Toa Syaoran's Epic Review Topic

[Matsuoka Nui]

That's fine, thanks!

If you want, you can change it to....

"Epic Reviews"

"Review all of TS's epics"

that way it can be used for both Averax Magna, Petals in the Pond as well as any future Bionicle Fanfics that I will write.

[Lord-Koji]

I see you threw in your KiinaxAckar love in there. Nice job with that. What I thought could have been done better was explaining why there's a dance going on. This is a time of war, and two villages were just massacred. I fail to see why they would want a dance or celebration of any sort in Tajun.

[Matsuoka Nui]

You'll see...it's not just a dance....

it's an annual ball! But however, there's an increase in security in the arena this time...;). And not everyone knows about the news yet....

[Lord-Koji]

That's starting to make more sense. And why did Kiina need to disguise herself? So the Skrall would hopefully pursue a figure who doesn't exist, based on how she appeared then?

[Matsuoka Nui]

You'll see, the revelation of her "disguise" will come soon, but that's way later in the story...

[Lord-Koji]

This was a good chapter. I think you accomplished more in this chapter than in various chapters of your other six that were more or less just events. I think you got that down better now, it felt like I was actually getting somewhere, faster, and with more information.

My concern was the Italian. It seemed sporadic to have one character speak an Italian line, and then for the rest of the conversation, nothing, or maybe just one more line. I think you need a better balance of the languages, so the Italian doesn't feel tacked on.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Should I just not do it then? Then again, I'm only in year 3 and we don't read stories until 4th year. We still have to learn some grammar and verbs and some new vocabulary. But let me have the title for each act in Italian at least, I like that personally.

[Lord-Koji]

The Italian titles are great, I give you that.

What I'm saying is you need to give more Italian lines to characters, in my opinion, or actually give them an Italian conversation. The lines as they are now seem random, like "English" "Italian" "English" "end of scene". It should flow better, like "Italian" "Italian" "Italian" "end of scene", or something like that.

[Lord-Koji]

A good chapter. The interactions were well written.

But, I must say, the Romeo x Juliet stuff is not expected. Reading the RxJ stuff in there just turned me off a bit. Borrowing from it isn't bad, using "Capulet" and "Montague" isn't bad (unless it really starts to copy). The end of RxJ with the wings, though. That's turning me off of this, just like the countless Tsubasa parallels that started to pile up. I think you need to work on your homages.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Ah....but I like that ending...but not to worry though....it'll be a bit different. Just the wings part will be the similar...

You'll learn where the terms Montague and Capulet come from....trust me. You'll be quite surprised. And I really don't want to spoil it yet....but....

Montague is the name of the Element Lord of Jungle. Capulet is the name of the Water Lord.

as of RxJ ep. 24 ending, yeah I saw that....I bounced around...again...XD

okay, I'm going to be busy for the next few days.

[Lord-Koji]

Just a word of advice.

Even in tags, don't reveal plot points like that. It's usually not appreciated, and is best left to be learned via reading. That's why I never said anything on BMC in the review topic, like never saying the names of the arcs, or revealing that no characters are safe, or what the Heaven's Disaster was (instead, waited about sixty something chapters to reveal that in story).

It's just better to wait than to give information ahead of time.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Actually, that info is what you'll need to know for the next chapter, that is why I kept it in tags. It's nothing compared to what I'll reveal later on.

[Lord-Koji]

The Element Lords aren't composed of their elements, so I don't know if that was a mistake for Fire becoming steam, or if that was of his will or something.

Anyway, the names are interesting. Brutus...what's that from? A Shakespearean play, right? And Escalus was the prince of Verona, obviously.

One thing I'm not so sure of is these "children" part. But I'll reserve all judgment on that until I see exactly what they are. No need to start commenting on anything yet.

I half expected Kiina, somehow, to be Gresh's opponent. While Vastus is a good opponent, I think Kiina in her disguise would have been a good choice, that Gresh wouldn't have known during the battle, or something.

Well, good chapter, all in all. The Italian really improved, and this was probably the best chapter yet.

[Matsuoka Nui]

"Brutus" is a name from the Julius Ceasar play. I'll be reading that story later.

No that was an attack from Capulet. He fired a blast of water at him which turned him into steam.

Those 'children'.....I will NOT spoiler it! (because this secret/spoiler is huge!!!) You'll find out who they are later on...

Actually, that sounded like a good idea, but Kiina is busy at the moment right now. But that doesn't mean that she won't fight him while in her disguise form later on....

[Lord-Koji]

Ah, Vastus's venom, more focus on female characters, which is something I associate with your writing now, and the EL's. This was a well balanced chapter and got enough information across, wrapping up the cave, the battle, and starting us off with Brutus, good work.

My main problem is once more, you portray the Skrall as corrupt from some other medium, it seems. Once more portrayed as once good, or loyal beings. Some people are just inherently evil, and that's what the Skrall really are. But then again, you just said loyal, that doesn't equate to "good". I hold judgment until more is learned.

[Matsuoka Nui]

If I have time later on in the epic, I'll probably reveal some more information about the Skrall and their "behaviors" before they started their mass murder.

Yeah, I thought that a scene of Starax meeting Brutus since the Core War would be quite interesting. I was going to keep the connection between Kiina and Capulet a secret still for a little longer but I knew that I had no other choice but to reveal that. But not to worry, there are other Glatorian that are either sons/daughters to their ELs.

Act 5 will be released both here and on DA. The DA version might take a bit longer so don't expect that right away when I release the original one on here.

Edit: btw, I got Gresh a few nights ago.

Edited December 1, 2009 by Toa Syaoran

[Lord-Koji]

I still wonder why Kiina wears a dress under her armor...

Anyway, the Italian conversations got a lot better. I commend you for that.

However, referring continually to Kiina's disguised form as "he" or "him" outside of speech seemed off. Once we knew it was her, you should have switched it back to "she" and "her" and stuff like that.

Good chapter, though. The sword is interesting, and I wait to see what else it can do.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Keep in mind that this is a "less intense" version, you'll see a MAJOR difference in the DA edition.... :devil: :devil:

But yeah, the Italian conversation is kind of annoying to do, especially in big dialogues, but thanks.

[Lord-Koji]

Why not just post the DA version on here as well? Or are the rules allowing swearing, but not anything mature (which I am guessing is going to be a prelude to a sex scene, or something)?

[Matsuoka Nui]

I've seen some people swearing on here, so I think that's okay, but I'm not so sure about the "other things"... but yeah, I posted that chapter earlier this morning on DA.

[Lord-Koji]

Tensions are about to rise between Jungle and Water. Sounds like a good conflict is about to come to pass.

An interesting look into the Skrall and how they once were, under Starax (sp), and some new information from Tajun and Raanu's group. Covered a lot of bases, and worked well for each one.

[Matsuoka Nui]

Really? I thought it was too much info here and there....

I'm trying my best to make the story follow the poem in the prologue; in terms of the feud between Water and Jungle.

btw, did you see the mature version on DA? I know it's not that intense but it's a start.

[Lord-Koji]

I haven't had a chance to read it yet.

[Matsuoka Nui]

I updated the 1st post finally, so at least it looks somewhat nice like a main menu. The next Act will come out tomorrow since I was awfully busy today.

[Lord-Koji]

Nice to finally get a name on Sand.

Anyway, the sanctuary, interesting, based on what we heard of it from Malum's scene. Sounds like that'll be an interesting location to read about if we ever get there. And, with the Lords free, any battles we see will be a lot more interesting.