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20 replies to this topic  – Started by Deckard , Jun 15 2011 01:57 PM

#1 Deckard


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 01:57 PM

Here is my entry to the story contest, enjoy.

Fog poured through the window into the darkness, the moonlight obscured by clouds shone down, cutting through the mist like a sabre and providing some light to the dark bedroom.

Through the shadows appeared a minifigure, inching forward, he leaned in smiling, light glimmering off his gold teeth.

"Ah Captain Jack Sparra!"

"Master Gibbs!...err your late."

"But sir, I've been here since..."

"Heresay and conjecture" Jack leveled his compass as Gibbs followed his bobbing head left and right before looking up.

"Upsy daisy, savvy?"

Gibbs hoisted Jack to his shoulders. Little Billy lay sleeping in his bed, his LEGO now of their own mind.

"Classic-Pirates.com mate, they say the Pearls coming in November."

"So what are we doin here exactly?" replied Gibbs.

"You don't really expect me to wait until November to pillage and plunder do you?"

"Aye I spose not."

The Brickbeard's Bounty sat high atop the bookshelf.

"Alright you skalliwag, HEAVE!" Shouted Jack.

He and Gibbs pushed the Bounty with all their might, scraping wood and leaving a trail in the dust as she inched closer to the edge. Captain Brickbeard sprang forth from his tupperware tomb alerted by the noise.

"STOP HIM!" Screamed Brickbeard, his crew now running toward the fading vessel as fast as their plastic legs could carry them.

Gibbs pushed ahead as the classic LEGO inched in.

From the rigging Jack taunted Brickbeard. "You will always remember this as the day you almost-"

The ship teetered, rocking back and forth before tumbling over the edge and shattering into pieces on the watery blue colored carpet below. Gibbs stood shocked above looking over the mess.

Jack pulled himself dazed from the brick wreckage... "...Cap'n Jack Sparrow..."

The light clicked on. "MOM! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LEGO?!"

Edited by Deckard, 08 July 2011 - 07:33 PM.

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#2 lightningtiger

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 02:08 PM

Not bad story there 'Deckard', it shows that Jack must drink too much rum to try that stunt eh ? :pir_laugh2:
Good luck and keep on writing them stories while drinking rum ! :pir-grin:

#3 Admiral Croissant

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 02:11 PM

Nice one :pir-classic:  Original and funny. How many words did you use?
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#4 Deckard


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 02:18 PM

Thanks guys. Sorry was doing a bit of editing, I gotta recount them but I came in under 300 the first time.  :pir_laugh2:

Ok I think I got it at about 293.

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#5 Cap'n Crunch

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 02:19 PM

Master Gibbs is better I think.
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#6 Deckard


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 02:21 PM

View PostCap, on 15 June 2011 - 02:19 PM, said:

Master Gibbs is better I think.

Yes indeed, thanks for the tip!

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#7 legolooney


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 05:38 PM

Really well written, I love Tupperware tomb and the other imagery you've used.

My only issue is with the word legos. It hurts my head to read this. The plural of Lego is Lego.

Once that is corrected you will have a brilliant entry.

#8 Bricks4Fun


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 06:45 PM


A very worthy entry in my eyes, I truly enjoyed the mix of fantasy and reality, with the Lego coming to life in the night while the child sleeps, as if it was a dream from his own conjecture. It takes me back to the time before my dark age when I would collect the Pirate sets and hoist them up on the shelves. High points for nostalgia. The opening is very nice, and welcomes the reader into your story with the subtlety of the fog and the opposing violence of the sabre. You also worked well within the word limit, and flawlessly I might add, with no loose ends or confusing points. Your dialogue is also spot on, Jack would definitely blame Gibbs for being late when he was on time all along. Excellent job of depicting that relationship here as well. It's also in the way you write the dialogue as well, with Gibbs saying 'Jack Sparra' which really brings his Pirate's tongue to the fray, again adding familiarity to the characters. Finally, you also worked in our anticipation of the Black Pearl in November as well; when will we get a photo!?

I did notice one possible, yet, minor discrepancy, with regards to the line "rape, pillage and plunder". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall Jack ever saying he intended to rape anyone in the films, nor do I attribute such an act to his character. While I am well aware that real life pirates did force themselves on women, I'm not sure Jack did this. I could be wrong, and maybe he did mention it in the movies, but I'm not sure. Were it any other pirate but Jack, I wouldn't have brought it up. Other than this, I wouldn't change a thing.

Edited by Bricks4Fun, 15 June 2011 - 07:08 PM.

#9 blackpyre


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:48 PM

LOL, this is definitely a top notch entry.

I liked the self contained nature of the plot with vivd description as pointed out with the other posts.

Brick4Fun nailed it with the excellent capturing of the characters.  Also, the point about Jack and rape.

POTC is a Disney license and you can be sure they would not want Jack to mention such a thing.

I was going to warn you agout writing "legos."  On this point many fans will hold a grudge against your story.  I learned this in some reviews I wrote a while back.  Here's the advice I recieved.

Use LEGO as an adjective as in LEGO bricks or LEGO minifigures.

When you use it as a noun make sure you are talking about the company as in LEGO will release the Black Pearl later this year.

Also, make sure LEGO is in all caps and not like this "Lego" or "lego."

That should help you avoid a negative impression by LEGO fans.

The only other thing I noticed is that some of your dialogue needs to have a capital letter at the begining of it.  For instance, when Jack says "heresay it should be Heresay.

On the whole, these are minor changes and you've done an excellent job.

Good luck in the contest.


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#10 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:30 PM

Everything's been said already and I agree I to would avoid using the word LEGO. I'd just use bricks instead. If not for other reason, then for the fact that blackpyre already mentioned it has to be written in all capital to be correct. That is also the only change I'd do - replace the last sentence in capitals into normal size. In the stories or novels you normally stick to normal sentence case no matter if it's shouting or something has to stand out. There for the exclamation mark is used.

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#11 Deckard


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Posted 15 June 2011 - 11:27 PM

Thanks again to everyone for the praise and critism, its very helpful.

I have returned to make some corrections, including puncuation, word usage, and excluding Jack's rape pillage and plunder line. Apologies to the LEGO fans. I have corrected the plural usage, and if a mod would be kind enough to do so in my title it would go greatly appreciated. I also corrected myself on the Pearl's November release. With the rape pillage and plunder line, my intention wasn't twoards women, but like you can rape a town or pirate ship as a verb.

7. to plunder (a place); despoil.
8. to seize, take, or carry off by force.

I was remembering back to his line in the first film while attempting to board the Interceptor but I agree that it sends the wrong message so I removed it. Jack indeed would not nor need to do such a thing, given what we've seen of his luck with the ladies anyway.  :pir_laugh2:

Again thank you, I just tryed to capture the idea that these figures came to life at night and I'm glad everyone was able to pick up on all of the ideas I put in there so smoothly. All other comments and critism welcome. And also a big thank you to the folks here hosting this fun contest.  :pir-sweet:

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#12 Tazmaniac

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 12:37 AM

You can edit your title by clicking "full edit" once inside the edit screen.
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Edited by TazManiac, 16 June 2011 - 02:01 AM.

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#13 buddy


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Posted 18 June 2011 - 06:46 PM

Great entry, I like the way you have given detail and expression to the characters by the way that you have written their pronounciation of words. Also you have given further detail about the characters by what you have made them say, such as when Jack says that Gibbs is late when in fact Gibbs is early and Jack is late. This shows Jack's attitude well. Also, I like the storyline of it that it is set in a bedroom when a child is asleep and that there is fog rolling in as Jack makes an entrance. Another thing about the setting of it is that it is descriptive and makes the reader visual the setting is when the ship is 'scraping wood and leaving a trail in the dust as she inched closer to the edge.'  :thumbup:

To improve the story, you could maybe add a small few word description of the boy, for example, you could say the colour of his hair or his age or you could say that he was dreaming of Lego. But this would only be a slight adjustment to an already great story.  :pir-classic:

Great entry with good descriptions and a good storyline.  :pir-sweet:


#14 SilvaShado


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Posted 22 June 2011 - 12:59 AM

Absolutely wonderful! I love the humor in this! The antics of the minifigures are perfect and you’ve definitely captured Jack and Gibb’s patterns of speech.

Here are some suggestions for improvement. Please take what you like and ignore the rest.

While I love the imagery of the first two sentences, I was at a loss at to exactly where Gibbs and Jack are. Or what they’re doing. I get later in the story that they are trying to move Brickbeard's Bounty, but it’d help if you described how the two are moving about while they are talking. Some of their dialogue can be cut down as it’s not all necessary.

I love this phrase: tupperware tomb – it’s perfect!

You’ve misspelled two words. As Brickbeard is shouting, you spelled “toward” as “twoard.” Also, as the ship is falling, you spelled “teetered” as “teatered.”

Only one other comment, I’d take the “S” out of LEGOS in the title of the story. Just a minor quibble.

I hope my comments help! Good luck in the contest!

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#15 JulieBlue


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Posted 27 June 2011 - 05:14 AM

Hi everyone, for my very first post after being a long time lurker, Ill throw my numbe rinto the hat for the creative critic (Mill here I come!).

Sooooo, I agree with many of the things said above from the other critics. I think your dialogue is amazing, it is my favorite part of the story. The lines also flow very nicely, another strong point.

I do wish though that there was a picture. Now, from what I read in the rules, you aren't forced to make a scene out of LEGO, but because I read other stories that were posted and they had LEGO pics, I would create something simple here if I were you. It shouldn't be too difficult, unless you don't own the pirate ship. Other than that, I think you should do well in the contest.


#16 Bart


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Posted 30 June 2011 - 09:44 AM

love it :D

I've got no comments to make about it :p



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#17 Deckard


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Posted 05 July 2011 - 03:04 PM

Thank you once again for all of your help guys and gals!   :thumbup:

I have made a few more corrections and when I get some more free time tonight and going to continue to tighten up the story with some suggestions.

I will also try to add a picture if I'm able to capture something appropriate for this scene.

Would a mod be willing to please help me and remove the "S" at the end of my title?

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#18 Erdbeereis

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Posted 05 July 2011 - 03:49 PM

View PostDeckard, on 05 July 2011 - 03:04 PM, said:

Would a mod be willing to please help me and remove the "S" at the end of my title?
Gladly. :pir-classic:

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#19 Deckard


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Posted 08 July 2011 - 07:35 PM

View PostErdbeereis, on 05 July 2011 - 03:49 PM, said:

Gladly. :pir-classic:

Thanks alot!

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#20 Zilcho


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Posted 23 July 2011 - 10:00 AM

Hi Deckard.

Your story is very original in the sense that the characters are LEGO by day but then come alive by night;  something I wish my LEGO did when I was younger. I also like the lovely description you used at the start, it really set the scene. I felt as though your story could have done with a picture which would add to the story and make it more memorable, whether it be a pile of bricks on the floor or whatever.

Nice story and good luck in the competition.

Edited by Zilcho, 23 July 2011 - 10:02 AM.

#21 CaptainBermuda


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Posted 04 August 2011 - 04:55 AM

hehe, now Jack must wait til November like the rest of us :pir-devil:
"Men, we led those dumb bugs out to the middle of nowhere to keep 'em from gettin' their filthy claws on Earth... but we stumbled onto somethin' they're so hot for, that they're scramblin' over each other to get it! Well, I don't care if it's God's own personal anti-S.O.B. machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it! What we WILL let 'em have is a belly full of lead, and a pool of their own blood to drown in! Am... I... RIGHT, Marines?!" - Sergeant Johnson
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