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Jack Sparrow's Outwitting of the Imperials


6 replies to this topic  – Started by buddy , Jul 08 2011 09:43 PM

#1 buddy

buddy

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 09:43 PM

Here is my entry for the Mailing List Division, it is still a WIP, so any constructive criticism and improvements are welcomed. The current word count is 292.

Also, if I was so lucky to win, my preferred prize would be The Mill.  :pir-classic:

Posted Image

The midnight sea was still and silent, not a ripple in sight. The moon cast light on the seemingly glittering ocean. The Governor of the Imperial Flagship was cosily enjoying a good night’s sleep in the luxurious surroundings of the cabin of the Imperial Flagship whilst Captain Brickbeard was enduring another restless, cold and uncomfortable sleep imprisoned in the ship’s hull. The Governor was dreaming of capturing more Pirates.

Unknown to the Governor or any of the crew of the Imperial Flagship, there was a pirate much worse than Brickbeard, who was the most feared pirate at the time. This pirate went by the name of Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow was currently unknown to the Governor even though Jack was in the same room as him and stealing his treasure chest. Jack silently lifted the treasure chest up and carried it out of the cabin. He made his way back out to the deck, which was currently connected to the hull of the Black Pearl. Jack's ship loomed over the comparatively small Imperial Flagship.

Jack, still carrying the treasure chest, climbed up the rope ladder up to the deck of the Black Pearl. After another few seconds of climbing, Jack and the treasure was being helped on to the deck of the Black Pearl. He gave a long piercing whistle; a signal to set sail in an unusual direction - downwards. Jack completely knew the effect of that whistle and within a few seconds, he saw the confused face of the Governor at his cabin window.

The Governor now had a story for the grandchildren, a pirate with pink skin stole his treasure and sailed off on a massive black ship down in a great wave to the depths of ocean.

Thank you for reading my story.  :pir-sweet:

~buddy~

Edited by buddy, 09 July 2011 - 10:58 AM.


#2 SilvaShado

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 10:45 PM

A very good first draft. I like how quietly Jack snuck aboard the ship and stole the treasure chest.

It looks like there are plenty of places where you can cut out 7 words. Just go over every sentence and see where you can trim a word or two and soon it'll be under 300 words. I'll point out a few places that I think would really help make the flow better. Also, here are some corrections. Please feel free to take them or leave them. I'm just trying to help. :-)

Quote

whilst Captain Brickbeard was enduring another restless, cold an uncomfortable sleep imprisoned in the ship’s hull.
I believe the word "an" is supposed to be "and"

Quote

The Governor was dreaming sweet dreams of capturing more Pirates.
Here's a place you can cut out a few words and get rid of the repetition. I suggest removing "sweet dreams" and just have the governor dreaming of capturing more pirates. Or, if you like sweet, you can say he was sweetly dreaming of capturing more pirates. It takes out one word and the repetition is gone.

Quote

But unknown to the Governor or any of the crew of the Imperial Flagship,
I'd suggest getting rid of "But" as its not a good idea to start a paragraph with it, but also because it doesn't really add to what you're saying.

Quote

...there was a pirate who was much worse than Brickbeard, who was the most feared pirate at the time. This pirate went by the name of Jack Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow. Who was currently unknown to the Governor even though he was in the same room as him and stealing his treasure chest.
You've got a lot of words here that don't need to be here and there's some repetition. You also have some fragments, though I'm not opposed to a well-placed fragment, it's usually frowned upon. Also be careful of using too many pronouns (he, she, etc) in one sentence as readers may get confused as to who you are talking about. Here's what I'd suggest:

...there was a pirate much worse than Brickbeard, who was the most feared pirate at the time. This pirate went by the name of Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow was currently unknown to the Governor, even though Jack was in the same room as him and stealing his treasure chest.

Quote

He made his way back out to the deck of the Imperial Flagship, which was currently connected to the hull of the Black Pearl, a ship looming over the comparatively small Imperial Flagship.
This is a bit of a run-on sentence with more words than it needs. Here's my suggestion

He made his way back out to the deck, which was currently connected to the hull of the Black Pearl. Jack's ship loomed over the comparatively small Imperial Flagship.

Quote

After another few seconds of climbing Jack and the treasure was being helped on to the deck of the Black Pearl.
There needs to be a comma after climbing.

Quote

He now gave a long piercing whistle, a signal to set sail in an unusual direction, downwards.
You don't need the word now, especially since it changes the tense of your story. I'd also suggest some alternate punctuation. It's not necessarily right, but it may have a bigger impact.

He gave a long piercing whistle; a signal to set sail in an unusual direction--downwards.

Quote

Jack completely knew the effect of that whistle within a few seconds he saw the desired effect he could see the confused face of the Governor at this cabin window.
You need some punctuation in this sentence, or you need to split it in two. And you have too many words saying the same thing. Also, the word "this" should be "his." Here's what I suggest:

Jack completely knew the effect of that whistle and within a few seconds, he saw the confused face of the Governor at his cabin window.

Quote

The Governor now had a story for the grandchildren, a pirate with pink skin stole his treasure and sailed off on a massive black ship down in a great wave to the depths of ocean.
Since this is from the Governor's perspective, I suggest putting this on a new line. It will also punctuate the end of your story. And instead of the comma, I suggest using the double dash.

Hope my comments help! Good luck in the contest!

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#3 buddy

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 08:38 AM

Thank you for your help and suggestions SilvaShado, I have edited my story accordingly.  :thumbup:

~buddy~

#4 SilvaShado

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 07:31 PM

View Postbuddy, on 09 July 2011 - 08:38 AM, said:

Thank you for your help and suggestions SilvaShado, I have edited my story accordingly. :thumbup:

~buddy~

Welcome! Glad I could help. :-D

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#5 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 02:14 AM

Hi Buddy

This entry has all the goods that you would ocme to expect from a contest like this. We get a nice photoshop pic of Jack next to the Imperial Flagship to kick things off, with a sweet font to boot. You went the narrative route which will make your story stand out a bit more, as many have included dialogue in their entries. Nevertheless, you crafted a strong narrative here and for a work in progress, you didn't need much progression to get to where you want to be here.

I like how we get to go inside the massive Imperial Flagship, particularly the Governor's cabin. And the outwitting of said Governor was clever and I like the way you ended it with the Governor thinking how it's a tale for his grandchildren. I must also add that many (including myself) struggled with the 300 word limit, but you flawlessly wrote a strong story from beginning to end with 8 words to spare, bravo! I don't think many of the other entries can say the same.

I would only say that I wanted to see a fight to the finish between the IF and the Black Pearl's crew. This is where I thought the story was going. I thought Jack got away a little too easy here but I still like the way you ended it nonetheless.

Good luck in the contest!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 15 July 2011 - 02:24 AM.


#6 buddy

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 09:05 PM

Thank you for your kind words Bricks4Fun, I'm glad that you like my entry!  :pir-classic:

~buddy~

#7 Zilcho

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 09:34 PM

This was a very strong entry, Buddy. I like the extensive use of descriptive words which made a clear image in my head. I commend you for being able to tell so much, in terms of story, whilst at the same time being able to beautifully describe the scenes.

Despite the lack of action this is still a very captivating story and is something you could very well imagine Jack doing in one of the movies. Well done!



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