halixon Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) (Ok, before you guys say anything, this build was ONLY created for story reasons. It was not built to show off cool details or anything. So i'd appreciate it if you guys could just comment on the story aspects. Thanks :) "Commander Avdar," Aeldric said, giving his ranger commander a slight bow of the head. "Yes?" he asked. "Well, while Voraal and i were on our patrol, we found an abandoned house. And inside it, was a hole in the flooring, of which led down to a large tomb." "And?" "Well, a large coffin sat in the middle of the room. Upon it, was engraved the name: Dar Askelohn." Aeldric said, with his hands behind his back in a respect position. "So? What does this ancient scholar have to do with your duties?" Avdar inquired. "I was wondering, for our patrol tomorrow, if Voraal and i could investigate further." Aeldric said. Avdar's face was filled with disgust. "No. You must not stray from your duties. If you ask anymore, i will remove your rank." Avdar said, dismissing Aeldric with a gesture. Aeldric stepped outside, where Voraal was waiting. "Well, are we still going to look for the elves?" he asked. Aeldric looked back at the closed door. "Yes, we are." Edited June 26, 2015 by Windusky Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Exetrius Posted June 27, 2015 (Ok, before you guys say anything, this build was ONLY created for story reasons. It was not built to show off cool details or anything. I can't ignore the fact that the GoH forum is about both mocs and storywriting. Please make sure to put more effort into future small builds. Build for your guild with pride! About the story: it is okay, but I can't place it. Is it a part of a bigger story? Will it be continued? Please indicate those things somewhere. I hope this feedback was useful to you, happy building Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Vladivus Posted June 27, 2015 Nice story. I do agree that the GoH forum is at least in part about improving builds! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Balbo Posted June 27, 2015 Nice work on the creation and the story. I like the kitbash minifigures in your creation Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
halixon Posted June 27, 2015 I can't ignore the fact that the GoH forum is about both mocs and storywriting. Please make sure to put more effort into future small builds. Build for your guild with pride! About the story: it is okay, but I can't place it. Is it a part of a bigger story? Will it be continued? Please indicate those things somewhere. I hope this feedback was useful to you, happy building If you go back, and follow my earlier builds, you should be able to follow the story better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mccoyed Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) If you go back, and follow my earlier builds, you should be able to follow the story better. I'd throw links to previous ones, then. MKJoshA does that a lot with his Wyndor Saga, making a long story easy to follow. I'd also say that if you're going to throw a low-effort build up and tell people not to worry about it because story, then do you need to accompany the low-effort build with better-effort story than this. I don't mean any offence, because the writing isn't bad or anything. It simply lacks context and is fairly short for us to take this as a "mostly story build". That's just my opinion, though. Whatever keeps you building and improving in GoH is what's important, so if you gotta knock out stuff like this now and then to get the juices flowing then I don't blame you. Edited June 27, 2015 by mccoyed Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
halixon Posted June 28, 2015 I'd throw links to previous ones, then. MKJoshA does that a lot with his Wyndor Saga, making a long story easy to follow. I'd also say that if you're going to throw a low-effort build up and tell people not to worry about it because story, then do you need to accompany the low-effort build with better-effort story than this. I don't mean any offence, because the writing isn't bad or anything. It simply lacks context and is fairly short for us to take this as a "mostly story build". That's just my opinion, though. Whatever keeps you building and improving in GoH is what's important, so if you gotta knock out stuff like this now and then to get the juices flowing then I don't blame you. No offence taken. Thanks for the advice. In my future builds, i'll link to previous builds in the story. Perhaps you could give me some advice on how to make my story easier to follow? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mccoyed Posted June 30, 2015 Sure. Check your PMs in a bit (from when I post this haha) and I'll see what I can do. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
