Chuck Norris Gives Edward Cullen a Roundhouse Kick

[Tereglith]

I'm mainly posting it so that I have something to link to when people ask me how much I hate Twilight.

A golden light blasted throughout the parking lot, penetrating all objects, leaving no shadows. Bella shielded her eyes as Edward attempted to see what was causing it. A small breeze sprung up, and the knee-high grass of the unkempt planted section of the lot whipped around their legs. After a few seconds, the light dimmed, allowing them to see a silhouetted form – a tall, muscular man, wearing a cowboy hat. Soon, the light had lessened enough for them to see his features, mainly a phenomenal beard and musculature beyond description. The soft golden light still played about him.

“He’s so… attractive!” Bella whispered.

“I’m glad you think so,” intoned Chuck Norris.

Edward, looking at the demigod standing before them, wondered if he might somehow be inadequate. Looking at Bella, and how her eyes were travelling up and down Chuck’s biceps, and, feeling the need to prove himself, he stood up and said, “Don’t worry, Bella. I’ll save you from this creep. Just like with the car.”

“Yeah… the car…” Bella said, transfixed.

“Hey!” Chuck said. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Get away from my girlfriend!” Edward said, unsheathing his fangs.

“D’you want a roundhouse kick?”

“Y’know what, Mr. Cowboy? I don’t care if you give me a roundhouse kick!” Edward half-shouted, holding up his hand as if to block it.

Chuck Norris became a blur, moving around too fast for the human eye to see. On impact, Edward was gone. There was a sonic boom, and a column of air caught on fire. Only a few milliseconds later, the blur that was Edward passed through the side of a huge tree trunk growing in another grassy area, shattering it into a million splinters, a tan cloud spreading out from the huge bite-shaped hole in the trunk. A fiftieth of a second after that, a good chunk of the wall of the Lowe’s behind them imploded, giving a view of rows and rows of shelves being pulverized, a vaguely Edward-sized hole appearing in rack after rack of gardening implements and knives, still too fast for the eye to keep up with. The air was still on fire in Edward’s ionized trail. The opposite wall of the Lowe’s exploded, revealing a busy freeway. A shipping container on the back of a truck was ripped in half from the bottom. Pieces of flaming blacktop shot straight up with enough force to take a VW bug twenty feet in the air as Edward hit the ground, creating a deep, flaming furrow. He bounced up underneath another semi cab, sending the truck flipping into the air. As it flew, a dark shape punched through the top of it, flying twenty feet up before finally falling back down, snapping through three electrical wires.

Back in the grassy area of the parking lot, the first drop of blood hit the ground, followed by the rest, a gallon of vampiric fluid spattering in a trail along the pavement. Something clattered into an empty parking space. It looked like a fragment of Edward's collar bone. A shiny white object clinked against a barrier. A molar. A lance of calcium punctured a monster truck tire. Half of a femur. A fine white dust coated several cars. What was left of his lower arm bone.

What was left of the tree trunk twisted around, leaves flickering off of the smoothly turning branches. It tilted, snapped, and fell, sending a shockwave through the ground. The rest of the wall above the implosion fell in, followed by a section of the roof. The S from Lowe’s hit the rubble. The first screeches from the pileup crash that was occurring on the highway reached their ears.

After a few seconds, Chuck turned to Bella. “Well, I figured that since he was so confident an’ all, he had some sorta defense, so I didn’t go quite as easy on him.”

Bella’s mouth was gaping at the trail of destruction wrought by the late Edward’s body.

Eventually she managed, “Why?”

“Well, I saw this book, and sensed with my second vision that it was really bad. So the I accessed my infinite knowledge stores of everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen, and discovered that it is such a bad book because of yer boyfriend there, and he’s the reason that it makes so many people miserable. So then I used my interdimensional tunneling powers to teleport into your fictional world and roundhouse kick the crap out of him. Figured it’s better this way for quite a lot of people who like good writing. Goodbye.”

With a whoosh, Chuck Norris disappeared from the fictional universe.

[Xenophilius Studz]

Dude I hate Twilight too. Like you sig says, Harry Potter owns Twilight.

I couldn't help but just laugh inside my head as I see a pale teenager going flying through Lowe's onto a highway and the carnage report of what was left...

If only that could really happen...

GO CHUCK!