9 replies to this topic

[Mister Phes]

“Elizabeth, when do you think we’ll get to Tortuga?” asked Jack, looking at his compass.

“I think we’re almost...” Elizabeth started, but she was interrupted by a crash. Their boat crashed on a seemingly deserted island.

“Where are we?” Will asked.

“I don’t know, but this isn’t Tortuga.” They left the boat and decided to wander around.

“We might be on this island for a long time,” Jack informed them, “So we need to find supplies. Elizabeth, find us some food, and Will and me will build a shelter.” So they got on with their jobs.

Will picked some leaves off a tree but his hand got caught on something: It was a hook. He shouted in shock, when a man with a red beard and a peg leg emerged.

“Hello, there. My name is Brickbeard. And you are?”

“Hi, I’m Will Turner. I’m stranded on this island, with Elizabeth Turner and Jack Sparrow.”

Brickbeard became very angry, and Will guessed why he was so angry.

“Jack and I were crew on a boat, the Voyager. We were very good friends, and both wanted to become captain, so we decided to kill Captain Loppett, to become co-captains together . But when we did, Jack became drunk with power, and threw me overboard, so I swam here and...”

Their conversation was interrupted by a figure emerging from behind a nearby bush. It was Jack.

“So, Brickbeard, we meet again,” taunted Jack.

“For the last time, eh, Sparrow?” threatened Brickbeard, and a ferocious swordfight ensued. They both dodged and ducked eachother’s swords, but in the end Jack struck a fatal blow to Brickbeard’s chest, and he fell to the floor, and with one last twitch Brickbeard was dead.

“I can tell we’re going to be here for a long time, Will,” Jack chuckled.

[MstrOfPppts]

Seems like Matt was following our other contest topics, since the paragraphs and quotations seem fine as we've discussed these things before - or he just knows how things are done!

As on the content side of the story, I think the overall story is OK, but I miss the LEGO references which all AFOLs are used to find in the stories that are meant for a contest like this. If Brick Beard was not such a common known LEGO figure, then this could also be a story not meeting the rule about LEGO POTC and classic pirates meeting eachother ...

But now it struck me, the death of Brick Beard could also mean the end of the classic pirates theme - it is the only reference I could make from this entry to LEGO pirates.

And on the other side of content (a bit picky though), why does Will not help Jack defeat Black Beard. Does he just stand and watch there?

Please take no offense on a harsh comment, maybe it's just I got used to the way all the other entries were going, and didn't find your style that interesting.

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 15 June 2011 - 02:19 PM.

[Admiral Croissant]

It's a good story and well written, but I think it can be improved a little.
IMO, it can use a bit more humor, and perhaps a slightly better clue or something strange or exceptional to happen.
But overall it's a nice entry and I wish you good luck in the contest

[CrazyPirate]

Needs more humor.Good story,put it kind of puts Jack as the bad guy.Needs a bit of improvement.But,pretty good story overall.

[legolooney]

Well written and neatly structured but i'm not sure that it's in Jacks personality to get drunk on power or kill an ex-best friend in cold blood.

Maybe tweak the ending! otherwise. Great job

[Bricks4Fun]

Mister Phes, on 15 June 2011 - 01:08 PM, said:

“Elizabeth, when do you think we’ll get to Tortuga?” asked Jack, looking at his compass.

“I think we’re almost...” Elizabeth started, but she was interrupted by a crash. Their boat crashed on a seemingly deserted island.

“Where are we?” Will asked.

“I don’t know, but this isn’t Tortuga.” They left the boat and decided to wander around.

“We might be on this island for a long time,” Jack informed them, “So we need to find supplies. Elizabeth, find us some food, and Will and me will build a shelter.” So they got on with their jobs.

Will picked some leaves off a tree but his hand got caught on something: It was a hook. He shouted in shock, when a man with a red beard and a peg leg emerged.

“Hello, there. My name is Brickbeard. And you are?”

“Hi, I’m Will Turner. I’m stranded on this island, with Elizabeth Turner and Jack Sparrow.”

Brickbeard became very angry, and Will guessed why he was so angry.

“Jack and I were crew on a boat, the Voyager. We were very good friends, and both wanted to become captain, so we decided to kill Captain Loppett, to become co-captains together . But when we did, Jack became drunk with power, and threw me overboard, so I swam here and...”

Their conversation was interrupted by a figure emerging from behind a nearby bush. It was Jack.

“So, Brickbeard, we meet again,” taunted Jack.

“For the last time, eh, Sparrow?” threatened Brickbeard, and a ferocious swordfight ensued. They both dodged and ducked eachother’s swords, but in the end Jack struck a fatal blow to Brickbeard’s chest, and he fell to the floor, and with one last twitch Brickbeard was dead.

“I can tell we’re going to be here for a long time, Will,” Jack chuckled.

Hi there, nice work on this entry.

I applaud the direction in which you took this; the more serious approach as opposed to the comedic. I agree with the previous post that Jack killing Brick Beard is symbolic and it is the truest example of this that we have seen so far. Also, you succeeded in creating a concise story within the 300 word limit, with an opening that is informative and to the point and also pulls you in to your story.

As for the humor aspect, and the calls for more of it, I believe what the other posters were getting at is that POTC has many scenes of humor in it and so it is expected in some instances (though remember there is much violence and bloodshed as well) If you wish to add more humor, I would consider the dialogue in your story, particularly that of Jack Sparrow. If you've seen the movies (I'm assuming most on this board have at one point or another) you will notice how Jack rarely says anything that isn't in one way or another humorous during his screen time. In your story for example, Jack asks Elizabeth to find food and says he and Will will build a shelter. In the movies, I believe, Jack would instead make a run for some rum or other vice in lieu of actually accomplishing something important, like finding shelter and food. It all goes in hand with what many characters in the movies have said, that "Jack never has a plan". But somehow, he manages to get things done.

Some of the other entries have taken bits of Jack's dialogue such as "saavy" or "where's the rum". Some have even come up with clever lines on their own, things that in my mind, would be something I would see coming out of Jack's mouth. If you wish to add more humor, I would remember some of the funnier moments in the movies and try to incorporate some sort of derivation of them, or at least some of the dialogue from said scenes, into your scenes.

But if you're happy with this direction of story/dialogue (as I said earlier it is different and so it stands out) then I would leave it as is.

Good luck and please excuse the long post

[blackpyre]

Well I agree with the others, you have good structure.  There's clean formating and a logical progression to the story.

Brick4Fun has it right.  It does not matter if your story is serious or humorous.  Both are valid points but there seems to be a lack of characterization.

One way I help in this area is to ask myself what does the character want in this scene?  For instance, Brickbeard wants revenge.  Therefore, a calm expanation of why he is angry seems a bit out of place given what he wants.

To go a bit deeper, Jack can be extremely serious in his desires.  However, he masks his actions to look like a charasmatic fool to achieve them.  This is where all the humor comes from.

You have some good symbolism working for you here.  All you need is more life into your characters to animate it fully.

HOpe this helps and good luck in the contest.

Will

[buddy]

Good entry, I particularly like the structure of the story with it mainly made up of speech between the characters to show what is happening in the story and the speech also helps the reader start to establish the characteristics of the characters. Also, I like the way that you have smoothly introduced the Classic Pirates link of the story, with the sudden appearance of Captain Brickbeard after an incident with Jack long ago.  

I agree with the others, that a negative point about this story, is the lack of characterisation in the story, this wouldn't be hard to fix you could just add some small extra details or words in a speech so that the characters are more vivid and detailed in the readers mind. An example of a way that you could do this is by when you say 'Jack and I were crew on a boat, the Voyager. We were very good friends, and both wanted to become captain, so we decided to kill Captain Loppett, to become co-captains together . But when we did, Jack became drunk with power, and threw me overboard, so I swam here and...' In this speech, you could mention what they did together when they were friends (Pirate activities such as drinking rum together etc.). Also, you could add to the characterisation by making Jack seem a bit more menacing when he has his eye on something big and serious (the Captain's role). This could just be saying that he threw Brickbeard overboard ina specifically dangerous place such as the Bermuda Triangle or shark-infested waters.  

On the whole, a great entry with a well structured storyline.  

~buddy~

[SilvaShado]

You have a very good premise, but it lacks emotion. It’s very straight-forward, which can be good, but it’s also very matter-of-fact. I don’t feel any investment in the characters. And Jack, especially, doesn’t feel right or sound right.

I think there’s too much going on to fit it in 300 words. I suggest starting the story with them already searching the beach. Jack can still comment about being there a while since they crashed, but it’ll give you more words to use for developing the story.

I hope my comments are helpful. Good luck in the contest!

[Zilcho]

Hi Matt, I like your storyline and appreciate it being a little more serious than other entries. I do feel, however, that you cold have replaced some of the speech with some narrative as the heavy speech makes the reader only aware of what's happening to the characters at hand. There are also a couple of grammatical errors I found:

Quote

Elizabeth, find us some food, whilst Will and I

The me should be I as it is nominative, not accusative or simpler: Jack is doing something, not having something done to him.

The whilst, for me, sounds better than and, but that's just personal preference.

Other than that, this is a well constructed story, well done and good luck!