Bricks4Fun

I'm so happy I got to be a part of the contest, thank you so much to everyone who voted and for your kind comments. I hope we have another contest again real soon!

Hello Toltomeja Your story reminds me of the wacky absurd humor of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, one of my favorite shows, so you've got me there. It is clear that you have a good understanding of humor, regardless of whether you were able to convey it in English. For having to write this in your second language, I tihnk you did and exceptional job. You said you were giving us something 'original and different' and you certainly accomplished that! BTW, the telitubbies joke had me in tears! My main worry is the one that was brought up before and that is there is no classic Pirates character in the story, so that might be a problem, but hey, you're still getting votes so it's all good! There are also grammar issues, but again, I think you deserve some leeway in the judging because this is not your first language. Best of luck in the contest!

This was such an enjoyable contest, I was glad to be a part of it. Here are my votes: RocketSeason The Compass 1 point (This one totally captured the essence of POTC for me. A serious, and tense exchange between Norrington and Redbeard; Bravo!) Mstrofppts A New Set Acquired 1 point (For a non native English speaker, I thought you did very well and also came a long way with your story. Great job!) Greg3 The Veteran 1 point (What can I say, this one completely won me over, I think it is the best entry in the contest; nice work!) Bricks4Fun My Dinner with Jacqueline 1 point (I allocate 1 point for myself) Macoco Where's all the rum then? (Another story that made huge strides in improvement; such great input from all critics turned this one into a contender.) Good Luck to Everyone!

For the Mill... Here's my entry, please feel free to tear it apart with suggestions as it is 10 words over the 300 count. In this second version, the image has now been resized; thanks again to the admin for pointing that out. Enjoy! (300 words) Disguised as a wench, Jack infiltrated an intoxicated Governor Broadside's chamber to retrieve his compass. Inside, a lavish feast lay between them. Broadside, after massive quantities of wine, couldn't tell it was a man underneath the wig and red dress. He likewise couldn't decipher the Pirate accent in Jack's raspy female voice. “Governor Backside, pleasure to-“ Jack started. “-It's Broadside!” scolded the Governor. “My apologies…” “No need my beauty…” Broadside burped. “What's your name again?” “Captain Ja…err…Jacqueline, sir” “Sexy name! Have some wine Jacqueline.” “I prefer rum, but what I'd fancy is for that compass ‘round your neck to be ‘round mine instead.” Jack snatched the compass. “Jacqueline, that's mine!” “Nay, my compass which briefly became your compass, is now my compass by law of possession, which is nine-tenths the law.” “…what?” asked the confused Governor. Jack removed his wig and dress, revealing his pirate outfit. “Jacqueline, we just met; we mustn’t plunge into love so recklessly! And…why are you wearing Pirate’s clothes?” Broadside inquired. “The better to fool you with Governor.” “You’ve seduced me! Oh, you salty wench! …Guards!” The Bluecoats arrived with deMartinet. “The merry Bluecoats! Governor, how do you keep them smiling all the time?” Jack asked sarcastically. “deMartinet, arrest this wench!” “What charges sir!?” deMartinet asked. “Thievery…she stole my heart!” Broadside cried. Suddenly, Will Turner crashed through the window declaring. “Jack! I've come to save you!” “Look, it’s Sparrow's eunuch friend!” sneered deMartinet. The Bluecoats laughed heartily. “Curses Jack! Look how far your rumor spread!” Will whined. Jack eyed the broken window to escape. He turned to Broadside. “Dearest Backside, it never would've worked out between us!” "Jacqueline no!" cried Broadside. Sparrow leaped out leaving Will with the Bluecoats. Broadside demanded. “Guards! Subdue the eunuch and force him into that dress! I won’t be alone tonight!” FIN Please excuse the modification of the Governor Broadside minifigure as I have been away from my collection for several months because of work and had to make due with the couple of POTC sets I have here and of all things, the Christmas Bakery. I do believe however, that Barbossa's torso fits the Bluecoat leader nicely!

Hi Buddy This entry has all the goods that you would ocme to expect from a contest like this. We get a nice photoshop pic of Jack next to the Imperial Flagship to kick things off, with a sweet font to boot. You went the narrative route which will make your story stand out a bit more, as many have included dialogue in their entries. Nevertheless, you crafted a strong narrative here and for a work in progress, you didn't need much progression to get to where you want to be here. I like how we get to go inside the massive Imperial Flagship, particularly the Governor's cabin. And the outwitting of said Governor was clever and I like the way you ended it with the Governor thinking how it's a tale for his grandchildren. I must also add that many (including myself) struggled with the 300 word limit, but you flawlessly wrote a strong story from beginning to end with 8 words to spare, bravo! I don't think many of the other entries can say the same. I would only say that I wanted to see a fight to the finish between the IF and the Black Pearl's crew. This is where I thought the story was going. I thought Jack got away a little too easy here but I still like the way you ended it nonetheless. Good luck in the contest!

Hi Zilcho I found this entry to be interesting from the standpoint of the plot twist of Jack working with BlackBeard to steal RedBeard's ship. You have the basis here for a good story and did well to include the major characters from both POTC and LEGO Pirates. I also thought it was really funny that Jack drank rum for 30 minutes and forgot about the pursuit, something that I can easily see Jack doing in the movies. The punctuation/grammar in this entry though needed some work. It makes the story difficult to follow at times and as SS pointed out, it displaces the dialogue. I would suggest running it through a word processing program before submitting next time, it can pick up misspellings and provide corrections. As far as I know it, grammar will count for something in the eyes of some judges so I would address this next time. I also know that it won't count against you, but it would've counted for you to have a picture associated with your story. Even now, the stories I remember best are the ones that have even a simple picture attached. As most people on this sub-forum own at least a few of the LEGO pirate sets, it would behoove you to include them in a picture. It goes a long way. Nevertheless, a solid work, just needs some polishing to go up against the other entries which had the benefit of critics and time to shape their stories into what they are now. Still, I wish you the best of luck in the contest and I hope you get many votes!

Hey Duck Nice work here, I'm a Barbossa fan, so this plays to my tastes! There's much LEGO themed humor here; the part with the round bricks was both funny and clever, as was the ending, which underscores the debate of bluecoats vs redcoats. The story has good pacing and reads very easily. Your Pirate's dialogue is authentic and well suited for the theme. I think your main issue here is grammar. They aren't major changes, but they should be considered as voters may take points away for grammar. There are many entries in the contest already, so you don't want to leave any points on the table for things you can change at the 11th hour. Some suggestions: "vessal and surveyed these unfamiliar water" Vessal is spelled 'vessel' and 'water' should be 'waters'. Also: he saw nothing and so called to his lieutenant “Get me some 1x1 round bricks ye’ scurvey dog!”. You don't need a period at the end of the quotations and 'lieutenant' should have a period at the end. There is a part in the story where you transition from Barbossa's ship to the fighting in the fortress. However, there is no introduction to this and it may confuse some readers. Fortunately you have a word to spare, and so I would use that last precious word in this case: "Meanwhile, Captain Rodger swung his sword at Governor Broadside. His eye caught something." Notice how I added the word 'meanwhile' to the beginning of the sentence. This clearly states that the setting of the story has now changed. If you had more room, you could define it further by writing: "Meanwhile, in the fortress, Captain Rodger swung his..." However that would violate the word count. You could get away with 'meanwhile' but for completion sake, and if you have time, I would try to define the scene change more clearly. If you need help with this Ill be around to give last minute advice. Another correction: “He have a peg-leg, unheard of for anyone not a pirate in our Lego world” The word 'have' should be 'has'. Finally: “Good sir!” shouted the Governor, to Barbossa “Are you a redcoat, a bluecoat or a pirate? You don't need the comma after Governor. Sorry for the long post, you'll notice however that most of the corrections involve a simple deletion or addition of a comma or word. I kept it this way since we are near the contest deadline. You've got a worthy entry here. I will be around for follow up if you need it. Good luck! Addendum: I just noticed the picture, it wasn't up when I read it originally. Don't worry about it too much, having a picture is better than not having one, it will make your story stand out. Also, win or lose, I would love to see a brickflick of this! Barbossa against Broadside and Redbeard, who could ask for more!

I definitely can relate to you when you mentioned reading over your story multiple times. I try to be as meticulous as possible when it comes to writing and still there are mistakes. Thanks for being so nice, I appreciate it; I will be here to help for the edit when you post it. Good luck in the contest!

Hi TK Glad I could be of help, I love how you worked in the storyline of Will as captain of the Dutchman. Now you've got a great summary of his life and what brought him to encounter Brickbeard. Your narrative will carry you far in this contest; good luck and if you have any other edits I will be around to help anyway I can!

Hello Rocket Season Exceptional Entry. From the opening picture (love the Norrington minifig by the way) to the engaging exchange between the two captains make this a serious contender. I love how you write dialogue; you've clearly watched the films enough times to portray Norrington's authoritative tone and eloquent words. The two characters here play off of each other perfectly and the scene you wrote looks like it was right out of one of the films. I also like how you allude to Jack in the story and how you created a backstory to him serving on Capt Redbeard's ship. "He grinned, exposing a row of yellowed teeth which matched his skin almost perfectly." I love this line; excellent description. If you were to add anything at all, it would be to perhaps define why Norrington wants the compass so badly. It would add yet another layer to the many themes you already have here. Maybe Norrington is using it to hunt Jack Sparrow or maybe he wants it to find his way back to Elizabeth. Maybe I'm reaching here, but these two sentences sound better joined: "Norrington peered out the windows for a moment. Assuring himself that the Interceptor was still sitting just off the starboard quarter of Redbeard’s ship before turning back to the pirate captain." I would join moment and Assuring with a comma. That's all I can suggest; if you were meaning to leave the best for last, you certainly accomplished that here. Good luck!

Hey Seagulls I really like your corrections; you're under the word limit and your story is much clearer now. I also like that you were very clever in naming the steward Diego, which clearly defines his character better. Also The name Diego Ramirez is a nice touch to add to the Imperial Guard authenticity and their connections to the Spanish Conquistadors. Closing remarks: “Clap him in irons!” was the jolly Admiral’s sentence. I would say: "demanded the jolly Admiral." Which plays on the whole yellow minifig head always smiling joke. Finally: So, here he was, Diego Ramirez, Admiral’s slave, spit and polish, cleaning the Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck. works better like this: So here was Diego Ramirez, the Admiral's slave, spitting, polishing and cleaning said Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck. Other than that, you've got a strong one here; since the contest deadline has been extended, why not try to add a picture using your sets if you can? I think such a nice entry deserves an accompanying pic!

Hello Comrade Commander Nice work with this entry, which works more like a prequel to the first movie. I like how you seamlessly connected the world of LEGO pirates to POTC through Jack; it shows that you are a student of both and it makes for a good story. I also like how we take a tour of the LEGO factions, when you mention each of them, including the Islanders with the Enchanted Island. These are but a few suggestions, hope you find them useful This: Not that Jack mind. The Imperial jail he had been held in was of such poor construction, the escape had almost been as easy as walking right out the back! This sentence can be combined and 'mind' should be 'minded' Ex: Not that Jack minded, for the Imperial jail he had been held in was of such poor construction, the escape had almost been as easy as walking right out the back! When separating sentences, it make sit easier on the reader to combine related sentences into one wherever necessary. This isn't a must, but it does make it easier on the reader. Ex: So Jack had set out on his own, discovering the Enchanted Island, and trading the treasures stolen from there for gold and rum. He had even profited from selling his map to his competition once he was done with it. While I understand that the gist of your story is about Jack and his travels throughout the Caribbean, it would help tie all the elements and locations together if you explicitly state that Jack is looking for something. For example you could write that Jack was searching for the cursed Aztec Gold in the LEGO Caribbean. This is just an example, but it would help make the story more exciting if Jack has his motivation clearly defined. It shouldn't cut into the word count too much, and if you need help trimming, feel free to ask for help. In fact, you could simply state that his motivation was to simply plunder, and that the next big catch for him is Port Royal. I would also recommend a adding a picture to your submission if you can. Many of the other entries have done this and it makes your story stand out which is key in a voting contest. Your writing is very good, I would just work a little more on the premise and I think you're solid. Good Luck and as always, they're just suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em, I enjoyed your story either way :)

Hello I enjoyed this entry which had a hint of 'dark comedy' feel to it. Probably the way that the characters rationalize death, a trademark of the genre. Very nice work conveying that feeling. Also score points for classic Pirates, as redbeard shooting Jack, Will and Elizabeth in one sitting is more than one could ask for. There is something both disturbing and yet humorous in the way that the Redbeard and Rummey talk to each other in regards to Jack's death. I think that your choice of going the dark comedic route will serve you well in this contest, as I believe not many have taken their stories int hat s direction, and so yours will stand out. Minor Suggestions: "Blasted fool knew better than disturb him at this hour." reads better as 'knew better than to disturb him at this our.' Also, while I can understand who is talking in the dialogue lines you wrote, some may take issue with not specifically stating who is saying what in your dialogue. If you have room, I would try to make it obvious as to who is talking when you present dialogue. It is an issue that has been brough up several times in other entries and you wouldn't want to lose points for something that can be corrected with a few words. The dialogue lines right after Jack is shot might be somewhat confusing to the readers (and in this case the judges). So if you have time, I would work on that. Otherwise, I enjoyed this entry and wish you best of luck in the contest!

Now 300 words, thanks for the suggestions and if there's anything else you guys feel is missing in the 11th hour please let me know; I'll do my best to change it. Good luck to everyone this weekend!

If you get this: "And if ye didn't move around so much" and change it to this: "And if ye would stay still..." You've got your 300 words back. There's a multitude of examples like the one above where you can cut words and not compromise the story. I'm glad you found my comments useful and good luck!

Artifex Before I start, I must say I love your avatar, I think G.I. Joe would've been beaten badly had Ozzy been in charge instead of Cobra Commander. I was just thinking to myself how we've had almost all of the different factions in LEGO Pirates included in these stories, except for the Islanders and King Kahuka. And here you go and fulfill this wish to see them included in a story; nice work! I like how you mention in the beginning that Jack is kind of proud to be the main course; Jack would definitely think that, ha. I also like the back story between Jack and Brickbeard and how they were raised by Redbeard. That's a very nice and tidy way to establish their relationship. You also did a good job including several sets and characters in the story. The running joke about Jack noticing Brickbeard smiling all the time works well too, nice comedic relief with Jack saying that. Some suggestions: "Anne was the wench Brickbeard had been in love" You should add 'with' to the end of that sentence, otherwise it doesn't read well. You could use this alternative and save yourself the headache of the word count: "Brickbeard had once loved the wench called Anne." or "Anne; A wench Brickbeard was in love with." In the beginning when you introduce Brickbeard, I'm not sure what is going on. Is he being held captive alongside Jack? Is he trying to rescue Jack? A brief explanation in the beginning would help clarify this. As I read it I believe they are both being held captive, but someone else might not read it the same way. You want to make your narrative clear. One thing that has been a pet peeve for many in the contest is to not clearly state who is speaking when you introduce dialogue. For example: "“Did you know your crew's fighting Governor Broadside’s imperials in that old mill up the mountain?” Is Jack saying this to Brickbeard? I can see that at the end, it is Brickbeard who says this to Jack, but nonetheless, I would try and have narrative either introducing your dialogue or at the end of it. It is not a pet peeve of mine, as I can mostly figure out who is saying what, but I notice it is something that is frequently seen as confusing. Since this is a voting contest, you might want to address this. All things considered, I like this story, in particular the Anne backstory. With some minor retooling, I think it can be even better. You've got an awesome foundation here; good job and good luck!

Hi Seagulls Nice work on your first post! I think that in this entry you really captured the feel of the POTC movies; the entire exchange between the crew and Jack Sparrow was right out of one of the films. And his diversion is classic Jack. The segment you wrote could easily fit into the movies or perhaps your own Pirate story. I also liked all the nautical terminology (larboard, quarterdeck) and old world writing style you employed for this story. It gives the reader an authentic feel that transports one to the era of Pirates and Privateers. I have a question. Is the Admiral in your story actually the Admiral from the LEGO Imperial Armada? I think he was the only one who wore armor in the LEGO Pirates theme. Please correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the Imperial Armada, then I must say this is a nice depiction of them and the first in the essays that have been submitted thus far. As I tell everyone, these are just friendly recommendations: In this sentence: "So, here he was, polish, spit and polishing the Admiral's blasted" You want your verbs to be all in the same tense, and also, it sounds less redundant if you don't repeat the verbs in the same sentence. You sound like you have a very nice vocabulary, so why not change it up a bit. Here you could say: "here he was, spitting, wiping and polishing the Admiral's blasted..." Or like I said, use your wicked vocab to come up with better verbs than the ones I suggested. Just try to keep them in the same tense. For this line: "But, it was a prize to be won, and they bore down on it," The word 'but' introduces a cause for the situation. It fits better if it is written: "But, it was a prize to be won, and so they bore down on it..." Also you want to keep consistency in your capitalizations. I say this in regard to the word 'Admiral' which is at times capitalized and at times not. It reads better if Admiral is capitalized, but if you choose not to do so, make sure that there is consistency in the word. My only other suggestion would be to maybe making the exchange between the steward and Admiral even funnier. A good, funny intro can swoon a reader and win you more votes. Maybe work on their relationship resembling a husband and wife maybe? Those are always guaranteed laughs. Of course, it is still funny as is. "Hours later the sun was slowly melting into the sea, and..." This isn't a correction, I just loved this line. Awesome job! Good luck in the contest, and I hope you had as much fun writing this as I did reading it ;)

Hi operrier Glad I could help out! I have seen some stop-motion vids on youtube about LEGO and some were very good. I can imagine they are hard work however, but then again you have a whole summer to put it together! Good luck and hope to see your completed work on here sometime. Maybe they should have a second contest down the line for LEGO Pirates vids (unless they have already had one on here)

I'm not sure if Brad will read this, but in case he does: That's a lot of action you've got there in your entry and kudos to you for including the ill-fortuned Admiral Norrington (as I will always remember him) since I don't recall his mention in any of the other stories. I'm not sure if you did a word count, but you've got almost 200 more words to spare; why not write some more? You could probably expand your ideas and add even more plot to your Pirate skirmish. Also, if you do decide to add more words, try spacing out the sentences more, it's just a suggestion to make it easier to read. Also, do you plan on submitting a picture as well? I'd love to see what Fill looks like :) As I tell everyone, these are just suggestions not to be taken to heart in any way. Good Luck!

Hi Greg And as for the ellipsis, I have heard similar opinions on their usage in literature, and Mastrofppts brings up a great point that improper usage of the ellipsis can cripple a story. Here however, we see brilliant utilization of the ellipsis both in dialogue and in narrative. The rookie soldier's fear is palpable in his line of "They're... coming aren't they" There is similar dramatic flair added in the story thanks to the other two uses of the ellipsis when you make a separation between the Sergeant's glory days and his darker years. I'm glad you found my comments useful! Like I said I wouldn't change much; if it ain't broken, don't fix it!

Hi TK Glad I could be of some help! If you have any plans of expanding the plot, you could simply make a connection between Will's latest travels (such as Captain of the Flying Dutchman) to meeting Brickbeard. It would make sense if you could write it in such a way that in his travels on the Dutchman, he encounters Brickbeard (maybe even on his ship, the Bounty). In fact, you would only have to work that last paragraph and can leave the rest intact. The last paragraph is 106 words, and I have faith that if you wanted to create a link in your story between Will and Brickbeard, you could do it here. Nevertheless, this is just a suggestion if you want to go that route. I think it would serve the call for plot if that's what you want. This reads to me like poetry, more abstract than concrete. And it is so beautifully written that it left me satisfied. good luck and glad I could help!

Hello Kid What can I say? Two amazing entries in one day, just a few minutes apart! Your story reads like a chapter from an old text and I simply love it. It places the reader in the setting of the Pirate era, when writing was much more eloquent and passionate. In terms of narrative, I think this is the entry that stands out the most to me. Very nice use of what some refer to as 'old world vocabulary.' I love it! Furthermore I enjoy how you described Will Turner's life in the story; you really know the character well and for me that is very important. You totally understand how Will, though of a lower social class, fits more into the drama of the wealthy and powerful, as he does in the movies. More points for the fact that you focused almost entirely on Will, as opposed to Jack. I am a strong proponent of trying to be as unique as possible in this contest because you have several entries to choose from. You did a great job of addressing that. Some minor suggestions: "Upon a whimsy so secrete..." Did you mean to say 'secret'? Secrete is a verb as I know it, but maybe you are using the verb in some other form? "Among these a sorry bunch; layabouts, vagrants, cheats, and such forth" I believe a colon fits better after 'bunch' because you are listing a series of objects after it. " but indeed of the land and its’ so wearily betrothed colonies " The word its refers to possession, while it's is a contraction for 'it is' or 'it has'. So I would change it to "its" since you are referring to the land's wearily betrothed colonies. "For while the land lay in flesh and fur; all cultures thriving in its wake," I would change the semicolon to a comma, as these two sentences go better together than separated as two individual ideas. Finally, the title leaves me wondering something. The 'waspish words of William Turner' Waspish means that someone or something is easily irritable. I don't read anywhere in your story where Will is angry or irritated at anything. I don't feel these are 'waspish' words at all; it's more of a summation of his life's motivations and what brought him to encounter Brickbeard. Are you using 'waspish' in slang? Forgive me if I do not understand, but if you are using slang, in what context is waspish being used? I think the story follows the contest rules because it does have a POTC character encountering one of the LEGO Pirates. If you are not sure, you could always post the question in the contest thread above. I believe one of the other contestants had a similar query. I wouldn't worry about it though, this a very nice essay and I think it will be up there. Good Luck! And if you have any questions I'll be around to help anyway I can ;)

Hello Greg Excellent story! This was very, very well written both in narrative and dialogue. You did such a good job of characterizing the relationship between soldier and commanding officer. I love the tone that this entry takes, the calm before the storm of the redcoat's inevitable demise. Much like JulieBlue's entry, it reads very much like an excerpt from a war journal. I also admire the fact that you made the redcoats the focus of this entry, which makes it stand out against some of the other entries. I also wanted to add that I love how you summed up the history of the LEGOLAND Pirates in the third paragraph, how the redcoats drove off the bluecoats and then subsequently fought the other groups. This is so difficult to do sometimes and you gave it to the reader on a sliver platter. Finally, The sergeant's back story of grizzled war veteran is perfect, and I think you did a great job of describing his wear and tear to reflect all the wars he had fought. Very minor suggestions: Looking back at the young marine, his yellowed, weathered face split into a grin -I think there should be a period after "grin" or a comma if you plan on joining this sentence with the quote that comes next. For this sentence: Then hearing approaching footsteps he turned, Maybe a comma after 'then' sounds better. I also feel the picture could use some work, mainly because of the light that is used. Not sure if its just my computer but the top half of the pic looks a faded white. I believe you are trying to capture the moonbeam casting a light on the Officer's face as in the end of the story no? Maybe try a different shade or photoshop it. Other than the lighting though, I think the setup is very good. As I tell everyone, they're just suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em :) I loved your story and I think it is a winner.

Hey Macoco You've come a long way and I must say this is a very strong entry you've got here. All the elements are here: a complete story, funny dialogue good characterization. I like the last line in particular after you added 'savvy' to the last line of dialogue. It makes it sound as though the cook is mocking Jack, which I find hilarious! I can picture it happening when I read it and that is the mark of a good writer. For the most part there aren't too many grammar issues, and some suggestions are just to help the story flow better. Nothing major. First line: "Somewhere in the LEGO Caribbean in the Blackest Sea:" I think this sounds more dramatic, "Somewhere in the blackest sea of the LEGO Caribbean:" Also, some commas here would help: "Jack Sparrow, as we always find him, is off floating in his..." A period within the quotation of "what I really need is a rope." I think these two sentences sound better combined: Redbeard approached. "What brings you across our path this day?" said Redbeard with a fiendish glee. Change to: Redbeard approached and remarked with a fiendish glee. "What brings you across our path this day?" This reads better with a comma after 'scoffed' "Redbeard scoffed, not being amused by Jacks wit." Here an exclamation after brig sounds better, reinforcing Redbeard's anger: "Throw him into the brig!" As always, take them or leave them, they're just suggestions. I'm glad I was able to help. Here's hoping you knock 'em dead in the contest!

I hindsight, I agree that the Caribbean Clipper would not be able to sink the QAR. I was more concerned with making the actual entry legal according to the rules. If you do decide to change the story, I would work with that but switch the winner and loser. Maybe the QAR sinks all the ships, sans the IF, and leaves no one alive. Julie - Thanks, I'm glad you found my comments useful! I'll be around to read the revision and best of luck in the contest!