Bricks4Fun

JulieBlue I am again impressed by the variety of entries in this contest. Here, a letter or journal entry depicting the final days of the classic redcoats and I assume, the LEGO Pirates as well. What I love about this is how it reminds me of a journal recovered from a naval officer. I love history, so in this sense it speaks to me. Also, I like the tone with which you took this; it is dark and disturbing in some instances (particularly the part with Blackbeard and his daughter, which I think is spot on, considering that in the movie he was very much not above using his daughter to achieve his own means). It also works for me because you took out the typical elements of Jack, Barbossa, etc and instead gave the reader a tooth and nail slugfest between the QAR and the Imperial Flagship, which I believe up until now, has yet to be mentioned in the contest. Can't say enough about the ending as well; I love that eerie last sentence, and kudos to the sailor who wrote the letter for going down fighting :) The inclusion of the Pearl was also a nice touch, playing on everyone's anticipation (or disappointment) with the upcoming ship. There are a couple of things to point out; a few minor and another one that I think should be looked into. For starters, the first line should have a ‘the’ before Queen Anne’s Revenge. Next is the first line of the third paragraph which should have ‘these means’ instead of ‘this means’. Again, just minor stuff that you don't want to cost you points. Like I told one of the other writers, you don't want to have grammar be the difference between your story and someone else's entry. This sentence is a bit tricky: “while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him” I think you meant to say that other people, such as the Admiral, stood and let themselves die. Keyword here is the plural at the end. If you take out the part of the Admiral: “while others simply stood and watched the horror overtake him.” It should be obvious here how it makes more sense if ‘him’ is them’. Finally, there is one thing that concerns me about this entry. While there is mention of the yellow head Pirates here, namely from Pirates II, does that qualify for Classic LEGO Pirates? I think the contest rules called for the classic LEGO pirates to encounter Pirates of the Caribbean: “To write a short story (300 words or less) about the classic LEGO Pirates encountering the characters/vessels/locations from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.” While I understand that classic pirates have the 6271 Imperial Flagship, I believe you are referring to the new Imperial Flagship no? What adds some controversy to this as well is that you do mention some classic Pirate ships (BSB, SES) that the QAR sank in the beginning of the letter. Is this enough to warrant a meeting/encounter between POTC and classic LEGO Pirates? If it becomes a problem, I would suggest changing the redcoats to bluecoats and that the ship in question be the Caribbean Clipper instead of the IF. That would keep your story intact! Unless of course Pirates II is considered part of classic Pirates; at which point my concern is unwarranted. Sorry for the long post, just wanted to lend a hand, particularly with the last part in case it violates the rules. Good Luck!

No problem, glad I could help!

This is amazing! Very nice work, agree with everything said above. Extreme focus on detail giving Will a rapier against Jack's cutlass. I love the walls, I think its very clever of you to make it in ridges, for playability and for style. I happen to like the wall very much, because from a certain angle, it looks like a fragmented tile floor (I think your pic really brings this out). Finally, the grandslam is the pictorial you included in full blown comic style; excellent job depicting the opening duel of the series! Wish it was a set you could buy!

I really like this MOC and I agree with the above post that it blows away the cage in the Cannibal Escape set. I like how you have both cages with Gibbs and Will in one and the other ill-fated cage that fell to the depths. My favorite aspect is the variety in minifigure heads/torsos which is spot on for the pirate crew. Good Luck!

From what I remember about my BSB, which is back home in another state, there are 4 ropes, all of different size. There is the long thick rope to attach the front sail to the masts, a thin short rope for the hoisted treasure chest and a short thick rope to tie the small boat to the back of the craft. There is also a short thick rope for the anchor. Have you tried peeron.com? It tells you information on the ropes. I would try the longest rope for the sails and the other two thick ones for the anchor and boat. Peeron says there is one thin 50cm rope (the treasure one I assume) and two thick 35cm and one 125cm ropes. The 125cm thick rope is for the sails I think. I would measure the ropes you have with these values and decide. Hope this helps; I don't have the ship in front of me so it is a little hard.

The fabuland dog, for me, adds a sense of the childhood fondness that I had in LEGO many years ago and now again as an adult, hence the AFOL thing. For me, it works very well, similar to one of the other entries posted where a child sleeps while his LEGO come alive by the night. What I appreciate in this contest level of creativity we have seen and the dynamic style with which people have presented their stories. For me, the aforementioned is a positive about the entry. As for the question of removing Jack, I do see now that Jack isn't all that involved in this story, so there is room for variation there if you need to add something or remove more words. I think for the most part, if you chose to leave him out, it wouldn't hurt the story for me. I look forward to reading your next draft and hope its even better than this one. Just keep an eye out for grammar, as I reread the contest rules today and saw that you might in fact lose points for grammar, so be sure to not leave any points on the table because of something that you could correct in two seconds. Copy and paste your story to a word processing program like Microsoft Word, which may pick up errors in sentence structures as well as spell check. And of course, I will be reading your story as well to lend a hand as you have done in mine!

Mstrofpppts I like your name btw, are you a metallica fan? In either case, I am going to take a day or two away from it and re-attack it using your suggestions, particularly the one recommending combining Will's line with his entrance. With 10 words to go, every bit helps so thank you! I'm also glad you liked the ending better, it was a last minute change. I think this version makes more sense with Will in it, but we'll see what other feedback it gets. I'm glad I opened it up for feedback, it is definitely helping. Did you guys like the picture? It took so much longer to construct than I originally planned! Thank god for pick-a-brick! My regret is that I couldn't include Will, because I don't own the sets he comes in. And as stated above, the Governor minifigure is 900 miles away! Thank you all for your help.

SilvaShado I am happy you found my comments useful. The story does make more sense now after the introductory sentence; now when you mention the Bermuda Triangle in the middle, it seems much more sensible and for me, it allows me to picture the story better. Also, because you mention the BT being 'a void' it goes very well with your picture and its all white or 'void' background. Was that purposeful? Brilliant! Just take credit for it already! ..thats what I would do anyways ;) Julie; I am going to go ahead and very respectfully disagree with you here, I believe that the story stands out because it is well written and the dialogue is strong. While I see what your getting at with the whole 'X' factor thing, I think that in terms of uniqueness, one can say that the BT is also something memorable from the story as I believe no other entry has any mention of such a place or story element. Just an opinion, in the end, I believe its fine right now as is. Good luck and thanks for taking my advice into account!

Mstrofppts Thanks for you input, I added description of exactly who is saying what the moment the bluecoats show up. I figured that in the beginning of the story, it should be self-explanatory who is talking because there are only two people in the room. I also changed the ending because I'm not sure if people got the 'Legolas' LOTR reference. SS I used to write many stories in script format and it seems it is a hard habit to break. Problem was I was so caught up with the picture that I didn't edit the parts out in parentheses. I included your suggestions in the new version, so thank you. As for Will, I think that with better explanation of who is talking, it makes it easier to follow when he shows up. Will has teetered between being left in or out of my story, but I think with these changes it makes more sense. What do you think? Is Will in or out? Thanks everyone!

Thanks MstrofPpts Glad you liked it and I look forward to hearing more from you. Also, I notice the image might need to be resized, I will work on this first thing in the morning.

For the Mill... Here's my entry, please feel free to tear it apart with suggestions as it is 10 words over the 300 count. In this second version, the image has now been resized; thanks again to the admin for pointing that out. Enjoy! (300 words) Disguised as a wench, Jack infiltrated an intoxicated Governor Broadside's chamber to retrieve his compass. Inside, a lavish feast lay between them. Broadside, after massive quantities of wine, couldn't tell it was a man underneath the wig and red dress. He likewise couldn't decipher the Pirate accent in Jack's raspy female voice. “Governor Backside, pleasure to-“ Jack started. “-It's Broadside!” scolded the Governor. “My apologies…” “No need my beauty…” Broadside burped. “What's your name again?” “Captain Ja…err…Jacqueline, sir” “Sexy name! Have some wine Jacqueline.” “I prefer rum, but what I'd fancy is for that compass ‘round your neck to be ‘round mine instead.” Jack snatched the compass. “Jacqueline, that's mine!” “Nay, my compass which briefly became your compass, is now my compass by law of possession, which is nine-tenths the law.” “…what?” asked the confused Governor. Jack removed his wig and dress, revealing his pirate outfit. “Jacqueline, we just met; we mustn’t plunge into love so recklessly! And…why are you wearing Pirate’s clothes?” Broadside inquired. “The better to fool you with Governor.” “You’ve seduced me! Oh, you salty wench! …Guards!” The Bluecoats arrived with deMartinet. “The merry Bluecoats! Governor, how do you keep them smiling all the time?” Jack asked sarcastically. “deMartinet, arrest this wench!” “What charges sir!?” deMartinet asked. “Thievery…she stole my heart!” Broadside cried. Suddenly, Will Turner crashed through the window declaring. “Jack! I've come to save you!” “Look, it’s Sparrow's eunuch friend!” sneered deMartinet. The Bluecoats laughed heartily. “Curses Jack! Look how far your rumor spread!” Will whined. Jack eyed the broken window to escape. He turned to Broadside. “Dearest Backside, it never would've worked out between us!” "Jacqueline no!" cried Broadside. Sparrow leaped out leaving Will with the Bluecoats. Broadside demanded. “Guards! Subdue the eunuch and force him into that dress! I won’t be alone tonight!” FIN Please excuse the modification of the Governor Broadside minifigure as I have been away from my collection for several months because of work and had to make due with the couple of POTC sets I have here and of all things, the Christmas Bakery. I do believe however, that Barbossa's torso fits the Bluecoat leader nicely!

Hello I think I will reiterate what Mstrofppts was alluding to in his comments. While I understand that the unknown aspect of the Bermuda triangle makes it reasonable to assume that absolutely anything (including being forced to play board games) is possible, it might help to add some explanation of how or why they are there. Was it Will Turner and the Flying Dutchman who sucked them in as retribution for being left out of Pirates 4? Was it Blackbeard and his voodoo magic? Was it the one-armed man? Regardless, you have an opening here as I see it, because of your picture. While you do a very nice job of describing the pirate game in detail, perhaps you can cut that sentence a bit and use the spare words to add a quick line of narrative explaining what happened to them. I believe you can afford this because of the nice pic you have included of the three playing the game, which already allows one to visualize it. Again, I'm not saying to scrap the description of the game, but maybe cut it down a bit and use what is left for a Bermuda explanation. I must add that I like this version much more than the last one and that the aforementioned is merely a suggestion. Best of Luck! I also wanted to add that the characters are definitely more 'Pirate-like' in this entry. I like how you amped up the comedy, particularly in the line where Barbossa hopes that Jack drowns. I can absolutely picture him saying that. Other than what I mentioned in my last post, I would be happy taking this entry to the judges. Nice Work!

Hi Will I think you did an excellent job of making Jack sound more like himself. The added bit of comedy in the second draft "I resemble that remark" is spot on and I agree that it flows well with Redbeard's response. I personally didn't take issue with the light source, but I suppose I can understand the need for changing it. My personal favorite is the second draft; it fulfills the need for added comedy and it solidifies the interaction between the two characters. I can't say enough about the perfect simplicity of this entry: organized, quick and funny to boot. Save for the dialogue modifications you made, I would almost be afraid to tweak this too much. Everything is in place. If you come up with any other slick lines for Jack in the next few days I would add them in as best you can. I think that its going to be a tough field, so every little bit helps. Good Luck!

MstrofPppts The line about the dog talking to the pirates can be made more clear by changing this sentence: The dog watered the flowers in front of him then addressed the crowd staring at him: That way it would leave no doubt as to who says that line. As for the ropes, I agree that if you saw the 4th movie you would definitely get it. However, sometimes you have to cater to your audience (especially in a voting contest) and so I would agree with the previous posts that it could use come clarification. Again, just make sure you don't compromise the story. You could for example, state that the ropes belonged to the QAR. And since it is clear that Blackbeard is the captain, it would be assumed to the reader that he's performing some sort of magic on them. I'll be here if you need any help. Good luck!

White Fang I enjoyed what seems to me like the beginning of another pirate adventure for Jack Sparrow. Before I comment on the draft, I must say I really admire the accompanying picture, even though it is not related to the story as you wrote in the disclaimer. You have Loot Island faded in the background and the hard to find: Jack Sparrow's Boat. Nice camera work! I like what you are presenting here, and the open ending you gave at the end does leave the reader asking for more. Do you plan on expanding the story on your own after the contest? I can tell that the story itself does not have an ending, so it reads more like an excerpt from a larger story. Moreover while I understand that for the sake of the contest, it may benefit you to make a more complete story as others have mentioned, I must say I still like that this is a snippet of a story as opposed to a complete one. This is what makes it stand out to me. There are many unique stories already posted in this contest and I think that this is no exception. Right now, I believe your main concern is in the grammar department. Some suggestions: "Through darkness and light, with no sight of land and not a single whisper of wind, only endless drifting in this vast blue sea, this was the beginning of Jack Sparrow’s endless tormenting expedition to seek the Fountain of Life." "Through darkness and light, with no sight of land and not a whisper of wind, Jack Sparrow drifted endlessly in this vast blue sea; such was the beginning of his tormenting expedition to seek the Fountain of Youth." While some are not a fan of the semi colon, I think in this case it can help you condense your narrative a bit. Furthermore, it lets you keep some of those great lines you wrote in the beginning ;) Notice I also suggest changing it to "Fountain of Youth" as in the premise of the 4th film, unless you are referring to some other fountain. There are a few other minor grammar issues, but for now, I hope that suggestion can be a guide for your next draft. Good luck with your next draft and please take nothing of what I suggest to heart. The fun is in admiring other people's creativity and your story definitely contributes to that!

Hi RedBricks Reread you story today for fun and I noticed a few minor grammar points. I'm not sure what value the judges will place on grammar while voting, but better safe than sorry I would say. Here are the lines in question followed by a suggestion on what to do about each one. We set our scene in the Caribbean sea. Where the former Pirate, now Privateer, Hector Barbossa assumed power We set our scene in the Caribbean sea, where the former Pirate turned Privateer, Hector Barbossa, assumed power Also: In a desperate act. Brickbeard opened his new Lego... In a desperate act, Brickbeard opened his new LEGO... Finally: Every body stared at their beauty, Until they began to sing... Everybody stared at their beauty, until they began to sing... Again, I only point this out because when someone judges a story, grammar might be the difference between two terrific entries. I'd hate to see your story fall out of favor because of something that could have been easily corrected. Good Luck!

Ok, now I see the Postman Dog. I vaguely remember the minifigure but cannot recall from where or when exactly. And I totally agree with blackpyre it is creepy and right out of a David Lynch movie. It is funny though and like I said earlier, it works. Good luck!

Duke I really like the name "Barbossa's Ballad" and I agree with you in that it does have the feel of a Pirate song sung by many a sailor at sea. I wouldn't change the title regardless, as it is eye catching and identifiable. Not to mention Barbossa is my favorite character from POTC!

MstrOfPppts Your story is much improved with this latest draft. I like this ending better as it is more straightforward. Also, very nice work with the word count; you managed to trim it nicely without compromising the story in any way. As it stands now, I would feel comfortable with this strong entry. However, there are two minor changes I would suggest. If you change your second sentence of dialogue to: Ay, and check their heads, that color makes my "Yellow" face turn green You'll be at 300 words and I think that it will clarify who is jealous of the POTC LEGO, in this case, the classic pirates. I also suggest changing 'the' to 'that' as I did in the example. I would also suggest rearranging the line: "fancy clothes detail" to "fancy detailed clothes" which I believe is more grammatically sound. I am not sure who the Postman dog is. Is this a standard dog from LEGO city? I think its cute that he waters plants. I read your story to my girlfriend and she liked this part especially! Are you going to include the dog in the picture you're submitting? Good luck, and I hope you do very well in the contest :)

Hey CorneliusMurdock Nice improvements, I like it even better so far! And yes, the Bluecoat Lt de Martinet is named in the LEGO Pirate comic (set 6255) along with the names of Captain Redbeard and Governor Broadside just to name a few. I think that the identity of the prisoner being Jack is very much implied in the middle when the officer remarks about washing ashore with a broken compass and a ship-in-a-bottle. In the films, Jack is almost always seen fiddling with his compass and the ship-in-a-bottle is from 'On Stranger Tides'. Furthermore, they are also two items in the POTC LEGO line. Just about all the sets come with a compass for Jack (usually two as an extra piece) and 'Captain's Cabin 4191' comes with the ship-in-a-bottle. Is this your final draft or do you plan on working on it some more? If you do continue to work on it, the only thing I can think of is adding more wit to Jack's dialogue to further cement the already strong foundation you have here. Just a thought, as otherwise you've still got a very strong entry here. Good luck!

Duke This was such a terrific read, thank you for posting it. I like how dynamic the entries in the contest have been; we've seen everything from scripts, to short stories and now, a poem. I concur with Buddy that you managed to work in so many themes into this and it was brilliant. The Bluecoats finding Aztec gold and later paying dearly for it is a very good POTC/LEGO pirates crossover. Furthermore, the joke at the end was perfect, I'm sure we all felt like Barbossa when we were cheated out of the shiny gold pieces in the POTC line! I must also say that I admire your boldness in submitting an entry that does not include Jack, giving us a different look at the characters from POTC. Finally, I really like the darker tone with which you wrote this, showing us the darker side of POTC. Both in style and content, your poem is, in my opinion, the most unique one yet. Strong work. VERY minor stuff: Broadside, as far as I know is actually a Governor, not an Admiral. I know there exist several controversies over the back stories for LEGO characters, but I remember he was always a Governor. Changing it wouldn't compromise your syllable count either, as 'Ad-mi-ral' is 3 just like 'Go-ver-nor'. In the storyline of POTC, Barbossa and his crew detect signals of where the Aztec gold pieces are located when they touch the sea. In part 1, they do not show up to Port Royal until Elizabeth's coin touches sea water when she falls off the tower. This is what draws Barbossa and the Pearl to the Gold piece's location, Port Royal. There is no mention of sirens guiding them in the storyline, however, I personally think it fits very nicely in your entry. I am merely pointing out a discrepancy between what is there and the actual storyline. Again, I think your way works better. Finally, I believe a ballad has a repeating phrase or refrain at the end of some or all of the stanzas. If you want to truly make it a full blown singing ballad, you could come up with a chorus for your poem uttered every other stanza. But again, what you have here is really good. Just mere suggestions, as I truly believe you've got a real winner here either way. Good luck!

MstrOfPppts I must say, for a non English native speaker, you did a very good job with this. I really like it when elements from the new movie (the ropes coming alive) are incorporated into the stories, so nice work with this as well. I agree that your dialogue is the crux of your story here; however, worthy descriptions are important as well. One thing that other entries have is that they first give you one or two lines of strong description, followed by several dialogue exchanges. This definitely helps with the word count, because you don't have to supplement each dialogue phrase with a sentence explaining what just happened. This holds even more true in your case, as you say that this is all taking place in a drawer and that the environment is kind of irrelevant. In which case, you can condense what descriptions you do give at the beginning and then give us the meat and potatoes of your story, which are the verbal exchanges between the LEGO pirates. Also, have you considered using a script format for this? I think it would cut down the number of words as it would save you from explaining who said what. For Example, in the line: “Although you might be greater in number, you don’t stand a chance against my sword and my zombie crew,” a calm voice of Blackbeard answered. You could do this in script format: Blackbeard “Although you might be greater in number, you don’t stand a chance against my sword and my zombie crew,” You just cut out five words. Or you could just say that "Blackbeard answered" after the quote and cut out 3 words. Good luck and as always, these are merely suggestions.

Macoco, I definitely feel for you: you have several funny lines to work with but have to obviously cut some of them out for the sake of the word limit. It is difficult, but on the bright side, you have a wonderful problem: you get to pick the best of the best lines and in the end, probably make it even funnier. The way I see it, you've got three scenes: first Jack comes aboard the ship (the shortest of the three) Jack meets the crew (the longest) and Jack heads to the kitchen. Your middle scene can probably be condensed. You'll have to be a brave editor and make decisive cuts here. This will probably get you under the word count. Alternatively, if you're married to the scene between Jack and crew, you could choose to cut either the first scene or the last. In my opinion, I really like your first scene; you have an immediate good joke which is always a crowd pleaser and goes a long way to keeping the reader in your story. You also have the good setup of Jack being picked up by the BSB. Many possibilities here. The ending is not bad, but I'm not exactly in love with it. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure that it doesn't compromise the story. Hope this helps, and good luck! I really want to see you give us a knockout.

Hello This deserves to get bumped to the top. This is an example of what you can do with two characters, a concise story and strong narrative to back it all up. The description of Redbeard is splendid; it makes me wish there were more words allowed so I could read more of it. The picture is also a nice touch, and it goes very well with the story. Overall, the best make the most out of the least; you did exactly that. If you want to to make it an absolute knockout, I would try to amp up the comedy in Jack's dialogue. It is already funny; but one, just one, milk-through-the-nose line of laughter will make it unbeatable. I honestly can't say much else in terms of criticism, I believe the 'playability' joke in the end is perfect, and adds the dimension of the two as toys in the LEGO world. Awesome Job

Hello Thank you for this, another dynamic entry into the contest, this time cleverly working in the Pirate board game. This scene reminds me of a more lighthearted version of the dice game that Davy Jones, Bootstrap and Will Turner played in "Dead Man's Chest". Was that your inspiration? Nevertheless, it had several elements to it, and the Belleville joke was a funny touch. I was only confused a bit by the mention of an official and a convention budget (both of which are at the Bermuda Triangle it seems). What I took out of it was that the three are playing to get out of the Bermuda Triangle. However, the mention of a crowd, official and a convention kind of throw the reader off course. These are elements that, were you to have had more words to work with, could be explained away; but because you have to respect that hard deck of 300, the reader may be confused by introducing themes that aren't explained. Unless you are really attached to these two aspects of the story, I would suggest leaving them out. At a glance, I think it works to have the three Captains gambling their ships (or their souls, as in DMC) in a LEGO board game minus the official and convention. Honestly, for me, your story also reminds me of Hades: I imagine three cursed Pirates passing eternity playing a game that no man can ever hope to win. You've got many options on the table here because of your humorous setup. You could even include Blackbeard in it, as he would definitely have earned a seat at the table with the three Captains... Again, take it or leave it, they're just suggestions. Your dialogue and narrative are strong enough to keep it a contender. No matter what you choose to do, you've got an excellent start here because the idea is so unique and can be modified in so many ways. Here's hoping you have an inspirational weekend!