The Legend Retold

[Bfahome]

Sup.

I decided that I would write up an alternative to TLR, since there are so many things I want to add in.

The first bit (chapter?) is pretty much the same as the movie, I just want opinions on the writing style and if I should continue with it.

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____A speck of light streaked across the dark sky of Bara Magna, attracting the interest of many sapient forms of life on the ground. Slowly it made its way over the horizon, lighting up the few clouds that lingered there. It grew brighter and closer with each passing second, until it finally hit the desert sand with tremendous force, kicking up a blinding storm of dust. As the air cleared, a large crater in the ground was revealed. At the bottom of the crater was a small, white-hot object. It slowly cooled down, but not before liquefying some of the sand around it into glass.

____A small Scarabax beetle clambered up the side of the crater to investigate, drawn by a strange instinct deep inside it. Reaching the edge of the rim, it peered down into the pit, trying to see what was at the bottom. It was greeted with a remarkable sight; the Kanohi Ignika. The beetle scampered around, chittering excitedly and calling any other Scarabax within earshot. Soon a small swarm of insects had descended into the crater, wanting to see what this strange intruder into their midst was. They formed a small ring around it, trying to comprehend exactly what it was. An extremely curious Scarabax ventured forward and lightly tapped it with its front leg. The mask instantly began to glow and hum, frightening the beetles. They scattered, scrambling up the sides of the crater to avoid being caught in the sudden vortex of wind that surrounded the mask.

____The Scarabax that had discovered the crater stood on the side in amazement, oblivious to the fact that all the others were dashing away in fright. It watched as the mask slowly lifted off the ground and began rotating in the air, dirt and dust swirling around it. It watched as the particles began to condense under the mask. It watched as the debris was molded to form a torso, then arms, then legs. It watched this new figure struck by bolts of energy from the sky and ground. It watched as the figure's yellow features slowly became more defined, as it began sinking back to the ground, as the dust settled, as the stranger landed.

***

____The yellow figure jerked upright.

____'Where am I?' was the first thought that went through his newly formed mind. He looked around. None of his surroundings were familiar. This was not the vast expanse of water he vaguely remembered. He was in a hole in the dirt. A very large hole in the dirt, with a small channel leading into one of the sides. He lifted his foot experimentally, placing it just in front of him. He did the same with the other, managing to stumble a few steps. Just as he was about to put his foot back down, though, he heard a small screech under it. He moved his foot to reveal a small purple beetle, on which he had almost stepped.

____"Sorry, little one," he said quietly, "As you may have noticed, I am not steady on my feet yet." The insect chittered back up at him. "I have a feeling you're trying to tell me something," replied the figure, kneeling down. He put his open hand down in front of the beetle, who recoiled in fear. "Easy, I will not hurt you," he said. The beetle looked up, then jumped onto his hand, skittering up his arm and onto his shoulder. The small insect came close to the figure's mask, inspecting it. "Ah, it's the mask you're interested in," he noted. The beetle paused momentarily, then gently tapped the mask with its mandibles. The figure gasped as he felt a jolt of energy go through his head. The mask began glowing, as did the beetle, who quickly scampered down his arm and onto his hand. With a brilliant flash of light, the beetle was gone, and in its place was a large silver shield with long curved edges pointing up and down. "Magnificent!" he exclaimed, marveling at his new weapon. He turned it around to find the blinking eyes of the beetle looking at him from the shield front. "… which you can see… for yourself," he added, dumbfounded.

____Suddenly, the figure noticed a shadow on the ground, projected from behind him. He whipped around just as an ungodly screech filled the air and a large mottled-brown creature pounced on him, throwing him to the ground and pinning him.

[hewkii9]

I like it, and I'd be interested in reading further - although there are a few minor clunky-sounding bits, like "many sapient forms of life".