Nuju Metru Posted August 9, 2009 (edited) Flux ...The dark-clad being had no control whatsoever over the immense power surging through his body. Currents of electricity seemed to flow over every nerve and fiber in his black and silver armored form, shocking his essence. The hunched figure twitched slightly about his clawed fingers and ludicrously huge, toothy mouth, spasmodically transitioning between a pearly ear-to-ear grin into a grimace of pain. Glowing, crimson eyes blinked rapidly in their deep sockets, erratically igniting with a ruby flash that lit up his chrome-colored face. The effort of standing with such prodigious forces amok inside was too much, and he collapsed to his knees, his ragged, shadowy mantle being blow upward by a wind with no apparent source. It was a bizarre feeling, no doubt, but what he found even more disconcerting than the oddities occurring inside him were the inexplicable ones that were taking place before his glowing ruby eyes. As he looked down at his sharp hands which had been resting on the floor, he noticed that there was no floor. Glancing around, he realized that there wasn't even a room anymore. Instead, the being found himself surrounded by a constantly morphing field of electricity, a roughly spherical cage of constantly in flux, looping in and out of one another in a web of phosphorescence. He was forced to squint against the luminous, multicolored currents for a few instants, but then became accustomed to the brightness, and stood. “Where am I?" Edited August 9, 2009 by Nuju Metru Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zarkan Posted August 10, 2009 Excellent short story, Nuju Metru. It's easy to determine the identity of the protagonist almost immediately, but I don't think you were really aiming to keep it a secret anyway. The description of the Olmak's powers is very vivid, and I like how you you sprinkled all the details about Vezon's appearance through the story, instead of just gicving all the info right at the start. Also, the former seventh Piraka continues to be hilarious (at least to me), and you've captured his personality very well. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nuju Metru Posted August 10, 2009 Excellent short story, Nuju Metru. It's easy to determine the identity of the protagonist almost immediately, but I don't think you were really aiming to keep it a secret anyway. The description of the Olmak's powers is very vivid, and I like how you you sprinkled all the details about Vezon's appearance through the story, instead of just gicving all the info right at the start. Also, the former seventh Piraka continues to be hilarious (at least to me), and you've captured his personality very well. Yeah, I meant to make Vezon instantly recognizable, without naming him. Even after he had referred to himself as "Vezon, Toa of Anarchy," I still kept up with just calling him "the being" or whatever. Thank you! :) -Nuju Metru Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toa Velox Posted August 13, 2009 Well, uh, I already gave that super long reply on BZP, so I'll just summarize my thoughts here using bullet points. :P -It's definitely one of the best stories I've read. -Your description was magnificent. -Your using of Vezon was supurb. You were able to make him insane and give a comedic tone to the story without making it too unrealistic or just plain stupid. Many people often create things that just, to be frank, sound quite stupid. And yet, even the hugging of the tree, or counting his steps was extremely well done, IMO. -The plot was well thought-out. -The title was excellent. As I said in my longer review on BZP, a title is perhaps the most important thing in a story. It makes someone click the topic in the first place. It grabs the reader's attention. And this title was about as eye-grabbing as a title can be. Just seeing the word "Flux" [which, I'm sure most people don't even know what it means] is enough to make one want to click the topic. -As I said before, you described Vezon and his personality perfectly. Insane characters are quite fun to write about, aren't they? Anyway, enough of that. Well done again. ^^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nuju Metru Posted August 14, 2009 Well, uh, I already gave that super long reply on BZP, so I'll just summarize my thoughts here using bullet points. :P-It's definitely one of the best stories I've read. -Your description was magnificent. -Your using of Vezon was supurb. You were able to make him insane and give a comedic tone to the story without making it too unrealistic or just plain stupid. Many people often create things that just, to be frank, sound quite stupid. And yet, even the hugging of the tree, or counting his steps was extremely well done, IMO. -The plot was well thought-out. -The title was excellent. As I said in my longer review on BZP, a title is perhaps the most important thing in a story. It makes someone click the topic in the first place. It grabs the reader's attention. And this title was about as eye-grabbing as a title can be. Just seeing the word "Flux" [which, I'm sure most people don't even know what it means] is enough to make one want to click the topic. -As I said before, you described Vezon and his personality perfectly. Insane characters are quite fun to write about, aren't they? Anyway, enough of that. Well done again. ^^ -Thanks, V. ^^ -Yes, I found it very entertaining to write about Vezon... He's such a funny, distinctive character, and it was just a blast to capture his personality... glad I succeeded in that aspect. -Well, this SS sure had more plot then my usual writing, which in general HAVE no plot. -Like I said before, I think you underestimate peoples' vocabulary. :P -Nuju Metru Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
