Book II, Challenge V, Cat A - Buying time

[Trooper919]

 As the prow of the canoe cut through the choppy waves, the elves glanced around at their surroundings warily, as they were entering disputed territory. While three of the elves were dressed in the dark greens of warriors, a female elf in the bright green of a courier fingered her letter to the elvish king anxiously. Suddenly, a shadowy figure appeared on the shore. The elves hastily assumed battle positions when the Snake man attacked, for they saw it was a group of snakes wearing armor, the bravest and strongest jumped of the boat while the other elves reacted. The snake man swung his hammer and the elf blocked it, stabbed the snake man and jumped onto the boat which sailed away. The king got the message and mustered his troops to come to the aid of historica, but what no-one saw was a slowly reforming pile of snakes picking up a hammer and vowing revenge.

(Again sorry for no pictures still haven't worked that out.)

-Trooper919

[Henjin_Quilones]

First of all, for posting pictures, the following tutorial should be of use. Most people don't want to have to click through to a different website to view the pictures, so it is good to have them visible with the story.

 

The build itself is fine, though I think it would have been better to make your own elvish boat rather than using the single-piece canoe, as it does not really suit the elves in shape.

I think that the story would be better with some dialogue or some sort of named characters, rather than anonymous "female elf" and "elvish king", and simply narrating the story blow-by-blow is a bit boring. Give me a reason to care about the characters, a hint of emotion, or an appeal to the senses (describe the temperature, or tell me about a smell--do Snake men smell strangely, such that an acute elf-nose would notice?). I find it helpful to imagine the story from the perspective of a particular character (like the female elf). You could say something like, "Ursula clutched the message for the king tightly, wishing she had a cloak against the icy winds gusting from the sea. Suddenly, with a change in the wind, came a change in the smell--salt was replaced by snake! Looking up she saw a menacing figure on the shore, one of the dreaded Snake-men through whose territory the canoe was passing. Ursula shrank back as her guards leapt up to confront the Snake-man..." It makes it more interesting to read that way, I think. 

(I teach English and Literature, by the way, so don't take this the wrong way--I want you to improve!)

[Trooper919]

@Henjin_Quilones Sorry for the bad story, I was really rushing the story and I wished I had more time to expand it. Making elvish names is sort of hard. I wanted to make a name for the female courier, because I will hopefully include the courier in future MOCs. Thanks for the advice! 

[TitusV]

Some cool figs here, though as HQ says deeplinking the images would have really improved the experience.