Toa Syaoran's Epic Review Topic

[Matsuoka Nui]

If the plan proceeds.... he'll go on a universal conquest between dimensions.

...but only the final act will reveal the future... as well as some "important" information....

which by the way, it's already out if you hadn't noticed.

Edited February 2, 2010 by Toa Syaoran

[Lord-Koji]

Now, what did I expect coming into this? Reading the finale and epilogue? I really don't know. I was wondering what you had cooked up for this, for the finale to this Bara Magna epic. First, let me begin with this error.

we sore

"swore"

Anyway...I don't know what to say. It was well written and executed, but, and I'm not going to sugar coat this, I'm going to blatantly say it.

Knocking off the ending of RxJ killed this for me. I can't properly review the end because of it. Because Gresh (Romeo) dies fighting the tree based Certavus (what's her name) and Kiina (Juliet) ends her life to help restore the planet of Spherus Magna (Neo Verona).

I didn't mind their real names. I did mind the blatant ripoff. Homages are fine. That however was beyond a homage.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Lord-Koji

[Matsuoka Nui]

....I knew it.... :sadnew: I knew that you'd be really disappointed I will not fight back with this other than that scene was quite sad but yet....(for reasons I cannot say, because you'll get even more upset)

Just be sure to expect Decade...for the first time... in all of my epics...."HOMEMADE", "from SCRATCH", whatever...you wish to call it!!!!!!!! (other than an xxxHolic crossover)....and disappointed you will no longer be......

Edited February 3, 2010 by Toa Syaoran

[Lord-Koji]

Go on, finish your initial thought.

Like I said, homages are fine. Hell, Bara Magna Chronicles pays various homages over the 70 chapters for 09. All of my works pretty much pay homage at points to various books/shows/movies. I guess you could say it was homage, but it was too close. I'm hoping Decade won't repeat.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Unless if you want spoilers in decade, I won't say how much homemade it will be. It'll be A LOT MORE.... but there will be some worlds that were previously featured back in AMC and PS while I plan to make at least 2 new worlds with HOMEMADE storylines.

Sorry, this "....don't know how to explain it"...just made me forget what I wanted to say... sorry, I need to "relax" for a little bit. But I swear, the Decade epic, I swear, I will not disappoint you....and if it does.... *sigh* then I'll stop writing.

[Lord-Koji]

In response to the last part.

If you think you should stop, then stop. If you think you need a break, just take a break.

You have talent. I know you haven't written for long, but you could become better. If you consider quitting, rethink, and take a break, read more (hell, read Sherlock Holmes. That's got a lot of great, archaic ways of using wording) of different variates, and try again.

[Matsuoka Nui]

I'll just slow down on the pace. I think it's better if I don't rush too much. And it will also give me time to do some drawings for this story. I haven't done any drawings (on here) since A Final Wish.

[Lord-Koji]

Mines was worse

“And what is?”

"it" should be added at the end.

“Cross worlds? Look, I am a Glatorian, I do not understand this world here!” he snapped, “Nor that I even care about this ‘hitsuzen’!”

Glatorian is a title, not a species. Glatorian wouldn't have been used until post-Shattering.

Now, onto the story itself.

I personally don't see the need to use the Japanese word, but I know why you used it. I'd prefer "inevitable", but like I said, I know why you use it. The Core War story matched perfectly, as I recall, from his vanishing. So far, Erax as a character seems to have some qualities he had later on, but not completely. Not sure if that was intentional or not, but hopefully as he grows through his travels he'll change. He felt darker in Petals, than he does now.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Well, it's like Kurogane back in TRC; he was immature and continued his "killing spree" to protect his world and was exiled from these actions.

Here, Erax is a bit more of a "forgiving warrior which is completely the opposite of Kurogane (if you put it that way)" in the beginning because he does not want to harm others in a war (though he's a good fighter). You'll definitely see him change multiple times.

This journey...will teach him an important lesson, remember what he said to Sakari and Syarix?

sometimes a warrior must sacrifice everything in order to change the future. And he must remember…that it takes more than just having the will to sacrifice...

This quote will be important to the story (not right away, but later on)

[Lord-Koji]

Ok, been a while. Finally got time to review.

Chapter 1:

Expected it to be Mata Nui as the dictator. Might end up being him yet, somehow, but the two Ignika story is interesting. Krakua and Lesovikk, two of my favorite characters, happy to see them here already. And Reed is tying things nicely together with your crossover so far.

2:

A great way to build up the story. I honestly expected it to be closer to being wrapped up by the end of this chapter. That you're taking time to deal with each area, it seems, is a good sign. This continued well, I like that it didn't pick up every plot, like the Garaxial plot again, since it probably wouldn't have started again this soon and would take more time to happen.

3:

Not sure why he would attempt to assassinate Ignika with rope for a strangle. Seems odd to me. A bit anti-climactic with Erax flying down...only to knock the Ignika off with such ease inadvertently and end it all right there. Around this point the writing also seemed to go down a bit, by the way.

4:

Oni Hunting Arc, I assume. I like the cold opening with some seemingly irrelevant characters, leading into Erax's involvement. It flowed well here, except for when he meets Erax, he seemed different. Not scared about his parent's deaths, or anything like that. That strikes me as odd, it was as if the deaths didn't happen, that no one was after him.

5:

At the start, the use of parenthesis is out of place. Use dashes instead, I think. Like "Syarix--Clone Syaoran--after she...". It looks and flows better. Same with the reincarnation stuff before it.

Scratch the Oni Arc, it's...whatever the first arc was with the Kudan manifestations. A Klakk was interesting to see as his Kudan.

6:

Nice to see Garaxial back again, and his involvement in things as of yet. The bridge battle...from Tsubasa, right? Was that the same plot line from Tsubasa? Whoever wins the bridge wins it all?

A snake seems very appropriate for a Jungle Tribe warrior. Also, how you split the story to go to Tsubasa and your other epic worked fairly well. Good idea there.

Ah, Mata Nui. New setting, one that will be a great read, I'm sure. Works so far with the odd situation from the Vahi's destruction.

I'll review more tomorrow.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Yeah, I thought the beginning (Ch. 1-2 were good but 3 was a "fall down) :( But wait until you read my finale story on deviant art, things will finally reveal itself on this multi-verse crossover. In fact the more you read on, things will get interesting. (depends on the chapter...xD.)

As for that bridge scene in Hanshin, sort of, more like the very beginning of the feud "Pre-Tsubasa"...xD There's a reason why I actually crossed over and it's more than just my likings, there's something out there that's causing these "fusions", there are some hints about this object but it's purpose will be seen in my finale.

I figured that you liked the awkward situation on the MN Island. That idea came to me when I decided to read those books once more. I realized how much potential they had to use to make alternate universes, so I thought of "a place where the Vahi was destroyed."

[Lord-Koji]

7:

Interesting showing the time shifts from the portals. And now it sounds like Erax has to go back in time to stop the Vahi's destruction, interesting.

8:

I like how you kept the events, such as Vakama and Teridax, mostly the same, but managed to fit Erax in pretty well, keeping him flowing with the actual events.

9:

Keetongu granting a wish is an interesting idea, but it worked well. Again, flowing canon material into your material works well and flows nicely as one.

10:

I like it that Garaxial only appears time to time, it makes his appearances seem more realistic, sparser to give him time to plot. Tahu partially recognizing Erax makes sense, reminds me of the screwy time loop of Donnie Darko (completely recommend that movie). Changing even Erax into a water breathing new form? Nice, love it.

11:

Piraka vs. Barraki, should have happened in canon. Good battle, great alliance after the battle. I don't know if I'm tired, or if some of the Toa parts felt rushed, so I can't really give more.

12:

Played straight, pretty much for Karda Nui. Erax's armor change was...unexpected, along with the location. It works for him, though, so it works for me.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Yeah, I had very little ideas about the Voya Nui- Karda Nui saga so I tried to keep it short, unfortunately they were probably too fast, but I'm glad that you enjoy this. I didn't want to spend too much time having to deal with the old adventures. ;)

[Lord-Koji]

13:

I like that you chose this as your world, making it the unofficial 5th movie world. It was nice to see Oris trying to be a hero and commit suicde by Lord. Leaving the planet? Interesting way to go about things, but it made you get to biomechanical dinosaurs, so I'm happy.

14:

Skralla's involvement is interesting, as is the entirety of the curse that these Agori carry. Interesting events leading up to the ending.

15:

I like that Vas was a monster, that was a good twist, as well as why he wanted the vial, his entire driving force. That, and the combination of Erax's weapons made for an interesting battle. But, I have to ask, why did he make the name "Decade"? Was he traveling for a decade, or something? I understand if you had hit every story year (but Mata Nui may count for the first 3, Metru for the next 2, even though it only happened once, and the Bara/Bota as 09/10), but I'm a bit confused as to the title.

Epilogue:

I don't believe "mother-sama" and "father-sama" are correct, if you're trying to use proper Japanese. As far as I know, it's "oto-sama", or something like that, for at least one of them. But I really don't know if that's right. I only pick that up from Sentai/Kamen Rider/Tomica Hero.

Anyway, the epilogue itself. I thought it may just be a wrapup of the story that Erax was telling, and leave it at that. That it actually continued on with an unexplained event (more or less), I appreciate that more, as a lead into the next storyline.

[Matsuoka Nui]

More like "the finale" on my latest story. All stories have to end eventually...anyway, I'm glad that you liked the Bota Magna Mini Arc. As for the title, I probably should change it...however I needed to get this story done asap due to how much time I have left in writing stories at all. Very soon, I do not know if I'll have time to write...