SilvaShado

Very enjoyable! I love the setting and dialogue. I only have a few minor technical suggestions. First off, I'm a little confused as to why you've italicized certain words. Some are names, but others are just plain words. I'd be careful of over-using italics. It's good to use once in a while to emphasize an important word, but not to use it everywhere. Next, for the dialogue, there should be a comma before quotes, not colons. For example: It should be: Captain Brickbeard approached, saying, "Smiling? I also wouldn't use ellipses as they don't usually add much. I'd suggest taking it out of the first paragraph, but later on in the dialogue, it actually works just fine so I'd say to leave it in. But it's really up to you.

You've definitely strengthened this piece! I like it a lot. The end is superb Here is a minor suggestion to polish it off. There should be a comma after world, before the quotes. ...damn LEGO world," the doors...

This is a great outline for what could be a very engaging story. But that's the main problem--it reads like an outline, a synopsis. To make it have a bigger impact, and be a story, I suggest separating it all out and beefing it up. Use proper dialogue tags and capitalize people's names. If Brad gets a chance to read this, I'd be very happy to comment again on a revised version and give more detailed suggestions. Good luck in the contest!

Very strong entry. I definitely felt the emotions of the characters and had quite a feeling of anticipation throughout the whole story. Only a few minor suggestions. The commas are still a little off. I also agree that ellipses are not usually used. A double dash is another alternative. Here's how I'd rewrite the sentence: Then, hearing approaching footsteps, he turned, fumbling for his musket, but as a figure appeared from the gloom, his challenge died on his lips--it was Him. These sentences should all be separated by a line of empty space. The ellipses in the dialogue is actually a good use of it, but I'd suggest changing the end one to a period as it's really not necessary. Oh, and there should be a comma after nervously. I also suggest changing the ellipses here to the double dash. The dialogue should be on the same line as the speaker's action. It's usually not a good idea to have two different people's actions in one paragraph. You can do it, but to avoid confusion, I suggest separating it like this, which also punctuations the very end by separating it: Hearing these words, the private’s fears seemed to evaporate and he stood taller and prouder. Saluting, the sergeant turned to continue his rounds. As he walked off, a moonbeam pierced the mist and something glistened on his cheek. He wiped it away. Hope my suggestions help you. As always, feel free to take what you like and toss the rest. Good luck in the contest!

I tried to respond to your post by quoting what you said, but it wouldn't let me post it. So instead, I have bolded what you wrote in your post and put my comments below. I hope this helps you. Please forgive mistakes and don't tell me it's silly. I know it's silly and I wanted it to be silly - 300 words' story simply can't be epic, so I created something original and different. BTW, It has 300 words, and not a word less or more. I'm all for silly and odd humor, which you definitely have here. Not much makes sense so if that's what you were going for, congrats! You succeeded! However, I do have some suggestion for improving the technicalities of the piece such as sentence structure and the like. Please feel free to take or leave anything I suggest. I'm just trying to help out. And a picture of Jack, just because: Love the picture! Never seen Jack like that before. Very nicely done. Jack Sparrow came to a cave, where a treasure was supposed to be hidden. He saw a levitating man inside. The man said: I would suggest including the woodchuck here at the beginning. It comes as a bit of surprise when the Dutchman refers to it and then it does something when the reader didn't even know it was there. Also, "the man said" should be on the next line. It is always best to connect who says what on the same line as the dialogue. 'I'm a flying Dutchman, a Bounty Hunter who wants to kill you and grab indecently big sum of money as a reward from your enemies.' Your tense is a little off here, which can be done in dialogue because people don't speak good, but I'd like to point out how it should properly be written so you can decide which way you want it. You've written: "grab indecently big sum of money" I suggest either: "grab an indecently big sum of money" OR "grab indecently big sum of monies" 'And what's your teddy bear's name? Hahahaha!' As I said before, this is the first instance of reference to the woodchuck, but as it's written, the reader doesn't know what Jack is referring to. Yes, it is in the title of your story, but it's not a good idea to rely on that to inform the reader that there's a woodchuck there. I highly suggest including the woodchuck in the first paragraph with the levitating man. 'Shut up, malignant miscreant! It's not a toy, but my weapon!' ( Sparrow could no longer refrain laughing) 'It's woodchuck Norris, a cruel and sinister killer, who has slain more people, than you could even count!' - and they heard his daemonic laughter. The cave was lit by a flash of lightning. This is very confusing as you've put Jack's action in the middle of the Dutchman's dialogue. Also, actions should not go in parenthesis in a story. It's fine for a script, but not stories. And you have one too many commas in the Dutchman's dialogue and your tense is off. And the last line is confusing. Who is they? And who's daemonic laughter is it? Is it the Dutchman's or the woodchuck. Here's a suggestion for how to clean up the technical issues, but I don't know what your intention is with the last sentence so I am leaving it mostly alone. 'Shut up, malignant miscreant! It's not a toy, but my weapon!' Sparrow could no longer refrain laughing. 'It's woodchuck Norris, a cruel and sinister killer, who has slain more people than you can even count!' And they heard his daemonic laughter. The cave was lit by a flash of lightning. 'You see, evil character without special effects like that is as scary and menacing, as Teletubbies and their vacuum cleaner. ' Your tense is off or your missing a word. Here's what I'd suggest: 'You see, an evil character without special effects like that is as scary and menacing, OR 'You see, evil characters without special effects like that are as scary and menacing, 'Just...'- but before Jack was able to end this sentence, the woodchuck had jumped onto his head, scratching it and pulling his hair. Jack threw some Deluxe Bahama sausage (Tesco, 2 shillings/kg) out of the cave, so that Woodchuck Norris forgot about his task, and started to wolf down the sausage, enjoying delicate, subtle flavour of garlic. But then, the gate at the entrance shut immediately. 'It's the point of no return, Sparrow! If Norris is too weak, you'll die of hunger here!' You don't need the dash at the beginning of the sentence. Also, your tense is off a bit. And you have a very long, run-on sentence. Lastly, you need a space between the two paragraphs. Here's my suggestion: 'Just...' Before Jack was able to end this sentence, the woodchuck had jumped onto his head, scratching and pulling his hair. Jack threw some Deluxe Bahama sausage (Tesco, 2 shillings/kg) out of the cave so that Woodchuck Norris forgot about his task. Woodchuck Norris wolfed down the sausage, enjoying the delicate and subtle flavour of garlic. But then the gate at the entrance shut immediately. 'It's the point of no return, Sparrow! If Norris is too weak, you'll die of hunger here!' And before the sunset, when after having drunk several bottles of rum the Dutchman was a bit drunk, Jack said: 'My dear friend, I've just remembered about an oven I forgot to turn off, so I shall go home before my dinnner get burnt. Adieu!' Jack's dialogue should be on the same line, not separated. A comma should go before the dialogue not a colon. And some commas seem to be missing. Here's what I suggest: And before the sunset, when, after having drunk several bottles of rum, the Dutchman was a bit drunk, Jack said, 'My dear friend, I've just remembered about an oven I forgot to turn off, so I shall go home before my dinnner get burnt. Adieu!' Dutchman smiled and said: 'Bye, fellow! Come on Wednesday!' There should be a comma after said, not a colon. I hope my comments are helpful to you. I only have one more comment and that's that I agree with Blackpyre. This may not meet the contest rules as I don't remember a classic pirate called the Dutchman, but I am not fully familiar with all of the classic pirates so ignore this comment if there is one. Good luck in the contest!

Thank you both for the feedback. I appreciate the perspectives. Since we want a name that represents both of us and it will be used specifically for LEGO posting, I think we'll go with Both Sides of the Brick. Because as you said, it's most important that we like and we do. Thanks again!

I think it's a little unfair that one of the bonus points can only be had by participating in voting for a contest that is over. Additionally, when it was going on, you couldn't vote for it if you had signed up for Eurobricks after that contest had started (if I understood the rules correctly). Since I joined Eurobricks for the Pirates contest, I never could have voted for the picture contest. That's my two cents, but it is your contest to decide how to run it.

If they make more fantasy elements in the castle line then I'd be fine without a LotRs theme, but you've got it exactly - a LotRs theme would be fantastic for all the great customized pieces. I missed most of the fantasy line, it was right before I emerged from the Dark Ages, but I still feel that there's a lot more they could do. I mean, centaurs for one - hello? How hard can that be? And if they made a 3 headed dog for Harry Potter, why couldn't they do a whole range of mythical creatures? I'd also like an Asian theme that is historically accurate and focuses on buildings. I was hoping for more from Ninjago, but it's been nothing but a disappointment in terms of architecture.

I'm sorry to hear that they won't be imported to your country. Hopefully someday, you can get them from Bricklink. And you're very welcome about the link to the Brick Blogger. Both me and my husband contribute to the blog along with a few other people. I find it a very good resource. It's actually how I found Eurobricks.

It's true that we don't have to have anything LEGO related, but for places where we post jointly about LEGO, I thought it'd be cool to have something that represents us both. And that's a great idea to choose a piece that represents us as a couple. In fact, before I read your post, I talked to my husband more about the name idea and he thought of "Both Sides of the Brick" to represent how we each have our own ideas for building with LEGO that may be different, but that we come together to build one creation. What do you all think of "Both Sides of the Brick"? My other idea was to go a castle-themed route with Mr & Mrs Bricksalot, but that's a bit corny.

Thanks so much! Aw, that sucks that they don't have it. Is it out-of-stock? If so, next time you go in, ask them to help you order it. They're supposed to be able to do that if it's a normally available item and its not in-stock. Check out this blog post to see what I mean.

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. I took a quick look through that thread, but most of the screen names are not LEGO-related. It's 39 pages long so it'll take me a while to go through it all. But I'll give it a go as you never know where inspiration will come from. Video games is an idea. We play a lot of RPGs, though I'm not sure if we have a combined favorite. I know what I'd choose, Lunar as that's my favorite RPG ever. But I don't think my husband would agree. He switches around on screen names, but here he's using blackpyre. I forgot where he got that from. Thanks for the suggestions on various main words to use. That will help a lot.

I'm so glad to see that they're continuing with the winter theme. We have the Bakery and Toy Shop, got those this past November. And now a Post Office. It looks really nice. I do hope some of those pieces are new, but even brick-built designs are fun.

I hope this is the appropriate place to discuss this. If not, I'm sure the mods will move it and I'll endeavor to choose more appropriately in the future. Like many people, I've had an online username that I've used for years. And it's nothing remotely LEGO related. Now, as my husband and I have been AFOLs for a little over a year, we want to start using a cool and unique alias LEGO-oriented alias. It would be used for places like flickr and the like, where we post jointly. But we're drawing a blank. I was wondering if anyone would care to share their LEGO-oriented alias/user name and how they decided upon it. It might give us some inspiration. If anyone would like to suggest something for us, that'd be cool too. We're into castle/medieval/fantasy building. My husband likes to build big MOCs and then I do the detailing (accents & minifigures). Not sure what else to say, as we're relatively new AFOLs. We haven't really found a niche yet. I've started working on mosaics and I'd like to get more into vignettes as I love to tell stories. My husband continues to do free-builds, for the most part, letting his creativity flow. But we're looking for an alias that represents us both, not our individual talents. Thanks for the help!

Like many, this user name is old, one I used early on and kept and still use for most places I go to. Silva Shado is the name of a female dwarven rogue that I created for the Palladium role-playing system back in high school. She had silver hair and, of course, as a rogue, she moves in the shadows. I never did get to play her, but I created a very long back story for her. In a college class, I even wrote a short TV episode script about her and her world, but sadly, I haven't done anything since. Always meant to... but haven't. I continue to use the screen name because I haven't come up with anything better. I'm hoping one of the days I'll have a LEGO-oriented monicker, but not today.

Thanks everyone for the feedback! I'm glad you all like the forge. I based it off the realistic drawing I found. I found it very helpful to use a reference image to keep me on track as my mind tends to wander and lose focus.

After building the Blacksmith Attack, I just knew I had to build my own. So I bought another copy as well as a POTC Captain's Cabin. Those two sets plus my own collection, resulted in the following. http://www.flickr.co...57627118053550/ I'm new to flickr so I don't know how to embed the image into this post, but the link above has all of the photos that I took of the blacksmith. And if anyone is interested in the process I went through in building this, you can read my blog post about it. Thanks and I'd love to know what y'all think about it.

Before I get into some constructive advice, I do want to say that I really like the humor of Jack trying to burn the door and then realizing he can just open it. I also like the picture a lo! You've got a good basis of a story here, but it's not quite exciting enough. It reads pretty well straight through, but the word choices lack a sense of engagement. Everything feels as if it's being watched from a distance. I know English is not your first language so this is tough. Some of it is as simple as making your sentences more active and less passive. For instance: "he was also in possession of an instruction booklet of the Black Pearl, which Jack needed to rebuild his ship that has been destroyed by Blackbeard." To make it more active, I suggest writing it this way: "he also possessed a copy of the Black Pearl's instruction booklet which Jack needed to rebuild his ship that Blackbeard had destroyed." The good news about writing it in a more active voice is that is usually takes fewer words that you could use elsewhere. Also, even if you don't go with my version, the "has" should be "had" to keep the proper tense. Also, all punctuation should go within quotes, not after quotes. For instance: “You could thank me for freeing you”, said Jack. The comma should be after "you" before the quotes. "You could thank me for freeing you," said Jack. And if you use an exclamation mark or question mark, you don't need a comma at all. You have a few instances where you put a comma after the quotes. You can just delete those. Also, it's generally not a good idea to use parenthesis in a short story. But you can use a dash to emphasis and set apart something. For instance: "Jack Sparrow was silently sailing one of the rowboats of the Black Seas Barracuda (a ship he “borrowed” from Redbeard)." I would recommend changing it to: Jack Sparrow was silently sailing one of the rowboats of the Black Seas Barracuda -- a ship he “borrowed” from Redbeard. I hope these comments help you revise. I'll be sure to read over your revision and leave more comments then. Good luck in the contest!

This is simply amazing! The detail is just astounding! I can't even begin to figure out the techniques behind some of it, like the red and green windows. It'd be cool if you did some tutorials on how you built some of this. It's truly great to see more peaceful town settings, something LEGO doesn't do very well.

This is a very good narrative story. As the others have pointed out, no one has done a story like this. While not conventional, it is a solid form. You've already gotten a lot of specific comments, some of which I agree with and some that I don't. I agree with Bricks4Fun, that this line should be changed from "him" to "them": "while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him" I understand that you've left out words here and there, probably to make it under 300, but I actually like this styling as it fits with the dialect of the time, if this were a real historical period. I don't mean to pick on Bricks4Fun, but I disagree with this suggestion: "Next is the first line of the third paragraph which should have ‘these means’ instead of ‘this means’." It actually should remain this because the word "means" can be used for singular or plural identification. The word itself contains the s, but it does not make it plural. Consider this phrase: "The means justifies the end." Means is a way of doing something. It could be a single thing or many. So your sentence should remain as you wrote. Like everyone else, it doesn't fit with the movies to have the Black Pearl to rise out the water. If you want to keep the Black Pearl, I'd suggest having it sail in. Otherwise, change it to Flying Dutchman to rise up out of the water. I personally think any pirates that is not POTC would classify as Classic. But you can always ask on the main contest thread for clarification.

Having trouble getting her interested in LEGO? Has she read the book LEGO: A Love Story? It's a very good read and introduces the wide world of AFOLs.

Going to so have to save up for those! I was still in my Dark Ages when the Batman sets came out. I saw them and was tempted to buy them, but didn't and now I kick myself for it.

Thanks for the welcome!

Thanks for the feedback, JulieBlue and Bricks4Fun. I'm still open to tinkering with the story, but unfortunately, I'm not sure what to change at this point to make it more unique. I already parred it down so it wasn't so chaotic and focused more on what remained. I'm glad to hear that you both think it is well written and has good dialogue. Those are some of the best comments a writer can receive. Even if I can't make this stand out at the top, at least I know I'm solid in the middle. And that may be good enough to win something. And I'm glad I was able to reinforce the void of the Bermuda Triangle better. I think I was relying on subtext too much. And yes, of course, I planned for the picture to also reinforce the void. *cough* Yeah, it was brilliant of me.

Glad to meet another Castle fan! It's the best series. :-D Good luck brainwashing your wife. I hope it goes well. Pharaoh's Quest was a lot of fun. Don't forget to get her a copy of the Egyptian Queen in the collectible minifigure series 5 that I think is coming out in July.