Bricks4Fun

Hello Since I joined today, I didn't get around to this one in time to help with the first draft. Nevertheless, this is a nice entry that was very much improved since the first draft. You have a unique concept here, with what appear to be the human form of Jack and Gibbs traveling to legoland. I agree with Blackpyre concerning the strength of your story as well, leading up to a cliffhanger. As you know, you still have to trim it down to meet the contest rules. One example: "After assembling a crew the buccaneers set off across the seas. Eventually they arrived at the most unassuming spit of sand in the Caribbean and after anchoring the Pearl, Gibbs rowed a small dingy while Jack stood heroically at its bow" These two sentences can be combined, as you have some 'extra information' in there that doesn't really matter one way or the other. There are bits and pieces in the story which may be combined that will help reduce the word count. When doing this, it helps to think about what kind of information is essential to the story. As SilvaShadow said, keep it short and concise. Good luck!

Macoco, Sweet! This certainly has more life in it than the first entry. The dialogue seems to flow much better as well; strong work! The only things that caught my eye were these sentences: "Mistakenly the cook was changing door signs at this time, he was fed up with the leak constantly dripping by his food. The crew end up throwing Jack in the kitchen instead." Seems a little confusing to me. Are you trying to say that the cook switched rooms but forgot to switch the signs and so Jack was thrown into the kitchen instead? If this is what you were saying, might I suggest: "The cook, fed up with the leaks dripping over his food, switched rooms to the brig but forgot to change the sign. Subsequently, Jack was thrown into the kitchen." Again, these are merely suggestions. My apologies if I'm nitpicking. As I wrote above it is much improved already so do as you wish. In either case, awesome job!

Hello I enjoyed you're script format as well, it gives a more dynamic feel to the entries in the contest that I read today. Script is an excellent way to make the most out of the word limit and you set it up nicely here. However, I agree with Blackpyre that the dialogue needs work; you've improved on the format it seems, from reading the other posts, so now you can just expand on it and give you're characters more life in their words. I feel that simply having Jack be detained as cook is anticlimactic, and that there could be more that you can do with the ending. Maybe Jack can bargain with Redbeard and have that be the focus of the story instead. Jack always bargains when captured as per the movies, so it would make sense here. Alternatively, you could opt to keep the current storyline intact but work on Jack's witty comebacks. Your example of Jack replying: "Well apparently my boat." is a nice example of this. If you see the movies, every other word from his mouth is a comedic line. And you have a comedic opening right there with the deckhand calling out to him; this is a nice place to insert a clever remark from Jack. You have another opening when Jack first lays eyes on the classic pirate crew (which you wrote "he has never seen before"). Surely, if there's anyone who would greet the smiley-face minifig crew with sarcasm, it would be Jack. Your story is funny but it can be funnier and more exciting if you wish to make it so. Good Luck!

Hello I've enjoyed reading all of these stories today! This latest one was a welcome mix of comedy, combat and references to several Lego themes. In the sentence: "Barbossa was now outnumbered, with such a new theme at his command, He has very little compared the on going classics." I assume you are trying to say that Barbossa is outnumbered and that Brick Beard's chess set is a new set that turns the battle in his favor. Is this correct? I also assume that you are trying to say that Barbossa has very little compared to the classic sets, no? You could instead say: "Barbossa was now outnumbered; with so few entries in his new theme, his crew could not contest with the size and number of the sets at Brick Beard's command." ...or a variation of that if you wish. The sentence needs some work and is the only confusing part of an otherwise well told battle between the old and new pirates. There have been many incarnations of the Lego Pirate world thus far, and this one is genuine in that you brought in Lego minifigs from other themes (Dobby and Yoda) and made references to others (Zombie insulted at cake shop or the 10216 Bakery, as I assumed you were trying to say). This creates a form of goofy comedy that is aimed at all Lego fans and thus serves your target audience, so nice work with that. This reminds me of a child that has minifigs from several themes 'crossing over' so to speak, into Lego Pirates. For example, Jack Sparrow drinking rum with the maiden from Kingdoms and Princess Leia in a Lego city cafe :p Jack was also very funny in this one, giving both comedic hits in Lego form (the turning with the head to scared) and also in his movie form (when he replies he's 'too drunk to do otherwise' a line that I could easily picture Jack uttering on the silver screen). Finally, if hot, 10/10 mermaids started singing Hanon's "mmmBop" while I was at sea, I would jump in and let them devour me too. Maybe you could add that in the last part, for it was the most horrific of all the 90's hits... All good fun and good reading as well, thank you.

Hello I enjoyed this brief run in with the bluecoats that Jack has on the way to recovering his beloved Pearl. Strong work. Is the bluecoat officer Lt. de Martinet? Many remember him as the yellow epaulette bluecoat with the red beard and also Steve the trader from 6277. It would be nice if he was mentioned by name, solidifying the link between classic pirates and POTC that you already established by having your story take place at the Eldorado Fortress. Also, while I believe that Jack escaping in the end is a great way to the end the story, I believe it is more in the way that he breaks free that is more important. Maybe he stole the key from the officer's pocket while he got too close, or he used one of the feathers on his hat to pick the lock. It wouldn't take more than a few lines to explain it away. You could also doom the manacles to break in the end by mentioning in the beginning that they were instead loose, or flimsy but Jack didn't think that escaping now with the officer in front of him was wise. I like the mention of the redcoats, as your story definitely depicts no love lost between the two factions. Your descriptions are also very good, definitely the strong suit here. Because of the word count, one may encounter problems establishing a worthy narrative to go along with the dialogue, but you did not have this problem. Instead, you present the reader with a happy marriage of the two. Thank you and good luck

Hello A very worthy entry in my eyes, I truly enjoyed the mix of fantasy and reality, with the Lego coming to life in the night while the child sleeps, as if it was a dream from his own conjecture. It takes me back to the time before my dark age when I would collect the Pirate sets and hoist them up on the shelves. High points for nostalgia. The opening is very nice, and welcomes the reader into your story with the subtlety of the fog and the opposing violence of the sabre. You also worked well within the word limit, and flawlessly I might add, with no loose ends or confusing points. Your dialogue is also spot on, Jack would definitely blame Gibbs for being late when he was on time all along. Excellent job of depicting that relationship here as well. It's also in the way you write the dialogue as well, with Gibbs saying 'Jack Sparra' which really brings his Pirate's tongue to the fray, again adding familiarity to the characters. Finally, you also worked in our anticipation of the Black Pearl in November as well; when will we get a photo!? I did notice one possible, yet, minor discrepancy, with regards to the line "rape, pillage and plunder". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall Jack ever saying he intended to rape anyone in the films, nor do I attribute such an act to his character. While I am well aware that real life pirates did force themselves on women, I'm not sure Jack did this. I could be wrong, and maybe he did mention it in the movies, but I'm not sure. Were it any other pirate but Jack, I wouldn't have brought it up. Other than this, I wouldn't change a thing.

Hi there, nice work on this entry. I applaud the direction in which you took this; the more serious approach as opposed to the comedic. I agree with the previous post that Jack killing Brick Beard is symbolic and it is the truest example of this that we have seen so far. Also, you succeeded in creating a concise story within the 300 word limit, with an opening that is informative and to the point and also pulls you in to your story. As for the humor aspect, and the calls for more of it, I believe what the other posters were getting at is that POTC has many scenes of humor in it and so it is expected in some instances (though remember there is much violence and bloodshed as well) If you wish to add more humor, I would consider the dialogue in your story, particularly that of Jack Sparrow. If you've seen the movies (I'm assuming most on this board have at one point or another) you will notice how Jack rarely says anything that isn't in one way or another humorous during his screen time. In your story for example, Jack asks Elizabeth to find food and says he and Will will build a shelter. In the movies, I believe, Jack would instead make a run for some rum or other vice in lieu of actually accomplishing something important, like finding shelter and food. It all goes in hand with what many characters in the movies have said, that "Jack never has a plan". But somehow, he manages to get things done. Some of the other entries have taken bits of Jack's dialogue such as "saavy" or "where's the rum". Some have even come up with clever lines on their own, things that in my mind, would be something I would see coming out of Jack's mouth. If you wish to add more humor, I would remember some of the funnier moments in the movies and try to incorporate some sort of derivation of them, or at least some of the dialogue from said scenes, into your scenes. But if you're happy with this direction of story/dialogue (as I said earlier it is different and so it stands out) then I would leave it as is. Good luck and please excuse the long post