Posted 10 July 2011 - 11:12 AM
Captain Jack stood on the Queen Anne's Revenge's deck. He slowly pulled out his telescope and extended it to the its maximum extent. He looked into. Suddenly he caught sight of a boat approaching fast.
"Bring her around!" Yelled Jack, "Set her on a course due west!" At this point Jack remembered all the crew of the Queen Anne had been tied to the mast of the ship due to their resistance of Jacks commandeering of the ship. Jack stared at them and saw utter hatred in each of their eyes. He then ran up to the wheel, which he turned to escape the now terrifying ship.
After half an hour of drinking rum and forgetting about the pursuing ship, a loud bang erupted across the ship. Jack quickly ran out of the captains quarters in enough time to witness the middle mast fall into the sea. As Jack turned to the starboard side he saw the ship that had been chasing him.
A man with a red beard burst onto the deck. He was followed by 20 more men each carrying arms.
"This ship now be belonging to Red Beard!" proclaimed the leading man.
"A Red Beard is in no way as intimidating as a black one." This coming from a man having recently released himself of Jacks binds.
"Black Beard!" Red Beard growled, "I wanted to meet you!" Having said this, Red Beard drew his pistol and shot him.
"That wasn't Black Beard." Jack pointed out. A cutlass sabre had appeared around Red Beard's neck. "That is Black Beard." Jack added.
"You are my prisoner." Black Beard declared to Red Beard. At this moment Jack and Red Beard's crew jumped back onto Red Beard's ship.
"I am your captain." Declared Jack.
"Follow that ship!" Ordered Black Beard.
Posted 10 July 2011 - 04:55 PM
That's just my opinion. Feel free to take it or not as I'm just trying to help.
Good luck in the contest.
Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger
Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf
My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.
Posted 15 July 2011 - 01:53 AM
I found this entry to be interesting from the standpoint of the plot twist of Jack working with BlackBeard to steal RedBeard's ship. You have the basis here for a good story and did well to include the major characters from both POTC and LEGO Pirates. I also thought it was really funny that Jack drank rum for 30 minutes and forgot about the pursuit, something that I can easily see Jack doing in the movies.
The punctuation/grammar in this entry though needed some work. It makes the story difficult to follow at times and as SS pointed out, it displaces the dialogue. I would suggest running it through a word processing program before submitting next time, it can pick up misspellings and provide corrections. As far as I know it, grammar will count for something in the eyes of some judges so I would address this next time.
I also know that it won't count against you, but it would've counted for you to have a picture associated with your story. Even now, the stories I remember best are the ones that have even a simple picture attached. As most people on this sub-forum own at least a few of the LEGO pirate sets, it would behoove you to include them in a picture. It goes a long way.
Nevertheless, a solid work, just needs some polishing to go up against the other entries which had the benefit of critics and time to shape their stories into what they are now. Still, I wish you the best of luck in the contest and I hope you get many votes!
Posted 19 July 2011 - 08:41 PM
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users