blackpyre

Bricks4Fun, this is one naughty pirate tale! ;O I think Jack knows something about the Gov since he calls him Backside. ;) And that last line I really was not expecting. Since you have to cut words I suggest looking at what feels extraneous. For instance, when Jack anounces himself as "Captain Ja...I mean..." You can remove the "I mean" to give you two more words. In addition, you might check out a few of the adjectives. They may be nice but they're often the easiest to take out. Lastly, look at the longer lines and see if there is a more concise way to say the same thing. MstrOfPppts gave a good example with the entering pirates. Lots of luck in the contest. Will

Okay, I put up all the versions I have. I'll take down all but one before the contest ends so I don't disqualify myself. This is just for reference. The latest version restores origninal dialogue, but adds where the light source is. This makes more sence as to how the light works in the scene. Once pointed out to me, it bothered me so I changed it. I was forced to condense Red Beard into Redbeard to make the words fit, but I don't think that hurts the story since I've seen it writen both ways. Any thoughts? Will

Hmm, Everything you mentioned was everything I changed. The part where Jack says he sesembels that remark and Red Beard agreeing with him seems to flow for me. In fact, I thought Red Beard had more reason to laugh seeing as Jack agreed with him. But I'm going to look at the story again. Maybe I'll go back to the original and find a way to fit in night. Since the open back wall should of let plenty of light in as you mentioned. Thanks for the feedback. Will

Okay, I made some dialogue changes to Jack. This definitely sounds more like Jack to me. And the hair I braided was me nose hairs. And you seem not to have noticed Silva, if that's your real name. Which I know it's not. :P Anyways, hope you all enjoy the changes. Will

Hey nice changes Silva! I like the more straight forward appraoch. I only have three comments for improvement. 1. Jack may be a pirate but his dialogue is usually cultured. The way it is writen here looks as though he's slurring his words for reasons we don't know. 2. This particular line is confusing. I know what you are saying, but the part about the instructions lay net to the game looks odd. A board with curved track on it was lay next toa booklet that read “Race 3000.” 3. Your last bit of dialogue is not attached to anyone. Are they both saying it? Is only one of them saying it? It's a little confusing. Other than that, this is a much easier to read story. I did like the orignial, but it was busier than most readers feel comfortable with given the small amount of words you have to work with. Good luck on the contest. Will

Woah, now that's what I call kicking the dialogue up a notch! It was at 5 before, now it's at 11 because that's one more than 10. At this point I wouldn't really change much since your sitting at a good word count and have a complete scene. I think I would ask you to punch up the verbs and adjectives not to fix anything but to see what you'd do with it since you smashed it through with the dialogue. Let me give an example of what I'm talking about. Let's say we had a sentence like this: The tall man walked along the street. Using more exciting words may turn out something like this: The lanky fellow tottered along the lane. Manages to give more description while saying the same thing. And let me re-state, I don't think anything is wrong with your story. I'm just curious to see what you could do with this approach. Will

I thought it might have been intensional. It just seemed strange since you have so many beautifully described details. I think I was just longing to hear how you'd describe him, but I completely understand about the word count. One thing. The very last line: This was fun but I simply must to be going now.” You seem to have a "to" that does not need to be there. Good Luck Will

This story looks much better with the spacing and the changes others suggested really helped clean up the rough patches. I agree with you about naming a particular song or band. After all, we want to keep this story clean and adding Hansons or JB would make this the first horror entry in the contest. ;) Seriously scary stuff. Entry is looking good. Good luck in the contest. Will Oh yeah one more thing. When Jack finds Yoda and Dobby, is there any way to say he also found others? That way, the zombie won't look like he's speaking out of no where. Hope that makes sense.

LOL You got me when one of the Classics metioned that Blackbeard's sword was made of rubber. I think because it is clearly seperated now I was able to get it. And good lord, I remember those Fabuland minifigure things. Man, they were creepy. And what was with that watering can? Did every Fabuland set have that? I try not to remember because it would give me nightmares. I like all the changes you made. Looks ship shape even though that ship is in pieces in a drawer. Will

Sweet!!! You know you've got a winner when people begin pointing out minor descrepencies. This is no fault or complaint since it shows how much they care about this piece. I think it's safe to say that you've definitely struck a chord with readers. It's impressive to see a strong dark work that connects profoundly with readers. And on top of all this you manage to add in additional complexity with rhyming verse. Well done! Now for my own criticism. Put the prize you want to win somewhere in your post. ;) That's really all I got. Everyone else picked up the details. Good luck in the contest. Will

Thanks Bricks4Fun, You should have seen my early versions. I spared myself the embarasement by not posting them up, but my first version had me at 500 words and I hadn't even thrown Jack in prison. This is what I ended up with after a hundred slashes with my LEGO cutlace. I agree about that little extra umph in Jack's words. I still haven't captured that facial lactation moment (wait, can I say facial lactation on this board? Anyways) with something Jack says. I have a good idea where it should go, I just haven't figured out how to make it sound right. Guess I'll need to spend some time braiding my hair and using words like "parley" to get into character. Wonder if my family will notice? Will

LOL I completely forgot about that dice game in DMC. Now that Bricks4Fun mentions it that really tickles my funny bone. LOL Good one :D

These other posts remind me. If you feel too attached to specific lines let the story sit for a couple of days. Both the replies you recieved look to be really good advice for cutting the story down. But it may be hard for a writer if you're too close to the story. This is something that took me a while to figure out as a writer so I didn't end up being angry and thinking people were trying to ruin my story. :D I don't think you'll have that problem. But if you do find yourself to attached just remember to stop, breathe, then go get a brick seperator to remove yourself from the story for a while. :) And again, good luck! Will

Well I agree with the others, you have good structure. There's clean formating and a logical progression to the story. Brick4Fun has it right. It does not matter if your story is serious or humorous. Both are valid points but there seems to be a lack of characterization. One way I help in this area is to ask myself what does the character want in this scene? For instance, Brickbeard wants revenge. Therefore, a calm expanation of why he is angry seems a bit out of place given what he wants. To go a bit deeper, Jack can be extremely serious in his desires. However, he masks his actions to look like a charasmatic fool to achieve them. This is where all the humor comes from. You have some good symbolism working for you here. All you need is more life into your characters to animate it fully. HOpe this helps and good luck in the contest. Will

Cool, finally found the thread that counts. Um, I'd start by seperating paragraphs with a double space for readability. The line "He has very little compared the on going classics." feels unecessary since you clearly show this with the lines before. I laughed out loud when Brickbeard started opeining sets. I'm not sure what you wanted to do with Yoda, Dobby, and the zombie. I know they're LEGO minifigures that manage to get into strange sets but it confuses the plot. As it is, the mermaids singing hits from the 90's works well to end the battle and they fit in the Pirate theme perfectly. Despite all that was going on, I never felt completely lost either. You do a wonderful job at clearly depicting the scene and how the ships meet. This goes a long way in keeping the reader from getting lost. Also, your placements of whimsy is spot on. My favorite lines involve the retro pants. :) Good luck in the contest. Will

Wow, this story dramtically improved. :) Other than changing "span" to "spun." I think it is a much more complete story. At this point I'd only suggest condensing scenes if it helps with the word count. Great job! Will

LOL, this is definitely a top notch entry. I liked the self contained nature of the plot with vivd description as pointed out with the other posts. Brick4Fun nailed it with the excellent capturing of the characters. Also, the point about Jack and rape. POTC is a Disney license and you can be sure they would not want Jack to mention such a thing. I was going to warn you agout writing "legos." On this point many fans will hold a grudge against your story. I learned this in some reviews I wrote a while back. Here's the advice I recieved. Use LEGO as an adjective as in LEGO bricks or LEGO minifigures. When you use it as a noun make sure you are talking about the company as in LEGO will release the Black Pearl later this year. Also, make sure LEGO is in all caps and not like this "Lego" or "lego." That should help you avoid a negative impression by LEGO fans. The only other thing I noticed is that some of your dialogue needs to have a capital letter at the begining of it. For instance, when Jack says "heresay it should be Heresay. On the whole, these are minor changes and you've done an excellent job. Good luck in the contest. Will

TazManiac reminded me of something else common in scripts. When a particular character is given action it usually cones right under the name italicized and in paranthesis. This is done right before the dialogue. It's too bad comic strips are out. It would have made a killer comic. Will

That helps me even more since I have not seen the 4th POTC movie. I think I was getting the impression that they were stored all together like how you keep your pieces. It was that part in the begining about it being seperated into drawers that I think was confusing me. My personal storage keeps the minifigures seperate from other pieces. I'm sure it will be an easy fix for you. Can't wait to see the latest version. Will

The picture should go a long way in clearing up my own confusion. I forgot to say which environments I was confused with. First, when blackbeard uses his ships lines. Is the ship still in tact or in pieces? Also, I didn't know if the Queen Anne's Revenge set was to one side or surrounded by the classic pirates. I'm sorry I was not specific earlier. I know my own weakness in writing is description and it's probably why I notice it. I'm constantly struggling with it. This is a really great innovative story and I can't wait to see it with the image and format changes. Good luck in the contest. Will

Hey a script! I didn't expect to see one in this contest. As for advice. Well, formating will definitely be against you. If I recall, everything should be centered with dialogue appearing under the character's name. That will take a bit of coding though. If you keep it this way, TazManiac is right in that you will need quotes for spoken dialogue. You give stage direction (i.e. scene changes and basic actions) but the story lacks solid actions. I'd suggest creating images to go along with the dialogue. You could make it like a comic strip. That way the visuals could help support the dialogue. As it stands, your dialogue is very straight forward and sensible. This is great in terms of logical progression. However, most of your story is dialogue and the overall effect is on the dry side. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think your dialogue needs a bigger flurrish. Remember, your entire story sits upon these spoken words. This means everything the characters say need to be larger than life. We're talking grand pronouncements and impossible claims. This will help capture the reader's attention. It's okay to go too big. It's usually harder to reign it in if it gets too big. I hope this helps. I really want to see your best work and I know the style you chose will demmand more than the average story. Good luck Will

Thanks for the feedback. In stories like this I really appreciate the opinion on questionable lines. There's little room for non-essential elements so I like to know if something works. I try not to second guess myself on these types of points but it's hard since I know I can't please everyone. But I can really try to come close. :) Will

Much nicer looking story. I even like the changes to the title. Now that it looks more sea worthy I want to point out a few loose spots you may want to change. The part where you describe the colors (Sorry U.S. english) it is stated colors, captain, then ship. This ordering seems a bit hard to red. It might be clearer if you had the colors, the ship then the captain. For example, red and white sails of the BSB captained by RB. I didn't want to write it all out since I don't want to tell you how to write. It just seems a little confusing as it stands. Also, the order to "...tied him to the mast..." I think it should be "...tie hime to the mast..." Then there is the reference to the mysterous man. Jack and Red Beard seem to know each other, so it's hard to grasp who supposed to be mysterious. Keep in mind I'm nit picking here and don't want to be mean in any way. Hope this helps. Will

The footnotes is a great idea. And I missed that reference to magic. Hmm, if tied in with POTC it could be voodoo magic? BTW was there a fourth player playing the game. I know Pirate Plank is a four player game and if they're at a convention it would be hard to imagine an empty seat. Perhaps Bones one of the many skeletons featured in the Pirates line?

LOL, this is a very clever entry. I like how they are well aware of their LEGO status. I'd recommend seperating paragraphs with a double space to make it easier for readers. I'd also suggest removing some dialogue to make room for description. I have an idea what the minifigures look like but have little to orientate myself on with the environment. Also, I wanted to point out that the rejection of parley and then the reading of rules by Jack's father seems contrary to itself. This is because the rules are used to define things like parley. Of course, old school rules may only involve not to play in grass and shoot projectiles at people. ;) Still this is a very promising start. Good luck in the contest. Will