Jump to content


My Dinner with Jacqueline


12 replies to this topic  – Started by Bricks4Fun , Jun 25 2011 06:55 AM

#1 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 25 June 2011 - 06:55 AM

For the Mill...

Here's my entry, please feel free to tear it apart with suggestions as it is 10 words over the 300 count. In this second version, the image has now been resized; thanks again to the admin for pointing that out.

Enjoy! (300 words)



Disguised as a wench, Jack infiltrated an intoxicated Governor Broadside's chamber to retrieve his compass. Inside, a lavish feast lay between them.  Broadside, after massive quantities of wine, couldn't tell it was a man underneath the wig and red dress. He likewise couldn't decipher the Pirate accent in Jack's raspy female voice.

“Governor Backside, pleasure to-“ Jack started.

“-It's Broadside!” scolded the Governor.

“My apologies…”

“No need my beauty…” Broadside burped. “What's your name again?”

“Captain Ja…err…Jacqueline, sir”

“Sexy name!  Have some wine Jacqueline.”

“I prefer rum, but what I'd fancy is for that compass ‘round your neck to be ‘round mine instead.” Jack snatched the compass.

“Jacqueline, that's mine!”

“Nay, my compass which briefly became your compass, is now my compass by law of possession, which is nine-tenths the law.”

“…what?” asked the confused Governor.


Jack removed his wig and dress, revealing his pirate outfit.

“Jacqueline, we just met; we mustn’t plunge into love so recklessly! And…why are you wearing Pirate’s clothes?” Broadside inquired.

“The better to fool you with Governor.”

“You’ve seduced me! Oh, you salty wench! …Guards!”


The Bluecoats arrived with deMartinet.

“The merry Bluecoats! Governor, how do you keep them smiling all the time?” Jack asked sarcastically.

“deMartinet, arrest this wench!”

“What charges sir!?” deMartinet asked.

“Thievery…she stole my heart!” Broadside cried.


Suddenly, Will Turner crashed through the window declaring. “Jack! I've come to save you!”

“Look, it’s Sparrow's eunuch friend!” sneered deMartinet.

The Bluecoats laughed heartily.

“Curses Jack! Look how far your rumor spread!” Will whined.

Jack eyed the broken window to escape. He turned to Broadside. “Dearest Backside, it never would've worked out between us!”

"Jacqueline no!" cried Broadside.

Sparrow leaped out leaving Will with the Bluecoats.

Broadside demanded. “Guards! Subdue the eunuch and force him into that dress! I won’t be alone tonight!”

FIN



Posted Image

Please excuse the modification of the Governor Broadside minifigure as I have been away from my collection for several months because of work and had to make due with the couple of POTC sets I have here and of all things, the Christmas Bakery. I do believe however, that Barbossa's torso fits the Bluecoat leader nicely!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 07 July 2011 - 01:52 AM.


#2 MstrOfPppts

MstrOfPppts
  • Lex Luthor, Bruce Wayne — what's the difference?


    Posts: 1102
    Joined: 18-December 10
    Member: 14752
    Country: Slovenia

Posted 25 June 2011 - 07:43 AM

Hi,

a very nice story you have here indeed! I like the idea of Jack geting disguised, even as a lady :) There is alot of dialogue and it's quite funny too. However I think that the dialogue could be tweaked a little bit to add just a bit more. Not that it isn't already like a 9/10 but something is still missing. of course it's just my first opinion and after rereading the story again I might come up with some concrete ideas!

I'd just point out that somewhere not stating who said what it's hard to define. For instance this line: “Curses Jack! Look how far your rumor spread!” I presume it was Will saying it, but it could also be the general making fun of Jack ...

Best of luck in the contest!

Posted Image


#3 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 25 June 2011 - 07:59 AM

Thanks MstrofPpts

Glad you liked it and I look forward to hearing more from you. Also, I notice the image might need to be resized, I will work on this first thing in the morning.

#4 Captain Blackmoor

Captain Blackmoor
  • Hates Redcoats, likes crab meat


    Posts: 4501
    Joined: 27-September 08
    Member: 4015
    Country: The Netherlands

Posted 25 June 2011 - 12:16 PM

The picture in your post Bricks4fun, is too large. This page is slow to load for people with a slow internet connection, not to mention those who use mobile phones to browse the forum.
Please resize your picture to 800x600 pixels, as that is the max size we allow on Eurobricks. :pir-wink:

Already thanks!

Sail to My Brickshelf or to My MOCpages, or my Flickr Photostream!




Got Questions? Need help? New member?
Read the site guidelines  - Index of helpful tutorials


Avalonia Trading Company


#5 SilvaShado

SilvaShado

    Posts: 457
    Joined: 13-June 11
    Member: 18422
    Country: U.S.A

Posted 25 June 2011 - 03:13 PM

I really enjoy the humor in this piece. Jack keeps calling Broadside Backside and that's funny. You've got some very funny dialogue, but sometimes it's hard to know who is saying what.  It reads more like a script than a short story, especially when you put Jack's action of snatching the compass in parenthesis.  That is a technique of scripts not short stories.  Another instance is when Broadside burps in the middle of his dialogue, you need to separate that out like this:

“No need my beauty…tell me," Broadside burped. "What's your name again?”

I also think you have too much going on, too many people entering.  While I like the one-shot jabs at Will, I personally think you could do without him being in the story and use those words to add actions to your dialogue.

These are just my opinions.  Feel free to take them or leave them.  I just hope that they help somehow.

Good luck in the contest!

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#6 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 25 June 2011 - 04:27 PM

Mstrofppts

Thanks for you input, I added description of exactly who is saying what the moment the bluecoats show up. I figured that in the beginning of the story, it should be self-explanatory who is talking because there are only two people in the room. I also changed the ending because I'm not sure if people got the 'Legolas' LOTR reference.

SS

I used to write many stories in script format and it seems it is a hard habit to break. Problem was I was so caught up with the picture that I didn't edit the parts out in parentheses. I included your suggestions in the new version, so thank you. As for Will, I think that with better explanation of who is talking, it makes it easier to follow when he shows up. Will has teetered between being left in or out of my story, but I think with these changes it makes more sense. What do you think? Is Will in or out?

Thanks everyone!

#7 MstrOfPppts

MstrOfPppts
  • Lex Luthor, Bruce Wayne — what's the difference?


    Posts: 1102
    Joined: 18-December 10
    Member: 14752
    Country: Slovenia

Posted 26 June 2011 - 03:09 PM

It's me again, I have more time this time so ...

First I must say I really like your changes. Although I liked the Legolas joke, I find this ending much better and funnier. Also who says what is clearer now that you've added descriptions. But then again now I found out what bothers me about the dialogues. As SilvaShado already mentioned there's too many people entering. The problem is not actually in their number, but not everyone in the scene has to say something. Therefore I'd remove some lines that are not really necessary for understanding what's happening. For example instead of deMartinet asking for what charges, I'd just make Broadside tell the bluecoats to arrest Jack for stealing his heart.

Suddenly, Will Turner crashed through the chamber's window.
“Jack! I've come to save you!” Will declared.

could be replaced with: Suddenly, Will Turner crashed through the chamber's window declaring: “Jack! I've come to save you!” - and sparing a word.

I'd also skip this part:
“Look, its Sparrow's eunuch friend!” sneered deMartinet.
The Bluecoats laughed heartily.
“Curses Jack! Look how far your rumor spread!” Will whined.

Maybe replace it with Broadside telling the bluecoats to capture them both or something funnier since he's already drunk which would clearly lead into the ending that you have now.

Also this sentence is a bit wierd: Enter Bluecoat guards and Lt. deMartinet. It's because of starting it with a verb. Maybe it should be just: Bluecoats entered the room. Lt. deMartinet can be either kept or just skipped, since all his dialogue is not really needed for understanding the story. This will cause more focus around the dialogue between Jack and the general. Will only says one line now, just clarifying what he's doing there.

And one last thing is that I don't understand what is the intoxicated supposed to mean in the first sentence. Did Jack get in the room after general was already drunk, or did he get drunk whilst dining and Jack didn't say a word till then so the general didn't uncover Jack. Also I think the word language is more appropriate than the word tongue in the second sentence.

Hope this didn't tear your story too much and of course feel free to use only the suggestions you find fit. Otherwise a nice story and as already said an improved ending in the second version!

Posted Image


#8 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 27 June 2011 - 06:04 AM

Mstrofpppts

I like your name btw, are you a metallica fan? In either case, I am going to take a day or two away from it and re-attack it using your suggestions, particularly the one recommending combining Will's line with his entrance. With 10 words to go, every bit helps so thank you! I'm also glad you liked the ending better, it was a last minute change.

I think this version makes more sense with Will in it, but we'll see what other feedback it gets. I'm glad I opened it up for feedback, it is definitely helping.  

Did you guys like the picture? It took so much longer to construct than I originally planned! Thank god for pick-a-brick! My regret is that I couldn't include Will, because I don't own the sets he comes in. And as stated above, the Governor minifigure is 900 miles away!

Thank you all for your help.

#9 JulieBlue

JulieBlue

    Posts: 11
    Joined: 22-June 11
    Member: 18615

Posted 28 June 2011 - 03:54 AM

This was hilarious! 4 star dialogue and comedy. The backside comments were funny and I love the ending as well; didn't know the governor swung that way lol. So far, the funniest story yet complete with a complete and engaging story. The picture is also very nice, I like the hidden bluecoat staring through the window. You're right though, a Will Turner action figure would've made it perfect.

My issue isn't so much with the number of characters or too much going on, and I was able to get who was speaking at what time clearly. My issue is that the narrative coul be a little better. You're clearly a master of dialogue here, and I like the narrative, but its missing that impact that I think will make this one unbeatable. Maybe a little more description would help too.

Other than that, I agree with ppts, that it is 9/10. My favorite so far!

jb

#10 Red Bricks

Red Bricks

    Posts: 145
    Joined: 10-April 11
    Member: 17178
    Country: Great Britain

Posted 28 June 2011 - 04:45 PM

I think someone's has just come up with a good beginning for POTC 5! :pir_laugh2:

#11 blackpyre

blackpyre

    Posts: 108
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18438

Posted 28 June 2011 - 10:10 PM

Bricks4Fun, this is one naughty pirate tale! ;O

I think Jack knows something about the Gov since he calls him Backside. ;)

And that last line I really was not expecting.

Since you have to cut words I suggest looking at what feels extraneous.  For instance, when Jack anounces himself as "Captain Ja...I mean..."  You can remove the "I mean" to give you two more words.

In addition, you might check out a few of the adjectives.  They may be nice but they're often the easiest to take out.

Lastly, look at the longer lines and see if there is a more concise way to say the same thing.  MstrOfPppts gave a good example with the entering pirates.

Lots of luck in the contest.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#12 Bricks4Fun

Bricks4Fun

    Posts: 57
    Joined: 14-June 11
    Member: 18465

Posted 07 July 2011 - 01:53 AM

Now 300 words, thanks for the suggestions and if there's anything else you guys feel is missing in the 11th hour please let me know; I'll do my best to change it. Good luck to everyone this weekend!

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 07 July 2011 - 01:53 AM.


#13 Zilcho

Zilcho

    Posts: 481
    Joined: 10-July 11
    Member: 18952

Posted 16 July 2011 - 10:14 PM

Well done Bricks4Fun! This is an incredibly funny story. Before I read the story I looked at the picture and that itself made me laugh out loud. The picture also adds a lot of description to the story which it itself lacks due to the heavy speech. The speech was a double edged sword for your entry, on one hand it added most of the humor which is your story's main focus  but on the other it makes the story harder to follow and comprehend.  Other than that fault this story is very good and is very Jack-like. I especially liked the Captain "Backside" jokes.

This is a very strong contender for the competition, very well done to you!



Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Sponsored Links