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Flying Dutchman and Woodchuck Norris


5 replies to this topic  – Started by Toltomeja , Jul 07 2011 03:20 PM

#1 Toltomeja

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 03:20 PM

Please forgive mistakes and don't tell me it's silly. I know it's silly and I wanted it to be silly - 300 words' story simply can't be epic, so I created something original and different. BTW, It has 300 words, and not a word less or more.

And a picture of Flying Dutchman and Woodchuck Norris, just because:

Posted Image

-------------------

BeardLess pirate came to a cave, where a treasure was supposed to be hidden. He saw a levitating man with a strange animal inside.
The man said 'I'm a flying Dutchman, a Bounty Hunter who wants to kill you and grab indecently big sum of money as a reward from your enemies.'

'And what's your teddy bear's name? Hahahaha!'

'Shut up, malignant miscreant! It's not a toy, but my weapon!'

BeardLess could no longer refrain laughing.

'It's woodchuck Norris, a cruel and sinister killer who has slain more people, than you could count!' - and BeardLess heard his daemonic laughter. The cave was lit by a flash of lightning.

'Wow, that's pretty cool... How did you do this?'

'You see, an evil character without special effects like that is as menacing, as Teletubbies and their vacuum cleaner. '

'Just...' but before BeardLess was able to end this sentence, the woodchuck had jumped onto his head, scratching it and pulling his hair. BeardLess threw some Deluxe Bahama sausage (Tesco, 2 shillings/kg) out of the cave, so that Woodchuck Norris forgot about his task, and started to wolf down the sausage, enjoying delicate, subtle flavour of garlic. But then, the gate at the entrance shut immediately.
'It's the point of no return, BeardLess! If Norris is too weak, you'll die of hunger here!'

'So let me just drink a glass of rum in the last day of my life.  Want some?'

'Well...' Dutchman answered '...maybe a bit...'

And before the sunset, when after having drunk several bottles of rum the Dutchman was completely drunk, BeardLess said, 'My dear friend, I've just remembered about an oven I forgot to turn off, so I shall go home before my dinnner get burnt. Adieu!'

Dutchman smiled and said, 'Bye, fellow! Come on Wednesday!'

-------THE---END-------

Hope you like it!

Edited by Toltomeja, 08 July 2011 - 08:52 PM.


#2 blackpyre

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 06:19 PM

Well, I'm all for off the wall humor but I should point out a few things.

One, your tense is all over the place going from the past to the present.

Second, I'm not sure how this qualifies as classic pirates meeting, encountering, or interacteracting in any way with the POTC cast.

Third, I'm not sure what this story means but I like the sausage reference complete with price.

Good luck with your entry.

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#3 SilvaShado

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 06:58 PM

I tried to respond to your post by quoting what you said, but it wouldn't let me post it. So instead, I have bolded what you wrote in your post and put my comments below. I hope this helps you.

Please forgive mistakes and don't tell me it's silly. I know it's silly and I wanted it to be silly - 300 words' story simply can't be epic, so I created something original and different. BTW, It has 300 words, and not a word less or more.

I'm all for silly and odd humor, which you definitely have here. Not much makes sense so if that's what you were going for, congrats! You succeeded! However, I do have some suggestion for improving the technicalities of the piece such as sentence structure and the like. Please feel free to take or leave anything I suggest. I'm just trying to help out.


And a picture of Jack, just because:
Love the picture! Never seen Jack like that before. Very nicely done.


Jack Sparrow came to a cave, where a treasure was supposed to be hidden. He saw a levitating man inside. The man said:

I would suggest including the woodchuck here at the beginning. It comes as a bit of surprise when the Dutchman refers to it and then it does something when the reader didn't even know it was there. Also, "the man said" should be on the next line. It is always best to connect who says what on the same line as the dialogue.


'I'm a flying Dutchman, a Bounty Hunter who wants to kill you and grab indecently big sum of money as a reward from your enemies.'
Your tense is a little off here, which can be done in dialogue because people don't speak good, but I'd like to point out how it should properly be written so you can decide which way you want it.
You've written: "grab indecently big sum of money"
I suggest either:
"grab an indecently big sum of money"
OR
"grab indecently big sum of monies"


'And what's your teddy bear's name? Hahahaha!'
As I said before, this is the first instance of reference to the woodchuck, but as it's written, the reader doesn't know what Jack is referring to. Yes, it is in the title of your story, but it's not a good idea to rely on that to inform the reader that there's a woodchuck there. I highly suggest including the woodchuck in the first paragraph with the levitating man.


'Shut up, malignant miscreant! It's not a toy, but my weapon!' ( Sparrow could no longer refrain laughing) 'It's woodchuck Norris, a cruel and sinister killer, who has slain more people, than you could even count!' - and they heard his daemonic laughter. The cave was lit by a flash of lightning.

This is very confusing as you've put Jack's action in the middle of the Dutchman's dialogue. Also, actions should not go in parenthesis in a story. It's fine for a script, but not stories. And you have one too many commas in the Dutchman's dialogue and your tense is off. And the last line is confusing. Who is they? And who's daemonic laughter is it? Is it the Dutchman's or the woodchuck.

Here's a suggestion for how to clean up the technical issues, but I don't know what your intention is with the last sentence so I am leaving it mostly alone.
'Shut up, malignant miscreant! It's not a toy, but my weapon!'

Sparrow could no longer refrain laughing.

'It's woodchuck Norris, a cruel and sinister killer, who has slain more people than you can even count!' And they heard his daemonic laughter. The cave was lit by a flash of lightning.


'You see, evil character without special effects like that is as scary and menacing, as Teletubbies and their vacuum cleaner. '
Your tense is off or your missing a word. Here's what I'd suggest:
'You see, an evil character without special effects like that is as scary and menacing,
OR
'You see, evil characters without special effects like that are as scary and menacing,


'Just...'- but before Jack was able to end this sentence, the woodchuck had jumped onto his head, scratching it and pulling his hair. Jack threw some Deluxe Bahama sausage (Tesco, 2 shillings/kg) out of the cave, so that Woodchuck Norris forgot about his task, and started to wolf down the sausage, enjoying delicate, subtle flavour of garlic. But then, the gate at the entrance shut immediately.
'It's the point of no return, Sparrow! If Norris is too weak, you'll die of hunger here!'

You don't need the dash at the beginning of the sentence. Also, your tense is off a bit. And you have a very long, run-on sentence. Lastly, you need a space between the two paragraphs. Here's my suggestion:

'Just...' Before Jack was able to end this sentence, the woodchuck had jumped onto his head, scratching and pulling his hair. Jack threw some Deluxe Bahama sausage (Tesco, 2 shillings/kg) out of the cave so that Woodchuck Norris forgot about his task. Woodchuck Norris wolfed down the sausage, enjoying the delicate and subtle flavour of garlic. But then the gate at the entrance shut immediately.

'It's the point of no return, Sparrow! If Norris is too weak, you'll die of hunger here!'


And before the sunset, when after having drunk several bottles of rum the Dutchman was a bit drunk, Jack said:

'My dear friend, I've just remembered about an oven I forgot to turn off, so I shall go home before my dinnner get burnt. Adieu!'

Jack's dialogue should be on the same line, not separated. A comma should go before the dialogue not a colon. And some commas seem to be missing. Here's what I suggest:
And before the sunset, when, after having drunk several bottles of rum, the Dutchman was a bit drunk, Jack said, 'My dear friend, I've just remembered about an oven I forgot to turn off, so I shall go home before my dinnner get burnt. Adieu!'


Dutchman smiled and said: 'Bye, fellow! Come on Wednesday!'
There should be a comma after said, not a colon.

I hope my comments are helpful to you. I only have one more comment and that's that I agree with Blackpyre. This may not meet the contest rules as I don't remember a classic pirate called the Dutchman, but I am not fully familiar with all of the classic pirates so ignore this comment if there is one.

Good luck in the contest!

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#4 Toltomeja

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:06 PM

Thanks very much for tips, I've changed it a bit =) I'm grateful for your help in grammar - here in Poland all books are written in a different way. The dialogues look like this:

She looked beautiful.
- I love you - said Frank - and I want to marry you.
- Really?

Not like this, like in English:

'I love you' he said 'and...'

That's why I'm used to using dashes so often. I've just checked it in some books in English, of course you're right =)


And about missing articles a/an: There were 300 words sharp, so I missed some of them not to write too many words with hope that nobody will mind it.

BTW, were those all tenses in English created to kill foreigners cruerly?  :pir_bawling:  1 past, 1 present and 1 future would be enough, and less confusing. Of course I don't blame you, but It's very hard for me to use them properly.

Edited by Toltomeja, 08 July 2011 - 08:50 PM.


#5 Zilcho

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Posted 20 July 2011 - 10:27 PM

Toltomeja, this is a very funny story! It is a different area than the other stories, an area probably not related to pirates at all but I don't  really care about that. Your story is so whacky and hilarious. You have used lot of nice vocabulary which I like in stories.

Having said that, the story is quite hard to follow this is due to the speech being without names. Some of the grammar is a bit bad but you are Polish so I assume your normal language isn't English.

Well done on a very entertaining piece of writing and good luck.

#6 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 29 July 2011 - 12:14 AM

Hello Toltomeja

Your story reminds me of the wacky absurd humor of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, one of my favorite shows, so you've got me there. It is clear that you have a good understanding of humor, regardless of whether you were able to convey it in English. For having to write this in your second language, I tihnk you did and exceptional job. You said you were giving us something 'original and different' and you certainly accomplished that! BTW, the telitubbies joke had me in tears!

My main worry is the one that was brought up before and that is there is no classic Pirates character in the story, so that might be a problem, but hey, you're still getting votes so it's all good! There are also grammar issues, but again, I think you deserve some leeway in the judging because this is not your first language.

Best of luck in the contest!



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