Jump to content


Another Escape


8 replies to this topic  – Started by Seagulls , Jul 05 2011 09:36 PM

#1 Seagulls

Seagulls

    Posts: 8
    Joined: 05-July 11
    Member: 18875

Posted 05 July 2011 - 09:36 PM

The noon bath had tarnished the Admiral’s armor once again. And he would NOT take it off! So, here he was, Diego Ramirez, Admiral’s slave, spit and polish, cleaning the Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck.

"Are you quite finished?” his employer said, “We have some pirates to send to the bottom."
”Which if you didn't bathe in your blinking armor, I wouldn't be polishing it, would I?"
“Quiet.”

Diego spat emphatically on the rag and rubbed harder. This was a sore subject between the Admiral and his steward, but the bickering ceased when a midshipman reported a sail, hull down to larboard.

"And if ye would stay still…” began the irate steward, but the Admiral was already racing up the shrouds like a monkey.

Hours later the sun was slowly melting into the sea, and the chase had revealed itself to be little more than a longboat. But, it was a prize to be won, so they bore down on it, ran out the guns and desired the occupants to surrender.

He came aboard with a flourish, announced himself as ‘Captain’ Jack Sparrow and demanded rum. The marines lowered their muskets a hair, but a stern glance brought them back up. Pirate.

“Clap him in irons!” demanded the jolly Admiral.
“No, no, wait.” The captive raised his hands and backed up a step as the marine sergeant drew his sword.
“I’ll make a deal with you. If you let me go, I’ll tell them not to attack you, savvy?”

He gestured off into the distance. As the entire quarterdeck whirled in disbelief, he dove over the rail. “This will be known as the day that you almost cau--“ The bark of the bow chasers cut his speech short, and the longboat raced away into the darkness.

THE END
(My first Eurobricks post, by the way)
And still 300 words.

Edited by Seagulls, 09 July 2011 - 09:50 PM.


#2 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 06 July 2011 - 01:33 AM

Hi Seagulls

Nice work on your first post! I think that in this entry you really captured the feel of the POTC movies; the entire exchange between the crew and Jack Sparrow was right out of one of the films. And his diversion is classic Jack. The segment you wrote could easily fit into the movies or perhaps your own Pirate story.

I also liked all the nautical terminology (larboard, quarterdeck) and old world writing style you employed for this story. It gives the reader an authentic feel that transports one to the era of Pirates and Privateers.  

I have a question. Is the Admiral in your story actually the Admiral from the LEGO Imperial Armada? I think he was the only one who wore armor in the LEGO Pirates theme. Please correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the Imperial Armada, then I must say this is a nice depiction of them and the first in the essays that have been submitted thus far.

As I tell everyone, these are just friendly recommendations:

In this sentence:
"So, here he was, polish, spit and polishing the Admiral's blasted"
You want your verbs to be all in the same tense, and also, it sounds less redundant if you don't repeat the verbs in the same sentence. You sound like you have a very nice vocabulary, so why not change it up a bit. Here you could say:
"here he was, spitting, wiping and polishing the Admiral's blasted..."
Or like I said, use your wicked vocab to come up with better verbs than the ones I suggested. Just try to keep them in the same tense.

For this line:
"But, it was a prize to be won, and they bore down on it,"
The word 'but' introduces a cause for the situation. It fits better if it is written:
"But, it was a prize to be won, and so they bore down on it..."

Also you want to keep consistency in your capitalizations. I say this in regard to the word 'Admiral' which is at times capitalized and at times not. It reads better if Admiral is capitalized, but if you choose not to do so, make sure that there is consistency in the word.

My only other suggestion would be to maybe making the exchange between the steward and Admiral even funnier. A good, funny intro can swoon a reader and win you more votes. Maybe work on their relationship resembling a husband and wife maybe? Those are always guaranteed laughs. Of course, it is still funny as is.

"Hours later the sun was slowly melting into the sea, and..."
This isn't a correction, I just loved this line. Awesome job!


Good luck in the contest, and I hope you had as much fun writing this as I did reading it ;)

#3 Seagulls

Seagulls

    Posts: 8
    Joined: 05-July 11
    Member: 18875

Posted 06 July 2011 - 05:53 AM

NNNNGHHHHH! It's so hard to get it under 300. :(

I'll try to edit through it a bit later. Thank you very much for the constructive criticism!

And yes, that is THE Admiral, who even bathes in his armor.

Thanks again!

#4 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 07 July 2011 - 01:16 AM

If you get this:
"And if ye didn't move around so much"
and change it to this:
"And if ye would stay still..."

You've got your 300 words back. There's a multitude of examples like the one above where you can cut words and not compromise the story. I'm glad you found my comments useful and good luck!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 07 July 2011 - 01:18 AM.


#5 blackpyre

blackpyre

    Posts: 108
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18438

Posted 07 July 2011 - 06:35 PM

Hey Seagulls nice entry.

I agree with Bricks4Fun, you've got great terminology here.

I'd like to point out that your dialogue seems to be connected wrong.  Usually you should only put dialogue with that character's actions.  Also, only one person should speak in any given paragraph.

The quick fix to this is to seperate out the dialogue into its own paragraphs.  Then, only leave that character's actions with that dialogue.

For example:  The steward's actions of cleaning the armor should not be attached to the admiral's query of whether or not he was done.

BTW: That's a funny touch with the Admiral not removing his armor.

Hope this helps.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#6 SilvaShado

SilvaShado

    Posts: 457
    Joined: 13-June 11
    Member: 18422
    Country: U.S.A

Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:30 PM

I can only echo what others have said.

You've got great terminology and a very funny story. The only problem is that its a bit confusing due to how you've laid out the story.

I agree with Blackpyre as you need to separate peoples' actions and dialogue.

For example:

Quote

The noon bath had given the armor yet another tarnish. And he would NOT take it off! So, here he was, polish, spit and polishing the Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck. It was also quite tedious for the jolly admiral.
"Are you quite finished? We have some pirates to send to the bottom."
First off, I'm not sure who he is in the beginning. You say he would not take it off and in the next sentence that he was polishing the armor. Then it was tedious for the admiral. So is the admiral refusing to take off his own armor, trying to polish it himself and finding it tedious? Proper names go a long way to clearing up this type of confusion. Also, whoever says the dialogue should have an action before it, even if its as simple as: The Admiral said, "Are you quite finished?

Also, you need to put lines of empty space between the paragraphs to make it easier to read. It's a convention of web writing that is very different when writing for print.

I hope my comments help. Good luck in the contest!

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#7 Seagulls

Seagulls

    Posts: 8
    Joined: 05-July 11
    Member: 18875

Posted 08 July 2011 - 12:06 AM

Heh, sorry about that first paragraph, I think I had something else planned, but I ran out of space... Thanks for your support, and I still have a day or so to clarify a bit.

Tell me if this edit is any better.

#8 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 09 July 2011 - 09:29 PM

Hey Seagulls

I really like your corrections; you're under the word limit and your story is much clearer now. I also like that you were very clever in naming the steward Diego, which clearly defines his character better. Also The name Diego Ramirez is a nice touch to add to the Imperial Guard authenticity and their connections to the Spanish Conquistadors.

Closing remarks:

“Clap him in irons!” was the jolly Admiral’s sentence.

I would say: "demanded the jolly Admiral." Which plays on the whole yellow minifig head always smiling joke.


Finally:
So, here he was, Diego Ramirez, Admiral’s slave, spit and polish, cleaning the Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck.

works better like this:
So here was Diego Ramirez, the Admiral's slave, spitting, polishing and cleaning said Admiral's blasted armor as he stood on deck.


Other than that, you've got a strong one here; since the contest deadline has been extended, why not try to add a picture using your sets if you can? I think such a nice entry deserves an accompanying pic!

#9 Zilcho

Zilcho

    Posts: 552
    Joined: 10-July 11
    Member: 18952

Posted 27 July 2011 - 09:49 PM

Hi Seagulls.

I like your story, it is one of the very Jack-like stories. I like the distraction Jack uses for his escape. I also like the adjectives you have used, many people in the competition have skipped them out due to the low word limit.

A very nice story. Well done and good luck in the competition.



Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Sponsored Links