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Battle of the skins


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13 replies to this topic  – Started by Red Bricks , Jun 15 2011 07:36 PM

#1 Red Bricks

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:36 PM

We set our scene in the Caribbean sea. Where the former Pirate, now Privateer, Hector Barbossa assumed power over several Navy Ships to lead an attack on Brickbeard’s forces.

‘Ready those guns!’ Yelled Barbossa as his Flagship engaged Brickbeard’s Bounty.

‘You pale skins don’t stand a chance against us classics!’ Screamed Brickbeard.

As the ships lined with each other, Barbossa’s second in command, The notorious Jack Sparrow was so scared that he even turned his head into his screaming face!.

As both ships peppered cannon fire at each other, a vicious sword duel broke out between the two leaders.

‘Your legs are outdated!’ Taunted Brickbeard
‘My legs are identical to yours you stud head!’ Barbossa retaliated.

As the battle raged, Jack was able to sneak aboard the enemy ship in an attempt to steal some booty, Only to find Yoda and Dobby reading the Harry Potter series in the Cabin….. He backed away…

In a desperate act. Brickbeard opened his new Lego Set, None other than the Pirate’s Chess Set.

Barbossa was now outnumbered; with so few entries in his new theme, his crew could not contest with the size and number of the sets at Brick Beard's command.


‘I only came here because the cake shop told me I was too ugly’ Cried the Zombie.
‘I’m only here because I’m too drunk to do otherwise’ Jack added.

All of a sudden, Several Mermaids appeared from the depths. Every body stared at their beauty, Until they began to sing hits from the……..Nineties!
‘NOOOOO!’ The whole crew yelled.

Hope you enjoyed the story, And remember, Yellow Minifigures are at no disadvantage to the flesh! :pir_laugh2:

Edited by Red Bricks, 15 June 2011 - 09:24 PM.


#2 Red Bricks

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 08:20 PM

I am sorry for putting up 3 of the same stories, but my computer has been a bit unreliable lately, So if you did want to comment then please do so in this one :pir-classic:

#3 blackpyre

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 08:23 PM

Cool, finally found the thread that counts.

Um, I'd start by seperating paragraphs with a double space for readability.

The line "He has very little compared the on going classics." feels unecessary since you clearly show this with the lines before.  I laughed out loud when Brickbeard started opeining sets.

I'm not sure what you wanted to do with Yoda, Dobby, and the zombie.  I know they're LEGO minifigures that manage to get into strange sets but it confuses the plot.

As it is, the mermaids singing hits from the 90's works well to end the battle and they fit in the Pirate theme perfectly.

Despite all that was going on, I never felt completely lost either.  You do a wonderful job at clearly depicting the scene and how the ships meet.  This goes a long way in keeping the reader from getting lost.

Also, your placements of whimsy is spot on.  My favorite lines involve the retro pants. :)

Good luck in the contest.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#4 Red Bricks

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 08:27 PM

Glad you liked it, Thanks for the advice, I have spaced it all out now  :pir-classic:

#5 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:01 PM

Hello

I've enjoyed reading all of these stories today! This latest one was a welcome mix of comedy, combat and references to several Lego themes.

In the sentence: "Barbossa was now outnumbered, with such a new theme at his command, He has very little compared the on going classics." I assume you are trying to say that Barbossa is outnumbered and that Brick Beard's chess set is a new set that turns the battle in his favor. Is this correct? I also assume that you are trying to say that Barbossa has very little compared to the classic sets, no? You could instead say:

"Barbossa was now outnumbered; with so few entries in his new theme, his crew could not contest with the size and number of the sets at Brick Beard's command."

...or a variation of that if you wish. The sentence needs some work and is the only confusing part of an otherwise well told battle between the old and new pirates.

There have been many incarnations of the Lego Pirate world thus far, and this one is genuine in that you brought in Lego minifigs from other themes (Dobby and Yoda) and made references to others (Zombie insulted at cake shop or the 10216 Bakery, as I assumed you were trying to say). This creates a form of goofy comedy that is aimed at all Lego fans and thus serves your target audience, so nice work with that. This reminds me of a child that has minifigs from several themes 'crossing over' so to speak, into Lego Pirates. For example, Jack Sparrow drinking rum with the maiden from Kingdoms and Princess Leia in a Lego city cafe :p

Jack was also very funny in this one, giving both comedic hits in Lego form (the turning with the head to scared) and also in his movie form (when he replies he's 'too drunk to do otherwise' a line that I could easily picture Jack uttering on the silver screen). Finally, if hot, 10/10 mermaids started singing Hanon's "mmmBop" while I was at sea, I would jump in and let them devour me too. Maybe you could add that in the last part, for it was the most horrific of all the 90's hits...

All good fun and good reading as well, thank you.

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 15 June 2011 - 09:04 PM.


#6 Red Bricks

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:23 PM

Glad you enjoyed it, I will put all your comments into consideration  :pir-classic:

#7 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:51 PM

As mentioned in an entry before, I'd change the capital sentence NOOOOO with just normal sentence case.

I found Yoda hilarious! I could clearly imagine how sets are left after kids play, where Yoda is somehow stuck in the deck of a pirate ship. But about the Syrenes, the heat was really growing when I read the story, but then you mention the 90's? I'd replace that with one particular song to make it even funnier (may also be the mentioned Hansons), but I was really expecting Justin Bieber!

Posted Image


#8 Red Bricks

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 08:11 AM

I wasn't sure whether to name an actual singer so I just put a decade which I really don't like  :pir-classic:

#9 buddy

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 11:14 AM

Great story, I has a great link between PotC and Classic Pirates because of them battling about the colour of their 'skin'. The story is well written and humourous.  I particularly like how you have introduced characters from other themes (Dobby and Yoda).  :thumbup:

An improvement you could possibly make is that the Zombie says 'I only came here because the cake shop told me I was too ugly’. You may have made it sound like the cake shop itself (the building) sound like that it is talking to the Zombie to some readers. You could possibly change this to the woman in the cake shop or the woman behind the till in the cake shop told the Zombie eh was too ugly.

Overall, a great entry that is great to read and has good Lego-related humour in it.  :pir-classic:

~buddy~

Edited by buddy, 19 June 2011 - 02:54 PM.


#10 Red Bricks

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 03:52 PM

Glad you liked it mate  :pir-classic:

#11 blackpyre

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 08:57 AM

This story looks much better with the spacing and the changes others suggested really helped clean up the rough patches.

I agree with you about naming a particular song or band.  After all, we want to keep this story clean and adding Hansons or JB would make this the first horror entry in the contest. ;)  Seriously scary stuff.

Entry is looking good.  Good luck in the contest.

Will

Oh yeah one more thing.  When Jack finds Yoda and Dobby, is there any way to say he also found others?  That way, the zombie won't look like he's speaking out of no where.  Hope that makes sense.

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#12 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 21 June 2011 - 12:46 AM

Hi RedBricks

Reread you story today for fun and I noticed a few minor grammar points. I'm not sure what value the judges will place on grammar while voting, but better safe than sorry I would say. Here are the lines in question followed by a suggestion on what to do about each one.

We set our scene in the Caribbean sea. Where the former Pirate, now Privateer, Hector Barbossa assumed power

We set our scene in the Caribbean sea, where the former Pirate turned Privateer, Hector Barbossa, assumed power

Also:

In a desperate act. Brickbeard opened his new Lego...

In a desperate act, Brickbeard opened his new LEGO...

Finally:

Every body stared at their beauty, Until they began to sing...

Everybody stared at their beauty, until they began to sing...

Again, I only point this out because when someone judges a story, grammar might be the difference between two terrific entries. I'd hate to see your story fall out of favor because of something that could have been easily corrected. Good Luck!

#13 SilvaShado

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Posted 21 June 2011 - 02:11 PM

I smiled the entire way through reading this entry. You have quite a lot of subtle and not-so subtle humor here. It’s all quite off-the-wall and I love it!

My suggestion for improvement is the punctuation needs a lot of work. You use periods in the wrong places, have odd capitalization and some of your line spacing is off.

Here’s some examples of what needs to be fixed.

Quote

‘Ready those guns!’ Yelled Barbossa as his Flagship engaged Brickbeard’s Bounty.

‘You pale skins don’t stand a chance against us classics!’ Screamed Brickbeard.

Both “Yelled” and “Screamed” should be lower case. When you are describing how someone says something, it is a continuation of the dialogue. It’s hard to see here because you use exclamation marks, but if you were to take those out, you’d use a comma before the quotes.

A good method for checking over your story is to read it out loud. You’ll catch a lot of mistakes that way.

I hope my comments are helpful. Please use what you like and forget the rest.

Good luck in the contest!

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#14 RyanF1

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Posted 21 June 2011 - 04:37 PM

i really like this, I have red it twice now and think it is good, my favorite theme is POTC and you can tell you like Barbossa. good luck




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