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The Compass


7 replies to this topic  – Started by RocketSeason , Jul 10 2011 02:48 AM

#1 RocketSeason

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 02:48 AM

Hello all! May I present my entry for the contest: The Compass

Word Count: 299 (whew!)

Posted Image


“You’re looking for a compass that doesn’t point to north.” Captain Redbeard spoke, emphasizing each word while eyeing the tip of the cutlass pointed at his heart. “If it’s a broken compass you’re after, I’m sure that threats be not needed.” He grinned, exposing a row of yellowed teeth which matched his skin almost perfectly.

In the most casual manner he could manage, Commodore Norrington lowered his cutlass and walked to the row of windows at the back of the cabin. “I wouldn’t have bothered leaving the comfort of my ship to come and speak with you had the item in question been merely an ordinary broken compass.”

Norrington peered out the windows for a moment, assuring himself that the Interceptor was still sitting just off the starboard quarter of Redbeard’s ship before turning back to the pirate captain. “And if I were in your position, I would be watching my tongue more carefully.”

Redbeard stood from his chair and turned toward Norrington bringing his full height to bear upon the smaller man. “Enough with this dance. Yes, I know of the compass, it was once mounted on the wheel of this very ship. The cursed thing never worked right.”

“And where is it now!” Norrington spoke, closing the distance between himself and the pirate.

Redbeard smiled and lifted an apple from an assortment of fruits on his table. “I am afraid a young member of my crew absconded with it in the dead of night several years back. He was pale and defiant, much like yourself.”  

Commodore Norrington swallowed hard. “Jack Sparrow,” he sputtered. The words poured from his mouth like poison.

Redbeard laughed and bit into the apple letting the juice flow freely down his chin. “I believe he now goes by the name Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Edited by RocketSeason, 10 July 2011 - 05:29 PM.


#2 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 03:54 AM

Hello Rocket Season

Exceptional Entry. From the opening picture (love the Norrington minifig by the way) to the engaging exchange between the two captains make this a serious contender. I love how you write dialogue; you've clearly watched the films enough times to portray Norrington's authoritative tone and eloquent words. The two characters here play off of each other perfectly and the scene you wrote looks like it was right out of one of the films. I also like how you allude to Jack in the story and how you created a backstory to him serving on Capt Redbeard's ship.  

"He grinned, exposing a row of yellowed teeth which matched his skin almost perfectly."
I love this line; excellent description.

If you were to add anything at all, it would be to perhaps define why Norrington wants the compass so badly. It would add yet another layer to the many themes you already have here. Maybe Norrington is using it to hunt Jack Sparrow or maybe he wants it to find his way back to Elizabeth.

Maybe I'm reaching here, but these two sentences sound better joined:
"Norrington peered out the windows for a moment. Assuring himself that the Interceptor was still sitting just off the starboard quarter of Redbeard’s ship before turning back to the pirate captain."

I would join moment and Assuring with a comma.

That's all I can suggest; if you were meaning to leave the best for last, you certainly accomplished that here. Good luck!

#3 SilvaShado

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 05:21 PM

Love the picture - it sets up the story very well. And the story is very excellently written. It kept me hooked all the way through. The emotions and personality of the two characters came across very clearly.

I only have one minor punctuation suggest:

Quote

Commodore Norrington swallowed hard. “Jack Sparrow.” He sputtered. The words poured from his mouth like poison.
There should be a comma after Sparrow and the word he should be lower cased. Like this:
Commodore Norrington swallowed hard. “Jack Sparrow,” he sputtered. The words poured from his mouth like poison.

Otherwise, fantastic job! Good luck in the contest!

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

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My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#4 RocketSeason

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 05:31 PM

Thanks for your comments and corrections! I need all the help I can get with punctuation.  :pir-classic:

#5 SilvaShado

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 07:00 PM

View PostRocketSeason, on 10 July 2011 - 05:31 PM, said:

Thanks for your comments and corrections! I need all the help I can get with punctuation. :pir-classic:

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. :pir_laugh2:

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#6 blackpyre

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 07:14 PM

Hey Rocket Season nice entry!

I think one of the best things you did here is start the scene at exactly the right point.  This is not an easy thing to do.  With a piece of flash fiction it is important to get straight to the action and you've done just that.  Well done!

As for the story, having only a couple of punctuation errors makes me believe that you are indeed a well rounded writer.  Therefore, I'll throw out a few questions I had in regards to the content that made me pause slightly.  They are not major details and really don't need to be changed.  I just wanted to point them out since I know fluidity of thoughts are important.

First, you say "The taller man stood over him" which confused me since they are both minifigure scale.  Perhaps, it's that bicorne hat that makes him taller.  That's actually very funny if that is the case.  Minifigures judging the height of another by what is on their head. :)

Second, the movies claimed that the compass came from that voodoo witch.  As the story stands now, it could be viewed as an alternate origin of the compass.  I'd suggest throwing in words like "Got it from a witch" to solidify the movies and the LEGO world together.  Remember, the movies never said how long ago the with gave the compass to Jack.  Therefore, you have practically years to work with as your story says.

Other than that, I completely agree with the others.  This is a marvelous entry with little to no need for fixing.

Good luck in the contest.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#7 RocketSeason

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Posted 13 July 2011 - 06:45 PM

Thanks for your comments blackpyre!  I realized the thing about the origins of the compass halfway through writing this, but I decided that it was worth it to get in the joke about the not-quite-functional compass that came with the old pirate sets. Who knows? Perhaps the Voodoo Witch was lying to us?  ;)

#8 Zilcho

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 09:42 PM

I like this story a lot, it was very well constructed and easy to follow. The picture you added was also very good and it meant you could focus on more on the story as opposed to setting the scene in your text. Your description of their actions were very well written and gave the characters a lot more pirate-like feel.

This is an excellent entry and you should be very proud.



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