Commander Aufik Posted February 8, 2021 Lemrik and his commander entered a small room, where they should meet the man. He looked more like a smuggler, than an officer. Looks like his years as New republick man changed him. Man: Greetings gentlemen, I am Mel Wespa. May I offer you a drink? Irfew: No, thank you. You have a very nice castle, Is it yours? Wespa: Not really, it is New republicks, we are just stationed here. Irfew: Interesting. I will now give you an offer. I offer you to join the Triumvirate, and make the galaxy great again. You once were a powerfull commander, are you in? Wespa says no without a hesitation, and pulled out a Blaster. Lemrik wanted to grab his, but Wespa shouted that he will shoot. Wespa: You are under arrest, both of you. Transport should be here any minute. Irfew: You can't do this. We are diplomats. Wespa: You would have done the same. Also, you are Imps, and I don't care that I once was an Imp too. Good bye, "diplomats". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Bjorn Posted February 9, 2021 Small but effective build. The curtains is a nice touch... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ross Fisher Posted February 9, 2021 A nice little build. I think your story needs work, though. It doesn't feel very natural. Maybe you just need to flesh it out a little bit. Try and figure out why everyone has gone into that room together; what they were hoping to achieve, and why this discussion is the best way to do that. On the plus side, I like those chairs! Nice aesthetic, and good elevation. Very realistic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Commander Aufik Posted February 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Darth Bjorn said: Small but effective build. The curtains is a nice touch... Thank you! 1 hour ago, Ross Fisher said: A nice little build. I think your story needs work, though. It doesn't feel very natural. Maybe you just need to flesh it out a little bit. Try and figure out why everyone has gone into that room together; what they were hoping to achieve, and why this discussion is the best way to do that. On the plus side, I like those chairs! Nice aesthetic, and good elevation. Very realistic. Thanks! Sadly, I have to agree with you on the story. It just feels bad. Do you think I should change it in this post, or try to fix it next time? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ross Fisher Posted February 9, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Commander Aufik said: Do you think I should change it in this post, or try to fix it next time? Up to you. Do you have any ideas of how you could flesh it out? Or do you just wanna leave it how it is and do better next time? As a hint, I got a really good tip from the DVD commentary of 25th Hour. The writer (who went on to produce GoT) said that natural dialogue isn't "nice": People asking questions and having them answered immediately. Instead, people come into conversations with different agendas, and they're only looking to resolve their own. How often do you answer questions with questions? Have a think about it. Edited February 9, 2021 by Ross Fisher Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Commander Aufik Posted February 9, 2021 21 minutes ago, Ross Fisher said: Up to you. Do you have any ideas of how you could flesh it out? Or do you just wanna leave it how it is and do better next time? As a hint, I got a really good tip from the DVD commentary of 25th Hour. The writer (who went on to produce GoT) said that natural dialogue isn't "nice": People asking questions and having them answered immediately. Instead, people come into conversations with different agendas, and they're only looking to resolve their own. How often do you answer questions with questions? Have a think about it. Im probably with fixing it next time. The thing about the dialogue is actually very interesting. Hope it will help me next time. Thanks! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ross Fisher Posted February 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Commander Aufik said: The thing about the dialogue is actually very interesting. Hope it will help me next time. Thanks! No worries. I look forward to seeing where you go with this! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
