Nicholas Dickory
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If you're out there, vig, please do the right thing and kill Helena tonight, okay? She has to die anyway, right?
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You've suggested the watcher out themself presumably so you don't have to? If the scum know who the watcher is, why bother using that person as leverage? Does your understanding with them include you outing them upon your lynch? Because if it does, then they're dumber than you are, aren't they? If they know you're threatening to out them and they've bothered to look at the vote tallies, they can a) continue to cooperate knowing full well there's a 75-90% chance you'll be lynched, in which case you'll have to reveal them; b) out themselves preemptively, as you've asked them to do; c) megabluck with you, which is what I'd do, personally. Why are you fighting this? You were the one who told us to lynch you if Godric came up town, and here we are, so why the change of heart?
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I'm sorry, but why would the watcher tell you anything now that you've shown us all your true colours? Seems to me they wouldn't want anything more to do with you, would they? Up until now I trusted you, more or less, but this? This seems to me very off, okay? Why Bartholomew? What has he done? Granted, he seems to be one of the quieter ones, but does being quiet automatically make one an OE? Not in my experience, hmm? This seems like a desperate ploy to get at least some people off Helena's back, doesn't it? Asking permission to lynch Bartholomew, and it sounds like you know it won't have much effect, doesn't it? Whose word do we have to go on here? Only Helena's, and haven't we established that we can't trust her as far as we can throw her massive hippo megablocks? This is clearly an OMFGUS vote, isn't it? And it sounds to me like it should mean exactly that, doesn't it? If Helena is useless without her partner, what would be the point in keeping her alive? We have to kill OEs and third parties to win, and in my experience there usually aren't a lot of vanilla third parties running around, are there? I've already railed against Helena so much that I can't unvote her without looking like a hypocrite and a wimp, but you best watch yourself, okay, Belinda?
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No, you are not, okay? It strikes me that out of the mixed bag of reactions we've had to Helena's bluff (ranging from "Get ducked with a capital 'F'" to "Can we risk it if she's telling the truth?"), Belinda's is the most passive of the lot, isn't it? Everyone else is going "Whoa, bitch" and Belinda is going "J-just don't hurt us, okay?" She seems almost too quick to lay down at her hippo overlord's feet, doesn't she? I have to wonder if Belinda might be playing along with a teammate's strategy in order to move the vote onto... who, exactly? We don't exactly have any other leads, do we? Oh, well, it seems Twatty has volunteered; isn't that nice of her? The fact that Twatty so readily puts herself up for the chop makes me curious; could this be a ploy to endear herself to the town, knowing she won't get lynched but it will look good if she does? She, like Belinda, seems very ready and willing to trust Helena's word when the evidence suggests that's the last thing we should do, isn't it? I don't know if this necessarily incriminates them - it could be they're townies who were freaked out at the prospect of losing to this screwball - but isn't it worth noting?
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I told you; I'm the I told you; I'm the guy who tells you to knock that shit off and play nice, alright? So knock that shit off and play nice, alright?
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Inanities like this do nothing to help you, okay? And are we just supposed to accept you were not converted? As if you're telling the truth? Don't you know that ship sailed when you assured us Purplonia was town?
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How about giving the scum the names of three of the town's most powerful assets, so as to ensure that the scum can swiftly erode away the town's only chance of survival? By giving them the names, you give them the game; how's that for unsportsmanlike? Also, would you believe a thought has occured to me? We know the scum has only one killer, right? Or at least that seems to be the case, doesn't it? If we accept that Helena can no longer kill, and we accept that the vig would probably not want to off outed townies, that leaves us with the one scum-killer, right? The killer can only take out one person a night, which means it may be Day Seven before they can kill all of Helena's hostages, assuming they start tonight, right? Granted, they may be able to block, but that would still leave one person free, wouldn't it? They could block the Doctor and kill the vig, but the watcher would be free to see who did it, wouldn't he? Or they could block the vig and kill the watcher, but the Doctor would be able to save one of them, yes? Or they could kill the doctor and block the vig, but wouldn't the watcher again be free? And they wouldn't want to block and kill the same person, because that would a) be absolutely pointless and b) leave two other PRs free to run around, okay? However you slice it, it would take a few nights for the scum to get rid of the town PRs, and they certainly wouldn't be able to lynch those people, would they? Can we swear now? Shit piss megabluck megablock cocksucker mutha megablocker tits! This feels good, doesn't it?
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You may want to take some yoga lessons before you sleep with me, okay? These massive balls make for a tight fit, y'know?
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So, now you've outed yourself as a wild card, eh? And you (claim to) know the IDs of the town PRs? First off, how do we know you won't turn around and share that info with the scum if we leave you be? Second, if by some miracle you swear on your mother's grave cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die that you won't reveal that info to the scum, and they accept that they have no hope of getting you to talk, why wouldn't they kill you? If they now know that you know the town PRs and they (in my hypothetical scenario) know they can't get the info out of you, wouldn't you pose a substantial threat to them? If you do in fact have all this information, might they not want to silence you in case you stop acting like an absolute megablock head and inform an actual townie? Can you guarantee the scum won't kill you? Third, if we don't kill you today, can you guarantee the vig won't kill you? You know, the vig who you are now using as leverage against the town and is probably extremely pissed off about that? Because they (probably) trusted you enough to reveal themselves? The vig who still has the power to kill you if he/she desires? Bear in mind that if you strike preemptively and reveal the names in order to prevent one of the above hypotheticals, you blow your entire gambit out of the water and are utterly fair game, okay? And is it not slightly possible that the scum might be nervous about eliminating those whose names you claim to know, especially when everyone may end up knowing them? Seeing as how the doctor could protect the vig or the watcher, the watcher could watch the doctor or the vig, and the vig could kill you? Would it make sense for the scum to risk getting blocked/caught? And any other PRs we have may be willing to step in and keep an eye on them? Of course, this is all purely hypothetical and we should wait and see if God has something to say about this, shouldn't we? If he does, you're nicked, and if he doesn't, well, who's to say you won't get yours? Whoever you are outside this magical world, good luck getting into any mafia games in the future once people see the kind of unsportsmanlike crap you're prepared to pull. My name is Nicholas Dickory, and I nominate myself as Official Terrorist Negotiator for the District of Seks Ewe Alley. Game. F-u-c-k-i-n-g. On. Sister.
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Will this come as a surprise to anyone? Vote: Helena Hippopaw
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I'll see if Twatty's up for a t-h-r-e-e-w-a-y, shall I?
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No. No no no f-u-c-k you no get ducked no. You know what? I'm so pissed off right now that I'm willing to break with the constant question-asking bit. Not only is Helena being deceitful, obstructive, and colossally, impossibly, f-u-c-k-i-n-g stupid, now she's being arrogant. Helena, you told us Purplonia was 100% town and you were sure Godric was scum, as in the phrase... You told us beyond any shadow of a goddamn doubt that the lynch Gertrude was leading was going after the wrong person and we should lynch Godric. Because of a spell that must have turned us into a bunch of simpering morons for the rest of the day (don't worry, I count myself as one of the morons), we believed you. The lynch was taken off Purplonia and onto Godric, because you said so. We figured you must be claiming Cop or something, but it is now clear that is not the case. You deliberately misled us into lynching Godric. This is your damn fault, all of it. And you take your own sodding advice. Hey, she tried. She tried to lead a lynch on Purplonia and, as I have previously stated, you lied to us and ducked. It. Up. You, on the other hand, have done... what exactly? You have misled us into a mislynch for one. But you did give us our target for today, so I suppose that's something. *looks at clock* Oh, come on, we still have an hour and a half before we can vote? But I want to get rid of Helena noooow. No, but at the same time, you're being a huge detriment to the town. Honestly, Helena? I don't give a hot shit whether you're town, scum, or a third party, at this point I just want to see you go. It's like the old song says: "I used to want you dead but, Now I only want you gone." ... ... Rant over, okay? I just- isn't it astounding how somebody who has wasted everybody's time and votes like this could be so pigheaded? And I'm back to the questions, aren't I? And it's times like this I really wish I could say "f-u-c-k" in any of its present tenses, rather than having to spell it, you know? Anyone with me on this?
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Point, hmm? Stupid phone, why must you be so stupid? What I was going to say "Good point, but I'd still like to hear more from Helena, okay?" It is highly unlikely that Helena would stick her neck out for Purplonia like that if one or both were scum, so why don't I... Unvote: Purplonia Pink Vote: Godric Goaty-Blather (?)
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This is a bold claim, isn't it? How exactly do you know Pinkie is town? Convince me you're on the level and I might change my vote, okay? It strikes me as odd that people are suddenly so willing to change their votes without corroborating evidence; what do they know that the rest of us don't?
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This isn't much of a defence, is it? Rather than flying off the handle, perhaps you could explain yourself and try to convince Gertrude why she shouldn't vote for you? Even if you were lying, wouldn't that look townier than screaming your head off? And if you must sling mud at your biggest accuser, can't you at least have the decency to throw an OMFGUS vote her way? It is the polite thing to do, don't you know? I have been so far unable to get a read on you, but the idea of you trying to buddy up to Gertrude, combined with these statements, seals the deal for me, doesn't it? Vote: Purplonia Pink