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Lord-Koji

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  1. Obvious mistake. Anyway, again, "exclusive picture" should be exclusive. I don't think putting it on DA a few days ago made it so. Anyway, onto the chapter itself. The battle scenes were good. It was nice to see the Glatorian working and fighting like they were. The Zamor made more sense now, and it wasn't really deus ex machina. The Tsubasa character involvement all flowed together well. My problem was that there was nothing about Mata Nui and Skralla. Or, can't they see outside and know what's happening? I don't remember if they can see outside the Vahi.
  2. So it's not the same as from DA? Well, I know why they have to, but I'm going to be quite honest, the external ties are starting to get annoying. But then again, it's assumed, for instance, that Doctor Who/Torchwood/Sarah Jane Adventures and Power Rangers take place in the same universe (despite not having any connections other than one instance from each medium towards the other). Personally, I see why you put the Tsubasa characters in, because you like them. It just doesn't make sense to me to meld universes like that.
  3. A point of advice. "Exclusive artwork" shouldn't already be uploaded to DA, in my opinion. It should probably be added as the chapter is, or something. But, as long as people don't know where to find it... Anyway, onto the chapter itself. More combat, old faces (who I don't recall the origins of anymore), good chapter. Though, something I have noticed as of this chapter is that it feels like the Tsubasa characters have overstayed their welcome. Back when I first found out they were to appear, I thought it would be maybe three to five chapters or something to help them complete a mission, not actually partake in the final battle (but that makes sense, since that's when they appeared). To me it just doesn't feel right, but probably because that's not the way I'd write, that that's probably why it feels odd to me.
  4. Not to sound rude, but I don't really have much to say. More exposition, more combat. Although, it's nice to see Erax in battle. I still think you should have left his powers from the dropped Decade project in. I think that would have made him much more formidable and a much better warrior to keep the status quo of power more balanced. Or...maybe that would tip it towards their side. I don't know how powerful Garaxial's forces are, so I may be wrong.
  5. I feel that you may have weighed the battle down with dialogue. I can see the importance of getting the point across with speech, but a bit more of a balance between combat and dialogue may have been better. But a good battle so far.
  6. I did consider throwing in another W reference or two like that, but decided that with me running out of room for it, to leave them out. Maybe in the actual epic version. Yeah, W is amazing, which is why I wrote this. I was getting bored with my original Kamen Rider idea, wanted something new for BIONICLE, and just mixed the ideas. Except, nothing is going to be equivalent of the Dopant, just the fusion idea from W, and the crime motif, really.
  7. The actual basis of the epic version will be "art, crime, and teamwork", so the crime basis remains. As far as I know, for now, and this is for CIRCLE, it takes place at the start (a year before the bulk of the SS) two years before the Mata arrive. The main story takes place a year before they hit Mata Nui.
  8. First off, "gather as much Matoran..." or something like that was a line. Much should be "many". Still another exposition chapter, at the heart of it. Although, as things progress, it is becoming more interesting. Still, I think the final battle maybe should have been moved up a chapter, and the exposition should have been spread out to fewer chapters, like splitting this chapter into a few of the other ones, in order to actually get more into the heart of the story.
  9. “Ahhhhhh!” The pain was worse than anything else that he was sure anyone had ever felt in their life. This was worse than death. He heard nothing from the other. An axis of power enveloped their two bodies, and then, there was nothing, nothing but two eyes, and a figure rising. The power axis shattered, leveling the street and every structure nearby. The crimson eyes set their sights, and a hand was thrown out. “Goodbye.” One year later: Doppel Nui, a small island in the southeast of the Matoran Universe. Filled with majestic structures, majestic landscaping, and, an odd law. No Toa. Doppel Nui was only inhabited by Matoran, naturally. They were artists, sculptors, scholars. They were only working to increase the beauty of their island home. Toa were banned from the island, because, more often than naught, they brought only destruction. They were to bring safety, but, in that battle, they usually brought destruction. That was the problem with Toa, and that’s why they were barred. Rahi, however, still occasionally appeared, as did the occasional Dark Hunter, but, other than that, there were no problems. Dark Hunters would get out of the way soon enough with minimal damage. And Rahi, they were dealt with by Matoran soldiers. Matoran soldiers may not have been the best, but, they had weaponry to try to at least discourage the Rahi from returning. It helped fairly often, with minimal damage. Less than Toa brought. “Another brilliant piece!” A Matoran of Stone exclaimed, “Superb! I can’t believe a Ta-Matoran is this good! So much better than me.” The Ta-Matoran nodded, “It’s been a pleasure working for you once again.” He said, “Your vision is excellent, as always. I’m still pleased that my skills can match your vision.” The Po-Matoran nodded and picked up the new sculpture. He nodded to the Ta-Matoran, “Everyone will be jealous of me again! Once more, I own a sculpture by Recht!” The Matoran named Recht nodded, “Glad I could be of help.” He wrung his hands on a cloth, brushing off the dust from the sculpture, “Have fun with that sculpture. Have fun showing off.” The Po-Matoran nodded, “I will!” He rushed off, leaving the Ta-Matoran behind. Recht sighed and walked away. He walked back into the building. Outside on the sign, it read, “Recht Sculpting: The Sculpture of Fire!” As a Ta-Matoran, Recht wasn’t expected to be a good sculptor, yet, he was the best on Doppel Nui, somehow. Recht looked around, and then, walked towards his desk. He reached under it, taking grip of something. He pulled out a small key, and walked towards the other side of the office. He stopped and looked back. He heard someone knocking, and quickly dropped the key, and kicked it under a fern couch. He walked over, “How may I help you?” The Matoran, a Ga-Matoran, wearing a robe, walked closer. She drew out a small item, a badge. “Detective Gahla!” Recht announced. He walked over, “Can I do something for you?” Detectives were a big part of life on Doppel Nui. They managed to keep the peace, they managed to track down from the simplest of clues, and then, solve any crimes that could have sprung up. They kept the peace, better than any of the Matoran had ever seen Toa do. Gahla looked around, “Yes, actually, Recht.” She looked him in the eyes, “You’re under arrest.” “What?” He shouted. He took a step back on impulse, shocked beyond belief that he would be arrested. She drew a tablet from her robe. She held it out, “Look.” He looked at the rendition of a dead Matoran. The wound was mortal, and, had an odd shape. “We matched the wound with one of your sculptures.” She told him, “But, when we looked for the owner, we only found one thing.” “And what’s that?” Recht asked. “The sculpture is heavily desired.” She answered, “We thought that was why he was murdered. However, upon further investigation, we learned that the sculpture wasn’t owned by anyone, other than you.” She pointed at him, “One that you wouldn’t sell. You’re under arrest.” “What?” Recht shouted, “Come on! Why would I murder anyone? Especially with one of my sculptures?” Gahla walked over, “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Now, come easily and I won’t resort to force.” Recht shook his head, muttering to himself. He looked at the Ga-Matoran, “Fine.” He sat in a small, stone room, looking around. Gahla took a seat in front of him, and showed him the image again. “I’ve never seen him.” Recht told her. “A Fe-Matoran named Kornek. Are you sure you’ve never met him?” “I’m sure.” Recht answered firmly. “Do you even have proof yet that it’s my sculpture that matches the wound?” She rose, “Actually, I was about to head over.” She pointed at him, “You’ll be watched. Don’t leave the room, or we will resort to force. I’ll fetch the sculpture from your residence, and look at the wounds. If it matches, you’re in trouble. If not, you’ll be free to go.” “Fine.” Recht replied, “Go ahead. I’m confident you’ll find nothing.” Gahla looked to her partner, “Find it?” The Onu-Matoran ducked down, and pulled something out from a small shelf. He held it up, “Oh yeah! I found it all right.” “Good.” Gahla replied, still looking around for anything suspicious, “Take it to the prison. Have it checked against the corpse, and then, take the evidence and let’s see if Recht is innocent, or guilty.” Her partner nodded, and walked out with the evidence. She continued to look around, not really expecting to find anything, yet, at the same time, expecting to. She brushed her hand against a wall, feeling something odd. She looked closer, seeing the stone was fake. It was a thin layer. She brushed at it with her armored finger, slowly uncovering what was behind it. It was a symbol. Recht’s trademark. It was like a cross, but, had the two side bars sticking up at the end. The top bar had another on it, going right, the bottom was going left at the end. There was something wrong with it. A large gash was through it, as if someone wanted to get their point across. “Maybe…he was set up.” She muttered. She turned around, looking across the room. She saw the same mark across, on the opposite wall, but, this one was smaller. She strode over to it, and looked closer. It was indented into the wall. The indent was fairly small, but still… She leaned on the couch, and heard something move when it creaked. She crouched down, and looked under it, seeing a key. She reached for it, and took hold of it. It had been lying against a leg, and when she leaned on it, it moved. She took it up, and looked at the end. It was the same symbol, and the same size. She looked at the wall, but shook her head. The indent was too small…but still… She pressed it in, and heard the wall slide. She turned it, and then, heard a bolt being unlocked. She looked to Recht’s desk, and walked over. She saw a small patch open in it of the same symbol. She put the key in, and then, turned around. Recht was careful. She liked that, for she had respected Recht. But, if he was a criminal…he was a mastermind, to have set this up. This ingenious system. She walked over, and felt the wall. It was sliding down, opening a new path. A staircase, down under the building. She looked back, but of course, her partner was gone. She sighed, and drew a dagger. She walked down the spiral staircase, looking around the marble walls. Down ahead, there was light. Lightstones already lined the walls, but, they provided scarce light. Down there, there was more, however. She walked into the room. It was large, had a few catwalks, a few tables, desks, and, stone, wood, and any other materials that anyone working would possibly want. “Don’t bother me.” A figure complained. She heard chipping going on, and looked to a Le-Matoran, working diligently on a slab of stone. Sitting beside him were a few sculptures. “I’m not Recht.” She said, expecting the figure to assume she was the Ta-Matoran. “I know. I’m Recht, remember?” The Le-Matoran asked. He stopped for a moment, “Wait…” He looked up, and was startled, nearly falling off his seat, “Who are you?” “Who are you, is a better question.” Gahla replied, showing the knife and badge, “I’m Gahla, a detective. Now, I need you to answer a few questions. Recht is in for questioning involving a murder.” The Le-Matoran shook his head, “No. I’m right here. I’m not being questioned.” “What?” She questioned, confused beyond belief. “I’m Recht.” He said. “I’m the famous sculptor.” He pointed up, “Oh! You’re talking about him. No, he’s just cover. I’m an isolated genius, you could say. I just sit and sculpt; he handles things, and is my public face.” “So, let me get this straight.” She said, “You’re Recht, he’s not, right?” Recht nodded, “Yeah.” He stood up. He wore a pouch at his waist, identical to one that was sitting next to “Recht’s” desk. “What are you doing?” She demanded, “Sit!” He shook his head. He was a very uncharacteristic Le-Matoran, she realized. “Something’s wrong.” He said, looking up, “I have to go. And you have to free him.” “Why?” She demanded. “He didn’t murder anyone.” He walked upstairs, ignoring her calls. She ran after him, grabbing him around the throat, and smashing him into a wall. She pressed the dagger against him. “I’m putting you under arrest!” She shouted. “If you do, more people will die.” He said, pushing her away from him. He continued upstairs, into the proper lighting. She was shocked. No one had pushed her before. She was respected as a detective. She angrily rushed after him, but he was at the door to the outside, holding the identical pouch. “Now, spring my friend, and I’ll show you the real killer.” Recht said, walking out. She ran out, but couldn’t locate him. She looked behind her, and saw her partner coming. “Gahla!” He panted, having run a long way, “It’s not a match.” Gahla remembered the sculpture, covered in dust. Of course it wasn’t a match. It hadn’t been moved in a long time, that was obvious. For some reason, she wanted to believe Recht. “We have the wrong man.” She said. “Recht” was released into the streets, but followed closely by Gahla. He hadn’t received explanation, but was simply released. “Why are you following?” He questioned. “The real Recht said you didn’t kill him. He said that if I wanted to see the real killer, to find him, and free you.” “What are you talking abou…” “I know you’re not Recht.” She said. She looked up ahead, and pointed at the Le-Matoran, “He is.” “Recht” cursed. He walked over to the real Recht, “Well?” The Le-Matoran nodded, “Found him.” The Ta-Matoran looked to Gahla, “Stand back.” “Why?” She demanded. Walking down the street was a large figure. He was a bit larger than the average Toa. He had a wickedly curved stinger weapon on his right arm. The murder weapon. He was covered in black armor, full of scars, and had a missing eye. He carried no other weapons, and was only average in stature. How he was a Dark Hunter was a mystery. “Who are you three?” He demanded, “More people getting in the way of my mission, more I have to kill?” “We’re here to stop you.” The Ta-Matoran spoke. He took the pouch, and drew a stone from it, as did Recht. It was about a foot tall, each was three inches wide, and ragged. Recht stood on the right side, and “Recht” on the left, each facing the stone at the other one. “What is this?” The Dark Hunter demanded. An axis of energy encircled the two Matoran. It spanned out around them, and covered them in its power. In a flash of light, and a scream of pain from “Recht”, there was nothing but shadows as the energy departed. Walking out of the axis, however, was a new figure. A single figure. A Toa. His right side was green, his left was red. His mask was unknown. “Well?” The Toa asked in the voices of both Matoran, “Ready?” The Dark Hunter rushed him. He sidestepped and slammed a knee into the Hunter. As he stumbled back, the Toa span around, getting behind. He hammered him with a kick, sending him onto his face. He span around, and kicked the Hunter’s face, taking him up again. He quickly boxed the Dark Hunter with a few rapid punches in the chest, and then, followed up with a spinning elbow to the face, taking him back. “Time to end this.” The Toa sighed. He leapt up, becoming engulfed in flames and a cyclone. The Toa began to spin, and then, came spiraling down in a flaming cyclone at the Dark Hunter. The Hunter looked up and shouted. The attack collided, sending the Hunter stumbling back. The Toa span away from him, facing Gahla. “Checkmate.” He said in both voices, and then, snapped his right fingers. The Dark Hunter fell, erupting into flames from the fire half of the Toa. He was dead. Gahla rushed over to them as an axis returned, splitting the two Matoran. She was speechless. “Recht” slapped her shoulder, “Cover by saying a fire based Rahi did it to him. The Shadowed One should believe that. He wasn’t very strong, after all.” As the two walked away, she span towards them, and shouted, “Who are you?” The Ta-Matoran sighed, “I’m Linke. And the two of us…we’re just two Matoran.” And with that, Linke and Recht walked away from her, and from the Dark Hunter’s burnt corpse.
  10. More exposition leading to the final battle. No problem with that. The sphere given to Ackar is interesting. I was thinking it would destroy Averax in the process as well, but, I guess not. Powerful tool, possible deus ex machina, but, we'll see how it goes.
  11. Ah, more exposition, and now, an army is being raised. That's enough to satisfy me for a chapter. I can't wait for this final battle that's coming.
  12. Really? I actually don't remember Agarax in their party. Must be my mistake, then.
  13. DP. Anyway, the key thing was interesting to see. Again, the Tsubasa characters all look written correctly. One thing I missed, however, when did Agarax join them? Or did you possibly mean Garaxial?
  14. I don't see how the powers would make him immortal, they would just chang his form and powers, it's not like he would have one life for each form.
  15. I think your Tsubasa dialogue was pretty much spot on with the characters. You did well with them. Anyway, things continue to progress, showing us two time periods within the same period. The dual stories like that are playing out nicely, and the new information from the old epic is still good to read, it still fills in blanks pretty well. There's just one thing I noticed today and the other day. The use of the word "boyfriend" seems out of place, especially with Garaxial saying it. I don't know if you could find a better word, but it seems out of place, personally. And I really think you should have given Erax the Decade powers, as I'll call them. I think that would have made him much more powerful, and a possibly more interesting character, not to say Erax isn't a good character. I think the dropped powers would have flowed well with him.
  16. Well, what I mean for the Tsubasa parts are to at least describe the features of who's speaking, or something, not necessarily give their names. Just give a description of their form, so we know who's speaking, assuming you know Tsubasa.
  17. Once more, I find the romance between Mata Nui and Skralla to be very strange, almost forced at times. I pushed past it earlier whenever it became rougher and more cliched, but this was once more noticeable. I personally hate writing romance, so I wouldn't do much better, but it feels forced, or just too easily come by for them. The actual current storyline continues to progress nicely. Affairs are still in order with your characters, everything seems flowing smoothly, and now the Tsubasa lot has joined the cast. The introduction and manner in which you portrayed the Tsubasa characters is fine. I didn't see any problems, or anything with it. I quite enjoyed reading it, it sounded like actual dialogue, except when they were unnamed, it would have been nice to know which was which, like at least describing which of the three was wearing what, so we would know which was Fay, which was Kurogane, mainly. And something that just bugged me. Tarix saying "totally" sounds odd to me. Just something I wanted to point out as sounding a bit forced, or out of character. The word doesn't seem to fit his vocabulary, as far as I'm used to, anyway.
  18. I like the fact that we got some more Erax information. I'm interested in seeing where you're going with him, since the Decade project was canceled. Anyway, again, a nice fleshing out of the past events that we know from a few epics ago, and, some nice new information. The Sakari/Sakura stuff is progressing at a nice flow, in my opinion. I'm still waiting to see what'll befall Belraix (sp).
  19. Ah, a nice view of past events. I like the fact that you portrayed it as a different viewpoint than last time, it made the past events more interesting to read about. The main storyline had less parts, but that seemed to work well for this chapter. Now to wait and see what they do at the temple.
  20. I'd have gotten that reference. I'm just wondering on the summer sets. Hopefully they'll be new sets, not re-releases or updates (Nuva, etc.) of existing characters. I'm simply waiting on leaks so I can begin writing my 2010 Bara Magna epic, and re-releases won't do for my story plan. So, I have to ask, what month do we usually get summer leaks in?
  21. Ok, fair enough answer to the Ignika for me.
  22. A good start to it. However, one concern I've always had was the continual allusions and parallels to Tsubasa. The Vahi scene could have been executed better, to draw away from it (it is a good idea, I see why you used it). Like I said, changing it from the Tsubasa version may have been a better choice, but then again, Mata Nui isn't portrayed by you as a cold character, that he and Skralla love each other, and in that respect, it works. Double negative. The Ignika turning silver is interesting, but, I'm not seeing how it'll work. It only works on the Mata Nui robot, and I don't remember if you're using that, or only Spherus Magna.
  23. DP, sorry. Was that the final chapter? Well, it was good. It fully wrapped things up, and brought Erax back (sorry again about the Decade project). It was a nice conclusion, especially if Erax joins them. I think he'll be able to provide some nice story to it, with his addition.
  24. Ok, the timeline is making more sense now, at least. I'm sure the final battle will be interesting. And, before I forget, I may not do the decade project, so...about Erax...the project may not go through. I've kind of lost interest in it.
  25. I can see that you could wrap it up that quickly, since we're what, at the day Skralla leaves? A few days before? Anyway, the Surel stuff was all interesting. I never pictured Surel as the type of guy who would be involved like that, but, it adds to the enigma that his character has always been. And with Belraix (sp) starting to die (or at least, that's how it sounded), things are going to get interesting soon, it sounds like.
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