Posted 30 June 2011 - 11:32 PM
It took 2 years for Queen Anne’s Revenge to sail round the LEGO Caribbean and sink every ship in her midst. The Barracuda, Schooner, Rum Runner, Bounty; all were overrun by the ferocity of her cannons and crew. Likewise, every port she settled in was ravaged beyond recognition, the victims strung up from masts for all to see.
It fell on us redcoats to stem the tide of flesh-toned hate, and send Blackbeard plus crew to meet the Devil. Our Flagship, the true power of these waters, sailed for months following the trail of bodies and bricks she left behind, like a shark seeking blood from a corpse.
Nightfall. We came upon her by surprise, and only by this means did we gain any advantage. Despite our four guns launching numerous volleys, the ship fought like a lion, as if desperate to take us to the ocean’s grave along with her. We had to muster the courage of King and country to board her vile deck. The cursed crew and zombie officers were both horrific and brutal. And least should we forget Blackbeard himself, who took his own daughter hostage and threw her against us with a gift in her bosom: a stick of dynamite. And yet, despite all this, we survived the night and saw the enemy sink in a fiery collection of brick and sail.
However so much had been lost, that our victory was hollow. And just when we prepared to leave we were blindsided. The Black Pearl rose up from the sea and opened fire. We knew that this was the end for us all. Some took their lives, while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him. Me? I finished this letter and prepared to meet death with cutlass in hand.
Posted 01 July 2011 - 12:48 AM
I am again impressed by the variety of entries in this contest. Here, a letter or journal entry depicting the final days of the classic redcoats and I assume, the LEGO Pirates as well. What I love about this is how it reminds me of a journal recovered from a naval officer. I love history, so in this sense it speaks to me.
Also, I like the tone with which you took this; it is dark and disturbing in some instances (particularly the part with Blackbeard and his daughter, which I think is spot on, considering that in the movie he was very much not above using his daughter to achieve his own means). It also works for me because you took out the typical elements of Jack, Barbossa, etc and instead gave the reader a tooth and nail slugfest between the QAR and the Imperial Flagship, which I believe up until now, has yet to be mentioned in the contest.
Can't say enough about the ending as well; I love that eerie last sentence, and kudos to the sailor who wrote the letter for going down fighting :) The inclusion of the Pearl was also a nice touch, playing on everyone's anticipation (or disappointment) with the upcoming ship.
There are a couple of things to point out; a few minor and another one that I think should be looked into. For starters, the first line should have a ‘the’ before Queen Anne’s Revenge.
Next is the first line of the third paragraph which should have ‘these means’ instead of ‘this means’. Again, just minor stuff that you don't want to cost you points. Like I told one of the other writers, you don't want to have grammar be the difference between your story and someone else's entry.
This sentence is a bit tricky:
“while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him”
I think you meant to say that other people, such as the Admiral, stood and let themselves die. Keyword here is the plural at the end. If you take out the part of the Admiral:
“while others simply stood and watched the horror overtake him.”
It should be obvious here how it makes more sense if ‘him’ is them’.
Finally, there is one thing that concerns me about this entry. While there is mention of the yellow head Pirates here, namely from Pirates II, does that qualify for Classic LEGO Pirates? I think the contest rules called for the classic LEGO pirates to encounter Pirates of the Caribbean:
“To write a short story (300 words or less) about the classic LEGO Pirates encountering the characters/vessels/locations from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.”
While I understand that classic pirates have the 6271 Imperial Flagship, I believe you are referring to the new Imperial Flagship no? What adds some controversy to this as well is that you do mention some classic Pirate ships (BSB, SES) that the QAR sank in the beginning of the letter. Is this enough to warrant a meeting/encounter between POTC and classic LEGO Pirates? If it becomes a problem, I would suggest changing the redcoats to bluecoats and that the ship in question be the Caribbean Clipper instead of the IF. That would keep your story intact! Unless of course Pirates II is considered part of classic Pirates; at which point my concern is unwarranted.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to lend a hand, particularly with the last part in case it violates the rules.
Posted 01 July 2011 - 05:41 AM
Edited by Cap'n Crunch, 01 July 2011 - 05:42 AM.
Fan of sugarythirsty pirates
Posted 01 July 2011 - 07:51 AM
I'd just add here I'd finish the last sentence like this ... prepared to meet death with a cutlass in my hand. I didn't count the words, so I don't know how you're doing.
As for the content part, I think there's too many real fans of POTC movies rather than only LEGO fans (including me) and therefor are disturbed by facts that were not in the movies instead of imagining that in LEGO world anything is possible. Therefor I too would change the Black Pearl with the Flying Dutchman. It's one of the ships everyone is eagerly waiting for, but noone survived to discribe how it looks like.
I have no other problems with the content. Even if you leave the Black Pearl in it could easily sink the Imperial flagship, since I presume after a big fight with QAR it was heavily damaged! And about the classic pirates, I do think the 2009 line should also go into that group, but let the moderator answer you this one or ask in the competition rules to be sure.
Posted 01 July 2011 - 08:25 PM
You've already gotten a lot of specific comments, some of which I agree with and some that I don't.
I agree with Bricks4Fun, that this line should be changed from "him" to "them":
"while others, like the Admiral, simply stood and watched the horror overtake him"
I understand that you've left out words here and there, probably to make it under 300, but I actually like this styling as it fits with the dialect of the time, if this were a real historical period.
I don't mean to pick on Bricks4Fun, but I disagree with this suggestion: "Next is the first line of the third paragraph which should have ‘these means’ instead of ‘this means’."
It actually should remain this because the word "means" can be used for singular or plural identification. The word itself contains the s, but it does not make it plural. Consider this phrase: "The means justifies the end." Means is a way of doing something. It could be a single thing or many. So your sentence should remain as you wrote.
Like everyone else, it doesn't fit with the movies to have the Black Pearl to rise out the water. If you want to keep the Black Pearl, I'd suggest having it sail in. Otherwise, change it to Flying Dutchman to rise up out of the water.
I personally think any pirates that is not POTC would classify as Classic. But you can always ask on the main contest thread for clarification.
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Posted 02 July 2011 - 03:39 AM
Bricks4fun thank you in particular for your insightful and supportive commentary, I will now ask the mods if my story counts for the contest because of the characters. I would've never picked up such an oversight and it would've been pretty bad for me if I would've been disqualified for not including the proper characters. Also, thanks for giving me a quick fix by including the bluecoats if I have to change it, very clever! Just to be safe, I think I will change the ending to accommodate a more LEGO type encounter based on cannons and size. One thing to remember though is that the Black Pearl did rise up out of the water in the 3rd movie when it crossed over from the world of the dead. But I agree its better if its the Flying Dutchman.
Posted 03 July 2011 - 12:14 AM
Julie - Thanks, I'm glad you found my comments useful! I'll be around to read the revision and best of luck in the contest!
Edited by Bricks4Fun, 03 July 2011 - 12:19 AM.
Posted 07 July 2011 - 08:01 PM
Want to throw out a few opinions before the end. Typically, in a literary work you will spell out numbers like "two" instead of writing them in their numeric form.
Also, it's true that the Black Pearl rose out of the water, but from my recollection no one was prepared for fighting unlike the Dutchman. And since there currently is no LEGO version of the Dutchman, I'd recommend that the Black Pearl simply flanked the ship. As it is, it's at night so this is very likely since no one would be on the watch with a battle raging on one side of their decks.
If you want something that sounds more poetic, you could say that "it seemed" like the Black Pearl rose from the depths.
Hope this helps.
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