Jump to content


"How Pirates End Up Married" by Brad Travis via Email


3 replies to this topic  – Started by Mister Phes , Jul 04 2011 04:31 AM

#1 Mister Phes

Mister Phes
  • Uncle Sam edit!


    Posts: 20259
    Joined: 19-March 05
    Member: 273

Posted 04 July 2011 - 04:31 AM

Once a classic pirate named fill was promoted to captain on his pirate boat a brick-beards  bounty then admiral norrington fought them on the queen annes revenge...... Fire yelled fill as the revenge closed in. Meanwhile admiral norrington boarded the bounty the pirates had just got more pirates at the tavern in port royal so the pirates outnumbered the British. The queen annes revenge sunk after the cannons hit it and 4 soldiers went down with her including admiral norrington and fill but fill escaped and took Angelica (pirates of the carribean) as his wife......well what are ya still here for? Oh the end!


Posted Image


#2 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 05 July 2011 - 01:29 AM

I'm not sure if Brad will read this, but in case he does:

That's a lot of action you've got there in your entry and kudos to you for including the ill-fortuned Admiral Norrington (as I will always remember him) since I don't recall his mention in any of the other stories.

I'm not sure if you did a word count, but you've got almost 200 more words to spare; why not write some more? You could probably expand your ideas and add even more plot to your Pirate skirmish. Also, if you do decide to add more words, try spacing out the sentences more, it's just a suggestion to make it easier to read.

Also, do you plan on submitting a picture as well? I'd love to see what Fill looks like :)

As I tell everyone, these are just suggestions not to be taken to heart in any way. Good Luck!

#3 SilvaShado

SilvaShado

    Posts: 457
    Joined: 13-June 11
    Member: 18422
    Country: U.S.A

Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:12 PM

This is a great outline for what could be a very engaging story. But that's the main problem--it reads like an outline, a synopsis. To make it have a bigger impact, and be a story, I suggest separating it all out and beefing it up. Use proper dialogue tags and capitalize people's names.

If Brad gets a chance to read this, I'd be very happy to comment again on a revised version and give more detailed suggestions.

Good luck in the contest!

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#4 blackpyre

blackpyre

    Posts: 108
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18438

Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:28 PM

As far as I understand it, this story is reflecting how characters and ships can get all mixed up while LEGO is beign played with.  This is where you get the appearance of the Phills of the world.

I'd suggest to get a bigger punchline, after the chaos of the battle subsides they all get up and one shouts "I'm Phill this time!"

Afterall, there's not that many females to go around in the LEGO pirate world.

Hope this helps.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.




Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Sponsored Links