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The Captain's Chivalry


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8 replies to this topic  – Started by The Kid , Jul 03 2011 10:59 PM

#1 The Kid

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Posted 03 July 2011 - 10:59 PM

The Captain's Chivalry

Upon a whimsy so innate, a man lay to replete the meandering nuances of the destitute scoundrels, vagabonds and urchins that rested before his path. A man so wiry and wry as that young William, a man whom injustice might cause not a flicker of unrest but a tirade of sorts; a man of a conscientious conscience that lay dormant not for a second of his waking mind - who else to partake in such a quest; who else in the land of the scrutinized, the land of the hierarchy, than he with such great social mobility that he might pray to one day take the hand of even the governor’s daughter?

For William was a man not of the blacksmith’s shop, nor of the crumbling castles of foretold lore, but instead of the Kings and Queens of the land he so readily called home. And so he had taken it, not just upon himself, but indeed of the land and its so wearily betrothed colonies that he might fashion a redemption; that he might fashion anew the dreams of those lost to the vacuous vortex of the material.

Among these a pitiful bunch: layabouts, vagrants, cheats and so on - each had come in the wake of the Dutchman to plea, unknowing of its new Captain. For William was not of the disposition that afflicted its former master; no longer did the writhing, woeful tentacles of Davy Jones scour its decks. William endeavoured to redeem those who had run astray; such was his destiny on the seven seas. Most serious a case was that of the poor pirate Brickbeard; found stranded, ship shattered to five hundred and ninety two parts, the Captain suffered the most terrible affliction.

For while the land lay forever in flesh,

This man




was yellow.

-----

300 words exactly; I suppose you could classify it as less of a story and more a description of a scene? If it doesn't count I'll amend it but let me know what you think regardless :pir-classic:

EDIT: some changes made based on suggestions.

EDIT 2: title change, nothing major... though I don't know how to change the topic title! :pir-sceptic:

EDIT 3: a few word changes in the first two paragraphs and a major overhaul to the third. Tried to incorporate a semblance of plot, and switched the beard pun for another LEGO-related atrocity ;) again, I've changed the title, but still I have no clue how to change the topic name! D:

TK

Edited by The Kid, 05 July 2011 - 10:04 PM.

DO NOT TAKE THE ABOVE POST SERIOUSLY

#2 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM

Hello Kid

What can I say? Two amazing entries in one day, just a few minutes apart! Your story reads like a chapter from an old text and I simply love it. It places the reader in the setting of the Pirate era, when writing was much more eloquent and passionate. In terms of narrative, I think this is the entry that stands out the most to me. Very nice use of what some refer to as 'old world vocabulary.' I love it!

Furthermore I enjoy how you described Will Turner's life in the story; you really know the character well and for me that is very important. You totally understand how Will, though of a lower social class, fits more into the drama of the wealthy and powerful, as he does in the movies. More points for the fact that you focused almost entirely on Will, as opposed to Jack. I am a strong proponent of trying to be as unique as possible in this contest because you have several entries to choose from. You did a great job of addressing that.

Some minor suggestions:

"Upon a whimsy so secrete..."
Did you mean to say 'secret'? Secrete is a verb as I know it, but maybe you are using the verb in some other form?

"Among these a sorry bunch; layabouts, vagrants, cheats, and such forth"
I believe a colon fits better after 'bunch' because you are listing a series of objects after it.

" but indeed of the land and its’ so wearily betrothed colonies "
The word its refers to possession, while it's is a contraction for 'it is' or 'it has'. So I would change it to "its" since you are referring to the land's wearily betrothed colonies.

"For while the land lay in flesh and fur; all cultures thriving in its wake,"
I would change the semicolon to a comma, as these two sentences go better together than separated as two individual ideas.

Finally, the title leaves me wondering something. The 'waspish words of William Turner' Waspish means that someone or something is easily irritable. I don't read anywhere in your story where Will is angry or irritated at anything. I don't feel these are 'waspish' words at all; it's more of a summation of his life's motivations and what brought him to encounter Brickbeard. Are you using 'waspish' in slang? Forgive me if I do not understand, but if you are using slang, in what context is waspish being used?

I think the story follows the contest rules because it does have a POTC character encountering one of the LEGO Pirates. If you are not sure, you could always post the question in the contest thread above. I believe one of the other contestants had a similar query. I wouldn't worry about it though, this a very nice essay and I think it will be up there. Good Luck!

And if you have any questions I'll be around to help anyway I can ;)

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 04 July 2011 - 03:10 AM.


#3 The Kid

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Posted 04 July 2011 - 05:47 PM

Many thanks for your kind words Bricks4Fun :pir-classic:

View PostBricks4Fun, on 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM, said:

Some minor suggestions:

"Upon a whimsy so secrete..."
Did you mean to say 'secret'? Secrete is a verb as I know it, but maybe you are using the verb in some other form?

Indeed I believe I did mean to say secret; thanks for picking up on that! :pir-blush:


View PostBricks4Fun, on 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM, said:

"Among these a sorry bunch; layabouts, vagrants, cheats, and such forth"
I believe a colon fits better after 'bunch' because you are listing a series of objects after it.

Duly noted :pir-classic:


View PostBricks4Fun, on 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM, said:

" but indeed of the land and its’ so wearily betrothed colonies "
The word its refers to possession, while it's is a contraction for 'it is' or 'it has'. So I would change it to "its" since you are referring to the land's wearily betrothed colonies.

This one did confuse me for a while; Microsoft Word insisted on this usage, though my instincts told me otherwise - obviously I wasn't strong enough to act on them :pir-tongue:


View PostBricks4Fun, on 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM, said:

"For while the land lay in flesh and fur; all cultures thriving in its wake,"
I would change the semicolon to a comma, as these two sentences go better together than separated as two individual ideas.

Another great suggestion!


View PostBricks4Fun, on 04 July 2011 - 03:05 AM, said:

Finally, the title leaves me wondering something. The 'waspish words of William Turner' Waspish means that someone or something is easily irritable. I don't read anywhere in your story where Will is angry or irritated at anything. I don't feel these are 'waspish' words at all; it's more of a summation of his life's motivations and what brought him to encounter Brickbeard. Are you using 'waspish' in slang? Forgive me if I do not understand, but if you are using slang, in what context is waspish being used?

Written in the haze of the eleventh hour, I actually have no idea what the title is about :pir-blush: I'll think of something more fitting before the deadline.

Thanks again! :pir-sweet:

TK
DO NOT TAKE THE ABOVE POST SERIOUSLY

#4 Duke

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Posted 04 July 2011 - 08:40 PM

I really like this entry.  The language and turn of phrase is obviously archaic and then makes it feel more appropriate to the time.  Also a nice rhythm, which reveals careful thought in your word choice.
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#5 blackpyre

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Posted 04 July 2011 - 11:59 PM

First off let me say, excellent wordsmithing there TK.

You have something so robust that it harkens back to literature that would reflect the time period of the pirate.

I am a fan of classic literature and tend to think in terms of this style on many occassions.  Since you had a limited word count you had to be brief, well at least brief in terms of the classic style.

After reading over it slowly I noticed two things.  First Bricks4Fun started pointing it out with the title.  However, I believe no part of the title makes any sense.  William does not speak a word.  Rather this is a historical characterization of William Turner.  Therefore, a title that reflects this might be better suited.

For example:
The Nobility of William Turner
The Character of William Turner
William Turner, a Man of Honor

Second, I hope this does not count against you but there is no plot.  You state in the first line that there is "...a man lay to replete..." this suggests theat William Turner plans to make those he comes in contact with better than what they are.  This shows purpose but no plot.

Then you move to describe his character.  There is a lot of emphasis on his character including his morality and beliefs.  Beautifully done by the way.  Still there is no plot.

Then he meets Brickbeard.  He is portrayed through the view point of Will's eyes and beliefs.  Rather funnny throwing in the line of his beard was not of brick as professed.  This is more description but still no plot.

Then the narative ends.  The final line pointing out the major difference between classic Pirates and POTC.  The man was yellow after all.

So now I'm left with all this gorgeous dialogue waiting for something to happen and...nothing.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm loving the work you've put into this piece.  However, it feels like I'm looking at the picture on the LEGO box and not allowed to play or see any of the pieces inside.

By far, you've portrayed a voice unlike anything else, you have the most character insight seen so far, and you've managed to give an entry both profound and historically accurate.  But what I'd prefer is that part of the story that comes immediately after this part.

I hope you don't mind my opinion.  I definitely respect your work.  It's probably why I would be clammoring for more.

Good luck,

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#6 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 05 July 2011 - 01:12 AM

Hi TK

Glad I could be of some help! If you have any plans of expanding the plot, you could simply make a connection between Will's latest travels (such as Captain of the Flying Dutchman) to meeting Brickbeard. It would make sense if you could write it in such a way that in his travels on the Dutchman, he encounters Brickbeard (maybe even on his ship, the Bounty). In fact, you would only have to work that last paragraph and can leave the rest intact. The last paragraph is 106 words, and I have faith that if you wanted to create a link in your story between Will and Brickbeard, you could do it here. Nevertheless, this is just a suggestion if you want to go that route. I think it would serve the call for plot if that's what you want. This reads to me like poetry, more abstract than concrete. And it is so beautifully written that it left me satisfied.

good luck and glad I could help!

#7 The Kid

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Posted 05 July 2011 - 09:29 PM

Thanks to all again for the gratuitous praise and constructive criticism. It's been a year or two since I last visited EB but you guys are making me glad to be back! :pir-sweet:

As far as the plot goes, I think Bricks4Fun's suggestion of incorporating it into the last paragraph sounds good, so I'll have a play around with it tonight. Definitely I think a plot in any form might be a good incorporation, especially after reading your feedback blackpyre, so I'll see what I can do.

As for the title, point duly noted. I'll rework it again to see what I can come up with. :pir-classic:

EDIT: I've changed it around a fair bit and come up with a (hopefully) more apt title. Let me know what you think! :pir-sweet:

TK

Edited by The Kid, 05 July 2011 - 10:04 PM.

DO NOT TAKE THE ABOVE POST SERIOUSLY

#8 blackpyre

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:00 PM

592 parts ROFL!  That's hillerious!

Yes, much better.  I appreciate how William now acts upon the purpose you set out for him.  Just this simple encounter with the observation of his yellowness is enough to put action to words.  I also like the title.  It's very fitting.

And I'm impressed that you kept the fluidity of the complex words even after making a substancial edit.  Woderful work.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#9 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 04:18 AM

Hi TK

Glad I could be of help, I love how you worked in the storyline of Will as captain of the Dutchman. Now you've got a great summary of his life and what brought him to encounter Brickbeard. Your narrative will carry you far in this contest; good luck and if you have any other edits I will be around to help anyway I can!




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