JulieBlue

Can I claim bonus points for facebook page Name could not be found mailing list? VERIFIED Total: 6 Points -Did my facebook page get verified? I sent a follow up email. Thanks A reply was made to that Email explaining:

Hi All JulieBlue The last stand - 1 point Mstrofppts AS new set acquired - 1 point Bricks4fun My Dinner with Jacqueline - 3 points good luck everyone! Bonus points: I have one bonus point from mailing list confirmation for: Bricks 4 Fun "My Dinner With Jacqueline" (total 4 points)

Here is my essay, hope you guys like it! It took 2 years for Queen Anne’s Revenge to sail round the LEGO Caribbean and sink every ship in her midst. The Barracuda, Schooner, Rum Runner, Bounty; all were overrun by the ferocity of her cannons and crew. Likewise, every port she settled in was ravaged beyond recognition, the victims strung up from masts for all to see. It fell on us redcoats to stem the tide of flesh-toned hate, and send Blackbeard plus crew to meet the Devil. Our Flagship, the true power of these waters, sailed for months following the trail of bodies and bricks she left behind, like a shark seeking blood from a corpse. Nightfall. We came upon her by surprise, and only by this means did we gain any advantage. Despite our four guns launching numerous volleys, the ship fought like a lion, as if desperate to take us to the ocean’s grave along with her. We had to muster the courage of King and country to board her vile deck. The cursed crew and zombie officers were both horrific and brutal. And least should we forget Blackbeard himself, who took his own daughter hostage and threw her against us with a gift in her bosom: a stick of dynamite. And yet, despite all this, we survived the night and saw the enemy sink in a fiery collection of brick and sail. However so much had been lost, that our victory was hollow. And just when we prepared to leave we were blindsided. The Black Pearl rose up from the sea and opened fire. We knew that this was the end for us all. Some took their lives, while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him. Me? I finished this letter and prepared to meet death with cutlass in hand. THE END

Thank you to everyone who commented and provided constructive criticism. I will take all your comments into consideration. Bricks4fun thank you in particular for your insightful and supportive commentary, I will now ask the mods if my story counts for the contest because of the characters. I would've never picked up such an oversight and it would've been pretty bad for me if I would've been disqualified for not including the proper characters. Also, thanks for giving me a quick fix by including the bluecoats if I have to change it, very clever! Just to be safe, I think I will change the ending to accommodate a more LEGO type encounter based on cannons and size. One thing to remember though is that the Black Pearl did rise up out of the water in the 3rd movie when it crossed over from the world of the dead. But I agree its better if its the Flying Dutchman. JB

Yeah I'm glad you didn't take it that way, theyre just suggestions. And also thanks for clearing up the fabuland dog, I wasn't aware of it. If you are happy with it, then its all that matters! Can't wait to read the next version! jb

This was hilarious! 4 star dialogue and comedy. The backside comments were funny and I love the ending as well; didn't know the governor swung that way lol. So far, the funniest story yet complete with a complete and engaging story. The picture is also very nice, I like the hidden bluecoat staring through the window. You're right though, a Will Turner action figure would've made it perfect. My issue isn't so much with the number of characters or too much going on, and I was able to get who was speaking at what time clearly. My issue is that the narrative coul be a little better. You're clearly a master of dialogue here, and I like the narrative, but its missing that impact that I think will make this one unbeatable. Maybe a little more description would help too. Other than that, I agree with ppts, that it is 9/10. My favorite so far! jb

I totally understand how difficult it can be to write a story in your second language, so I'm really taking that into account here. I agree with bricksfun that you did a good effort for a non native speaker. In fact, my overall problem with the story is the direction in which you take it. Having a dog come out of nowhere to water plants and end a conflict seems way too wacky for me. Also, having Jack say almost nothing in this story but 'puppy' doesn't sit right with me either. It seems kind of forced. At the very least I would try to bring a more sensible resolution to your story that isn't so out there. I mean you mind as well have told me that 'at the end, godzilla comes in and kicks everyone out of the toybox'. I think that you can write a more clever ending, based on the insightful criticism you've been giving to others on their stories. Sorry if I come off a little obnoxious, I just think that it needs work for it to compete against some of the other stories. But hey, then again, what do I know, take it or leave it, your my underdog and I'm rooting for you mate! jb

This is very well written and it has very good dialogue as well. Clever in some instances too with a joke here and there. I'm not sure what the first version was, but I do like what you have here. Nice pic too BTW! I think it was keen on your part to include the pirate plank game. I can't quite put my finger on it, but its missing something. Its not very good of me to make such a statement without a better explanation, but I guess I'll defer to calling it an 'X' factor. I need something that makes it stand out from the other stories besides the crafty idea to throw the pirate game in there. Were this a bigger contest, I would strongly suggest addressing this. However, for this small contest, you have a strong story. Please don't take it too seriously, its just my opinion; I just try to look at the story and ask myself "what do I think it would be missing if I had written it" I f I want to win, I would try to have it have something that distinguishes it from the other stories. In all fairness, I'll be posting my own story this week for you all to comment on; just need more time :) jb

My personal taste doesn't favor story snippets; I like a complete story with no cliffhangers when it comes to flash fiction like this. Also, the dialogue seems a bit flat. People in the POTC movies speak with elegance and flair and I just can't picture the characters speaking the lines in your story. I would work hard on the dialogue here, as it seems like a make or break. The picture is nice, as mstrppts said, and I do think that you have an ok first draft, but it needs work if its going to stand against the other stories that were posted. Sorry for rambling a bit, if you remember anything at all from this, it would be to work on the dialogue. Ill spare you the grammar issues in the narrative that were already brought up as there were great examples given to you by the other critics. jb

Hi everyone, for my very first post after being a long time lurker, Ill throw my numbe rinto the hat for the creative critic (Mill here I come!). Sooooo, I agree with many of the things said above from the other critics. I think your dialogue is amazing, it is my favorite part of the story. The lines also flow very nicely, another strong point. I do wish though that there was a picture. Now, from what I read in the rules, you aren't forced to make a scene out of LEGO, but because I read other stories that were posted and they had LEGO pics, I would create something simple here if I were you. It shouldn't be too difficult, unless you don't own the pirate ship. Other than that, I think you should do well in the contest. jb