Artahka

[Zane]

Here's a short story I wrote - it's Bionicle related, but I think you'll like it even if you don't understand/like Bionicle.

The broken warrior emerged weakly, but somehow majestically, from the murky water. The moonlight flashed off the sea's surface, lighting the shoreline. The warrior choked on the seawater, before heaving himself out of the water and slumping himself onto the shore. He gradually crawled up the sandy beach, choking. The shadiness of the night hid his erratically deformed armour from any creature's eyes. His usually fiery red eyes were now dim, his once formidable teeth now broken and rotting. His full-body armour was scratched from a thousand battles - all but one of which he had won - for in his last battle, he had faced the ones he cared for most - the Matoran themselves. The warrior coughed once again as he lay on the shore, wet and ruined. It was peaceful now. No noise was heard but the waves washing the beach, and the soft cries of birds from the trees above. Where he was now didn't matter. He knew that here he could rest and recover from his dark reign.

The moon had dominated the sky, until the sun had appeared, and the moon retreated. The warrior's rest had comforted his troubled mind, and now he awoke. His eyelids slowly opened, and he looked at the sand, before his eyes scattered about to see where he was. As if in a sudden realization, he jumped up, holding his hands in front of him regaining his balance. Ahead of him was a tropical forest. Birds fluttered from tree to tree singing happily. The warrior smiled, and trudged towards the forest, muttering one word in joy:

'Artakha'

Yeah...it is short.

TT

[Cutty]

[...]and now he awoke. His eyelids slowly opened, and he looked at the sand, before his eyes [...]

I never figured bionicles actually had eyelids (or whatever a biomechanical semi-lifeform has instead...).

And why are bionicles either: 1) supreme fighters of all what is good or 2) descendants from the very innards of evil impersonated...?

even those "civilian" matorans i always hear of seem to be very nasty violent suckers at times...

so, why all this bellicose attitude?

besides that, this hardly qualifies as storywriting. there is no actual story (as in series of events) told...

[gylman]

Very nice. An excellent mood piece. Is there more? Is the warrior based on a real character (i.e. Makuta)?

[Zane]

[...]and now he awoke. His eyelids slowly opened, and he looked at the sand, before his eyes [...]

I never figured bionicles actually had eyelids (or whatever a biomechanical semi-lifeform has instead...).

And why are bionicles either: 1) supreme fighters of all what is good or 2) descendants from the very innards of evil impersonated...?

even those "civilian" matorans i always hear of seem to be very nasty violent suckers at times...

so, why all this bellicose attitude?

besides that, this hardly qualifies as storywriting. there is no actual story (as in series of events) told...

Cuz the Bionicle characters are rarely nice.

There may be more, not really sure. This character was just someone I thought up of. Oh, and Artahka is like heaven, only you're still alive.

TT

[SuvieD]

I love writing . . . sometimes. Your flow is sort of choppy and not as grand as you might want it to be. Below is the passage with the same content reworded slightly.

The murky water stirs and a broken warrior weakly emerges, yet, somehow majestically. The moonlight gleams in the sea's surface lighting the shore. He raises his head gagging for a breath before crawling out of the sea and slumping himself onto the shore. Gradually, on all fours, he made his way up the sandy beach, choking. The loneliness of the night hid his deformed armour from every creature's eyes. The fiery red glow in his eyes which had burned brightly now faintly shone and a set of once formidable teeth now broken and rotting. Armoured from head to toe in a suit that bore the scars of a thousand battles all of which he had been victor, save one. For in this last battle, he had faced the ones he cared for most, the Matoran themselves. The warrior coughed once again as he lay on the shore, wet and ruined. It was peaceful now. No noise was heard but the waves crashing on the beach, and the soft cries of birds from the trees above. Where he was now didn't matter. He knew that here he could rest and recover from his dark reign.

The moon had dominated the sky, until the sun had appeared, and the moon retreated. The warrior's rest had comforted his troubled mind, and now he awoke. His eyelids slowly opened, and he looked at the sand, before his eyes scattered about to see where he was. As if in a sudden realization, he jumped up, holding his hands in front of him regaining his balance. Ahead of him was a tropical forest. Birds fluttered from tree to tree singing happily. The warrior smiled, and trudged towards the forest, muttering one word in joy:

'Artakha'

I changed next to nothing in the last paragraph as the flow was much better. Your descriptions to me at least are a little clunky sounding. One line which made no sense was the shade of the night hid him (and his crazy deformed armor) from any creatures eyes. Firstly, you have established that the moon is shining and giving enough light to be instantly aware of its presence. Secondly you later say that birds are in the trees above making noises. Birds are not up when it is dark until closer to sunrise. Nothing escapes their collective view if there is any light to see by at all. Either change this to make the beach silent because everything is asleep or introduce some sort of dense tree or cloud cover for him to crawl up onto the shore under.

Why does someone who has an evil reign go to bionicle paradise?

You have a good start here. Try not to describe every detail of the person at once. Save a few for the rest period after he is stopped on the shore.

[Zane]

Thanks. The second paragraph is supposed to be the morning, and the trees sort of made a broken shadow across him.

The reason he's there is for later...

TT

[Kahgarak]

Very nice!I'd be very happy if i were to go to Arthaka too. *shadowknight*