “You were saying, Mr. Gibbs.” I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions about what I said here. Good luck in the contest!

I really like what you’re trying to get at here. The PoTC crew has been dumped in a drawer with a bunch of the classic pirates. A fight begins to break out and all is calmed by the realization that they’re all toys. The picture is wonderful! I really like this concept. But some things are not conveyed very clearly. Here are some suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Please take what you like and ignore the rest. Some of the dialogue is not attached to anyone. It’s hard to see what is going on and who is saying or doing what. More concrete action needs to happen to help the story flow from beginning to end. Attach people to dialogue and actions. For example, I’d really like to know who said this line. I want to say it’s the dog, but I’m not sure. If it's the dog, I'd put the dialogue at the end of his description. Some of the sentences aren’t clear as to what is going on. Here’s an example: I am not sure how the ropes are moving or why. I’m also not sure which pirates are being referenced. They’re all threatening pirates to me, but if it is Blackbeard’s doing, indicate this by putting him in there. You really have a great concept here with some funny lines. You just need to clear up some of the confusion. Good luck in the contest!

I smiled the entire way through reading this entry. You have quite a lot of subtle and not-so subtle humor here. It’s all quite off-the-wall and I love it! My suggestion for improvement is the punctuation needs a lot of work. You use periods in the wrong places, have odd capitalization and some of your line spacing is off. Here’s some examples of what needs to be fixed. Both “Yelled” and “Screamed” should be lower case. When you are describing how someone says something, it is a continuation of the dialogue. It’s hard to see here because you use exclamation marks, but if you were to take those out, you’d use a comma before the quotes. A good method for checking over your story is to read it out loud. You’ll catch a lot of mistakes that way. I hope my comments are helpful. Please use what you like and forget the rest. Good luck in the contest!

Great punch line! I really liked the humor in this piece, but it’s a little held back by not enough description. It’s hard to see what is going on. It’s especially important at the beginning so the reader can get oriented. I’d suggest starting with Jack on Redbeard’s ship. That will give you more words to describe and still have the good humor and punch line. Also, punctuation needs a little work. It’s always hard to know where to put commas, but if you’d like, I can go through it after you’ve revised a bit. The above is just my opinion, feel free to take it or leave it. I hope it helps you. Good luck in the contest!

A very engaging ballad, for sure. Some of the verse was off, but overall – very well done. I really enjoyed the punch line of the gold being pearl not chrome. Below are my suggestions. Feel free to take them or leave them. I offer them in the hopes that they will help you. I know this is quite a challenge, but most poems keep to the same pattern throughout. It’s not a requirement, but it helps keep the rhythm going. You’ve mixed abab and aabb as well as no pattern at all. Here are the verses that I recommend fixing to have either the abab or aabb pattern. The last two lines have no rhyme: They fought us long, they fought us hard, Those noble soldiers in the yard. 'Til blood ran down the cobble stones And mingled with the ocean spray. The first and third line to not rhyme: He told me where they hid the gold, The mint arrived in sealed box And there it dangled from a crane, Above the jagged broken rocks. I’d also check with the contest organizers that a poem is acceptable. I’ve entered contests before that were story contest and those who entered poems were disqualified regardless of how good their poem was, but because it wasn’t a story. Good luck in the contest!

This sucks. I didn't know that Brickshelf was so unstable. Is there another image hosting site that people recommend?

Ah, yes the log bricks. We had some, but not that many. We haven't seen those at our local LEGO store, but we go in often to see what's new.

My need for complexity will be my undoing. lol! *sigh* It does currently say what I want it to say, but I am very aware that it says a lot, too much for 300 words. Flash fiction was always a challenge to me. I'll give myself a couple of days away from it, distance myself and see if I can come back this weekend with more objectivity on how to simplify and focus the story. Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you like it, but you're right that I'm going to lose a lot of readers if I don't change it.

Oooh, very engaging! I'm hooked and want to read more. :-D I only have two comments for improvement. Feel free to take them or leave them. 1. It's not a good idea to put one person's action at the end of another person's dialogue. For instance: I recommend: “If I’d been concealing a veritable arsenal, would you have been less so?” At this the officer’s face reddened and he pounded the table. “You’re a Redcoat spy, aren’t you? What are they planning, what are they up to now?” 2. Other than that, I only noticed a minor comma issue. When doing dialogue, you only use a comma if you're indicating how someone is going to say the words. If it's an action, you do a period. For instance: I recommend: “Just passing through on my way to eternity.” The prisoner rattled his manacles... I hope you've found my comments useful. Good luck in the contest!

Good entry! I really want to know what happens next! Here are my suggestions for improvement. Take them or leave them, up to you. 1. Your tense is all over the place from past to present, sometimes in the same sentence. I recommend picking one and sticking to it throughout the whole piece. Most stories are written in past tense, but there are some very successful present tense stories. 2. I agree with the other comments that you can easily shorten the first two paragraphs into one paragraph and get below 300 words. The trick to shortening a story is to do it a few words at a time or maybe a sentence that doesn't seem as necessary. Check often for word count and you'll be amazed at how fast you get to your goal. 3. Dialogue for each person needs to be on its own line so that it doesn't get confused as to who is saying what. It also helps emphasize what people are saying. So that last paragraph should really be several separate lines. If you want, I'd be happy to do a line-by-line once you've fixed it up a bit. I hope my comments have helped. Good luck in the contest!

Great first draft! I love the concept of them being transported into the world of LEGO. Here are my suggestions for improvement. Use what you like and feel free to throw away the rest. 1. You have a lot of run-on sentences. Try reading your story out loud. When you stop to take a breath, that is a good indication that you should put in a period or find some way to chop the sentence in half. It's a good idea to only have one or two commas per sentence. More than that and you really should have two sentences. 2. To cut down on word count, eliminate any repetition. Flash fiction like this needs to be short and concise. The first paragraph can easily be chopped down into a few sentences. 3. Dialogue - each person's dialogue goes on its own line. If you have a few sentences of description and then dialogue, put the dialogue on a new line. It helps to emphasize it. If you want, I'd be happy to go line-by-line once you've fixed it up a bit. I hope my comments have helped. Good luck in the contest!

My husband wrote that particular blog entry, but I also write entries for The Brick Blogger. I demanded globes in the ceilings of each floor and that's the solution he came up with. I was quite amazed as I had never seen that done before.

I don't usually mix either. I really didn't want to do the flesh tone females, but those were the best choices. As time goes on and I collect more females, I'm going to work on switching them out. As it is, these pictures show the old head for the main priestess. I have since given her the flesh head from that one female in the Indiana Jones series. That door was a work of genius of my husband. He really stunned me when he showed me how it worked. Finding good choices for female figs is always tough. Glad you liked them. I agree that the trunk is rather open. That's something we'll have to work on. Thanks for the suggestions! hmmm... a bathroom... I knew we forgot something! lol! It was my husband's idea to do the hammocks, but we worked on it together to get it to fit and look right. What are the palisade bricks? I'm not familiar with that term. I'd probably know what you're talking about if I could see it. We love medieval buildings so we're constantly buying brown whenever we can and we use it up just as fast!

Here's my entry for the Pirates of The Caribbean Writing Contest. Pirate Plank During a skirmish, our anti-heroes were sucked into the void of the Bermuda Triangle… With one eye, Captain Redbeard stared across the table. “Life was simple before I battled ye two. Only Imperials and Islanders to contend with.” Captain Barbossa grimaced. “I blame Jackie.” Jack Sparrow grinned. “I blame the Bermuda Triangle. Time to be rolling the dice so I can be getting back to my rum, savvy?” The three stared down at the odd game. A tiny pirate ship with four planks jutted above shark infested waters. A red figure lay on the blue plate while a yellow figure stood at one plank’s edge. On another plank stood a white figure. Jack grabbed the abnormal die and rolled. It bounced erratically, landing yellow up. Grumbling, Barbossa knocked his yellow figure off the plank. While Redbeard sighed, Jack secretly palmed the strange die. Suddenly, a doorway appeared in the void. The sounds and smells of the ocean wafted in. “You have fun, mates!” Jack shouted as he dashed to the portal. As the two pirates rose to their feet, Jack dove, head-first. A soft splash was heard as the doorway disappeared. “This isn’t the end, Sparrow!” Redbeard spat. Barbossa’s eyes gleamed with malice. “I’d pray he drowns, but he’s got the devil’s luck!” The two looked at each other and nodded. As they turned to the table, they saw the game had changed. A board with curved track on it lay next to a booklet that read “Race 3000.” “No!” groaned Redbeard. “Not this accursed game. It don’t make sense!” “Aye, it’s why we left it for last,” Barbossa said quietly. “It’s not even piratey” Redbeard nodded as he grimaced. “Let’s get on with it so we can leave this hellish place!” Barbossa murmured, “At least one of us.” (299 Words)

Glad you like it. Thanks for the suggestion. We'd love to expand it to have it hinge open and closed, but the dang thing cost close to $200 to build because of all the reddish brown we had to buy. But maybe one day, we'll do it.

Thanks for the welcome! You're right that it needs more on top. We used everything we had so we'll need to go and buy some more. But those darn things knock off so easily! And thanks for adding the image to my post. I'm still trying to figure out how everything works here. Every forum is different so it takes some time to get used to a new place.

I'm new on the boards here and just wanted to share the MOC that my husband and I made for the elves from the minifigure series 3. We built the tree ahead of time and then outfitted it with elves as we found them. I stuck some regular females in there, but one of these days, hopefully, LEGO will make female elves and I'll be able to replace them. Anyway, hope you all enjoy! http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=455907