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"No Match" by Alaina Cillis via Email


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3 replies to this topic  – Started by Mister Phes , Jul 08 2011 05:31 AM

#1 Mister Phes

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 05:31 AM

No Match
By Alaina Cillis via Email

Captain Redbeard was awakened from his morning slumber by harsh pounding on his cabin door.

“Captain,” yelled Redbeard’s first mate, Rummey, “we’ve picked up some pirates. I told them you’d see them in my cabin.”

“Thank you, Rummey.” Blasted fool knew better than to disturb him at this hour. Oh well, once the captain was up, the captain was up. Redbeard donned his fancy green frock and black coat, strapped on his pistols, woke up his parrot, Popsy, and went out into the narrow breezeway. He rapped on the door to Rummey’s cabin. It opened almost immediately, only to reveal the most hideous and disturbing creature that Redbeard had ever clapped eyes on.

Reflexes kicked in, early in the morning as it was, and the monster was quickly dead on the cabin floor. As Redbeard peered down at the…thing, a dark figure emerged from the depths of the room. Redbeard was about to let a second bullet fly when he realized it was a human.

“Sorry about the mess,” Redbeard began congenially.
The person’s mouth hung open like a codfish. “You killed him! You killed Jack!” it cried in a woman’s voice.

“That is a Jack?”

“You killed Jack!” she repeated wildly.

“You killed Jack!” Popsy echoed.

“What is it, Elizabeth?” came a voice from within the cabin. The owner of the voice, a shabby-looking youth with clothes as ratty as his accent, stalked up and stood by the woman.

“He killed Jack! Shot him dead just now!”

“What? Draw your sword, darling, we’ll take care of—“

BAM! BAM!

“”Rummey!”

“Yes, Captain?” Rummey jogged down the corridor and gazed nonchalantly over Redbeard’s shoulder at the bodies.

“Clean up this mess. By the way, they were pirates, weren’t they?”

“As far as I know, sir.”

“Good. Three less competition.”

#2 SilvaShado

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 06:32 PM

LOL! This made me laugh! It's a good one, for sure! Really great comedic timing and pacing.

I have one minor correction to punctuation.

Quote

“Captain,” came the voice of his first mate, Rummey, “We’ve picked up a band of pirates. I told them you’d see them in my cabin.”
There should be a period after Rummey, not a comma.

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#3 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 04:12 AM

Hello

I enjoyed this entry which had a hint of 'dark comedy' feel to it. Probably the way that the characters rationalize death, a trademark of the genre. Very nice work conveying that feeling. Also score points for classic Pirates, as redbeard shooting Jack, Will and Elizabeth in one sitting is more than one could ask for. There is something both disturbing and yet humorous in the way that the Redbeard and Rummey talk to each other in regards to Jack's death. I think that your choice of going the dark comedic route will serve you well in this contest, as I believe not many have taken their stories int hat s direction, and so yours will stand out.

Minor Suggestions:

"Blasted fool knew better than disturb him at this hour."
reads better as 'knew better than to disturb him at this our.'

Also, while I can understand who is talking in the dialogue lines you wrote, some may take issue with not specifically stating who is saying what in your dialogue. If you have room, I would try to make it obvious as to who is talking when you present dialogue. It is an issue that has been brough up several times in other entries and you wouldn't want to lose points for something that can be corrected with a few words. The dialogue lines right after Jack is shot might be somewhat confusing to the readers (and in this case the judges). So if you have time, I would work on that.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this entry and wish you best of luck in the contest!

#4 Zilcho

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Posted 22 July 2011 - 08:46 PM

Alaina, what can I say? This story is very, very funny and is very well written with a good mix of speech and description. I especially like the part where it describes Jack as a beast. As Bricks4fun said, it is a very dark humour which may put some people off but it is also very appealing to other people. This was one of the few ones where the classic pirates won as opposed to the PotCs.

Your writing is good and although the others said it was hard to follow the speech I did not find it too hard to keep up as the content was quite character-specific.

Well done on a hilarious story and good luck in the competition!




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