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The Interrogation


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11 replies to this topic  – Started by CorneliusMurdock , Jun 14 2011 04:58 AM

#1 CorneliusMurdock

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:58 AM

The sun rose on the Eldorado Fortress and shone through the bars of the interrogation room.  The Bluecoat officer leaned onto the wooden table.

“Give me a straight answer,”  he growled at the prisoner.  “What are you doing here?”

“Just passing through on my way to eternity.” the prisoner rattled his manacles, testing their strength.  “Really nothing to do with you.  So if you’ll just give me my bottle and let me be on my way...”

“This bottle?”  The officer held up the large bottle and the intricately detailed ship rattled within it slightly.

“Careful with that.  I don’t go around smashing your things, least you could do is return the favor.”

“You show up on our shores with nothing but a toy ship and a broken compass and you expect us not to be suspicious?”  The officer deposited the mentioned items back on the table and leaned back.

“If I’d been concealing a veritable arsenal, would you have been less so?”

At this the officer’s face reddened and he pounded the table.  "You’re a Redcoat spy, aren’t you?  What are they planning, what are they up to now?”

“I don’t even like Redcoats.  Not so much as a little bit.”

The sunlight vanished swiftly as a fog bank rolled in.  The suddenness prompted the officer to go to the window.  He was met with a ghastly sight.  An ethereal ship was sailing into port as if leading the dense fog.  Lightning flashed and a woman’s wail could be heard softly but clearly, “Jack.”

Sparrow broke free of the manacles and just as the officer turned around whacked him with the chains.  He grabbed his compass and bottle and said as he left, “This was fun but I simply must be going now.”


Word Count: 293

Edited by CorneliusMurdock, 20 June 2011 - 02:10 PM.

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#2 SilvaShado

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:09 AM

Oooh, very engaging! I'm hooked and want to read more. :-D

I only have two comments for improvement. Feel free to take them or leave them.

1. It's not a good idea to put one person's action at the end of another person's dialogue. For instance:

Quote

“If I’d been concealing a veritable arsenal, would you have been less so?” At this the officer’s face reddened and he pounded the table.
“You’re a Redcoat spy, aren’t you? What are they planning, what are they up to now?”

I recommend:

“If I’d been concealing a veritable arsenal, would you have been less so?”

At this the officer’s face reddened and he pounded the table. “You’re a Redcoat spy, aren’t you? What are they planning, what are they up to now?”


2. Other than that, I only noticed a minor comma issue. When doing dialogue, you only use a comma if you're indicating how someone is going to say the words. If it's an action, you do a period.

For instance:

Quote

“Just passing through on my way to eternity,” the prisoner rattled his manacles.....

I recommend: “Just passing through on my way to eternity.” The prisoner rattled his manacles...

I hope you've found my comments useful. Good luck in the contest!

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#3 CorneliusMurdock

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:13 AM

Those are both valid points.  Editing now.  Good luck to you as well.

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#4 Tazmaniac

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:20 AM

There is one little thing that doesn't sit right with me and that's the manacles that held fast then later are broken....I assume the test while rattling them revealed their weakness though this is not confirmed in the story......just a small nit pick really.
Good luck.


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#5 blackpyre

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:39 AM

That's a nice story.

Wanted to point out "lighting flash" should read "lightning flash."

Also agree with TazManiac.  I'm not sure why it bothers me about how Jack breaks out just kind of niggles at the back of the mind.

I have to say description is your strong suit.  Since that is the case, was it intentional to give no description to Jack?  Since he is only revealed at the end of the story, it was a bit hard to picture him.

Lots of luck on the contest!

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#6 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:28 PM

Nice story and not like posters before I like the idea of jack getting free. It's a nice way to put the story to an end within the small word limitation! You only shouldn't mention that when he tested the manacles that they held fast. He just tested them, and was keep on testing them in hope the guard gets annoyed - like in the last movie!

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#7 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:39 PM

Hello

I enjoyed this brief run in with the bluecoats that Jack has on the way to recovering his beloved Pearl. Strong work.

Is the bluecoat officer Lt. de Martinet? Many remember him as the yellow epaulette bluecoat with the red beard and also Steve the trader from 6277. It would be nice if he was mentioned by name, solidifying the link between classic pirates and POTC that you already established by having your story take place at the Eldorado Fortress.

Also, while I believe that Jack escaping in the end is a great way to the end the story, I believe it is more in the way that he breaks free that is more important. Maybe he stole the key from the officer's pocket while he got too close, or he used one of the feathers on his hat to pick the lock. It wouldn't take more than a few lines to explain it away. You could also doom the manacles to break in the end by mentioning in the beginning that they were instead loose, or flimsy but Jack didn't think that escaping now with the officer in front of him was wise.

I like the mention of the redcoats, as your story definitely depicts no love lost between the two factions. Your descriptions are also very good, definitely the strong suit here. Because of the word count, one may encounter problems establishing a worthy narrative to go along with the dialogue, but you did not have this problem. Instead, you present the reader with a happy marriage of the two.

Thank you and good luck

#8 buddy

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 02:58 PM

Great entry, I like the that the story has a good mix of Classic Pirates and PotC, with the setting being Eldorado Fortress and the prisoner being Jack Sparrow. Also, you refer to the classic rivalry between the Redcoats and the Bluecoats. Another positive to the story is fact that you don't name Jack until the end of the story, even though in your mind when reading it you know it will be Jack Sparrow. This is because of the part about him have having a bottle with a ship in and a 'broken' compass, this adds some extra mystery and curiosity about the story that make you want to read on and confirm your suspicion.  :pir-classic:

I agree with others that a negative about the entry is the fact that at the start you say, 'the prisoner rattled his manacles, testing their strength, but they held fast.' If they held fast then, then how did he pull them apart and escape? This could be improved by you simply removing the part about them being tight or perhaps imply later on that it is something to do with the fog wothout mentioning it was the fog but wording it cleverly to make the reader immediatley associate the breaking of the manacles with the rolling in of the fog.

On the whole though, a great entry with good humour.  :thumbup:

~buddy~

#9 CorneliusMurdock

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:55 PM

Based on everyone's advice I have removed the words: "but they held fast".  This should assuage the concerns regarding them.   :pir_laugh2:

blackpyre: It was intentional not to describe or give Jack a name.  The name is because I thought it was a good feel for the story making it seem more from the Bluecoat's point of view.  The lack of description was mostly because the words needed to adequately describe Jack would really eat up the word count and ultimately I didn't think it was needed since almost everyone would already know what he looked like.

Bricks4fun: I didn't realize that the soldiers had names.  Are these from official sources?

Thank you to everyone for their kind words and for finding all of my typos.

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#10 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 07:08 PM

Hey CorneliusMurdock

Nice improvements, I like it even better so far! And yes, the Bluecoat Lt de Martinet is named in the LEGO Pirate comic (set 6255) along with the names of Captain Redbeard and Governor Broadside just to name a few.

I think that the identity of the prisoner being Jack is very much implied in the middle when the officer remarks about washing ashore with a broken compass and a ship-in-a-bottle. In the films, Jack is almost always seen fiddling with his compass and the ship-in-a-bottle is from 'On Stranger Tides'. Furthermore, they are also two items in the POTC LEGO line. Just about all the sets come with a compass for Jack (usually two as an extra piece) and 'Captain's Cabin 4191' comes with the ship-in-a-bottle.

Is this your final draft or do you plan on working on it some more? If you do continue to work on it, the only thing I can think of is adding more wit to Jack's dialogue to further cement the already strong foundation you have here. Just a thought, as otherwise you've still got a very strong entry here.

Good luck!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 18 June 2011 - 07:11 PM.


#11 blackpyre

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 09:15 AM

I thought it might have been intensional.  It just seemed strange since you have so many beautifully described details.  I think I was just longing to hear how you'd describe him, but I completely understand about the word count.

One thing.  The very last line:
This was fun but I simply must to be going now.”

You seem to have a "to" that does not need to be there.

Good Luck

Will

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#12 Zilcho

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Posted 20 July 2011 - 07:57 PM

Hi CorneliusMurdock.

Your story is very well written and constructed. I like your nice description in the second last paragraph as it gives you a real clear vision of what's going on. The cliffhanger was very good and now I want to find out more of what happens.

This was a very nice read, good luck!




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