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"Which side are you on?"


3 replies to this topic  – Started by Duck , Jul 10 2011 11:10 PM

#1 Duck

Duck
  • scRubber Duck


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Posted 10 July 2011 - 11:10 PM

My last minute attempt at a story! Hope i'm not too late - if I am... then just enjoy! :)

If by some small chance I win, or get a significant number of votes, I shall make this into a brickflick!

Also, sorry about the image being very boring and with an awful choice of background... kinda ran out of time editing it!

Posted Image

Which side are you on?


Captain Barbossa sailed aboard his privateer ship and surveyed these unfamiliar waters. The sound of cannonfire upon the wind caught his attention and he took out his telescope. Looking through it, he saw nothing and so called to his lieutenant “Get me some 1x1 round bricks ye’ scurvey dog!”.

The Lieutenant attempted to tip his hat to his captain, but being a plastic, it nearly toppled off his head, having no flexibility. A moment later he returned with the 1x1 bricks and held them out to his Captain who used them to extend his telescope.

Barbossa turned his huge telescope towards where the cannonfire was coming from and in the distance he could make out a white fortress upon some form of plastic rock, being attacked by a ship with red and white sails.

As they drew closer to the fort, Barbossa could make out yellow skinned pirates and blue-coated soldiers battling. He focussed his attention on one pirate wearing a red and white vest, and watched as the pirate turned, revealing a purely yellow back.

“No back printing… these must be ‘classic pirates’… INTO THE LONGBOATS!”

Captain Rodger swung his sword at Governor Broadside. His eye caught something.

“Stop… stop… STOP GOVERNOR!” said Rodger, pointing towards the approaching boat. “Lets see what these landlubbers be’ wantin’”.

“That’s not the blue of our soldiers…” observed the governor.

“He has a peg-leg, unheard of for anyone not a pirate in our Lego world”

“Good sir!” shouted the Governor, to Barbossa “Are you a redcoat, a bluecoat or a pirate?

“Well lets be seeing now…” said Barbossa. “I bein’ an officer wear blue, but soldiers of me’ nation they be wearing red. Oh, and I be a privateer. That be meanin’ I be a pirate fightin’ for the blue-redcoats. That help?”



Word Count: 299 words.

C&C appreciated!

[b]Edit[b]: Broken link to image. Fixed now!

Edited by Duck, 10 July 2011 - 11:35 PM.


#2 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 11:50 PM

Hey Duck

Nice work here, I'm a Barbossa fan, so this plays to my tastes! There's much LEGO themed humor here; the part with the round bricks was both funny and clever, as was the ending, which underscores the debate of bluecoats vs redcoats.  The story has good pacing and reads very easily. Your Pirate's dialogue is authentic and well suited for the theme.

I think your main issue here is grammar. They aren't major changes, but they should be considered as voters may take points away for grammar. There are many entries in the contest already, so you don't want to leave any points on the table for things you can change at the 11th hour.

Some suggestions:
"vessal and surveyed these unfamiliar water"
Vessal is spelled 'vessel' and 'water' should be 'waters'.

Also:
he saw nothing and so called to his lieutenant “Get me some 1x1 round bricks ye’ scurvey dog!”.
You don't need a period at the end of the quotations and 'lieutenant' should have a period at the end.

There is a part in the story where you transition from Barbossa's ship to the fighting in the fortress. However, there is no introduction to this and it may confuse some readers. Fortunately you have a word to spare, and so I would use that last precious word in this case:

"Meanwhile, Captain Rodger swung his sword at Governor Broadside. His eye caught something."
Notice how I added the word 'meanwhile' to the beginning of the sentence. This clearly states that the setting of the story has now changed. If you had more room, you could define it further by writing: "Meanwhile, in the fortress, Captain Rodger swung his..."
However that would violate the word count. You could get away with 'meanwhile' but for completion sake, and if you have time, I would try to define the scene change more clearly. If you need help with this Ill be around to give last minute advice.

Another correction:
“He have a peg-leg, unheard of for anyone not a pirate in our Lego world”
The word 'have' should be 'has'.

Finally:
“Good sir!” shouted the Governor, to Barbossa “Are you a redcoat, a bluecoat or a pirate?
You don't need the comma after Governor.


Sorry for the long post, you'll notice however that most of the corrections involve a simple deletion or addition of a comma or word. I kept it this way since we are near the contest deadline. You've got a worthy entry here. I will be around for follow up if you need it. Good luck!

Addendum:
I just noticed the picture, it wasn't up when I read it originally. Don't worry about it too much, having a picture is better than not having one, it will make your story stand out. Also, win or lose, I would love to see a brickflick of this! Barbossa against Broadside and Redbeard, who could ask for more!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 10 July 2011 - 11:52 PM.


#3 Duck

Duck
  • scRubber Duck


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Posted 11 July 2011 - 12:29 AM

Thanks for the feedback Bricks4fun! Unfortunately my internet has been really playing up tonight so I've only just got to read this and we've gone past the deadline! A couple of those issues I cleared up in my edit anyway and a few were largely down to me removing chunks of the story to fit the wordcount (including the transition between ship and fortress! I realise now that this was an error to take out!). Also the have/has one was supposed to be Captian Rodger saying it in a piratey way - but I removed the fact it was him saying it to save space but managed to rescue this one in my picture edit!

Again, thanks for the feedback and sorry I wasnt able to act on it - It'll teach me for being last minute  :pir-tongue:

#4 Zilcho

Zilcho

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 09:57 PM

Hello Duck.

I liked your story and found it very amusing. Your writing is good in most places although these few lines I find slightly annoying:

Quote

“No back printing… these must be ‘classic pirates’… INTO THE LONGBOATS!”

Captain Rodger swung his sword at Governor Broadside. His eye caught something.

Not because of their content but because of the unnoticed change of paragraph. I say this because most of your text has an empty line between them and I think it would be simpler if you just started a new line without leaving a gap. Because of that it makes it hard to differentiate between changes of paragraphs and speech. Not really a criticism but just something to bear in mind.

Anyway, a very funny story. I liked all the Lego references and the red/blue coat or pirate thing was clever.

Good luck in the competition.

Oh, and what is a brickflick? It doesn;t have anything to do with a chick flick does it?

Edited by Zilcho, 19 July 2011 - 10:05 PM.




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