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A new set acquired


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23 replies to this topic  – Started by MstrOfPppts , Jun 14 2011 05:50 PM

#1 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 05:50 PM

I must say I like the idea of how previous contestants decided to go for a WIP story and change it according to what people have to say, so here's my go:

A new set acquired


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After two months of being proudly displayed on a shelf, the great Queen Anne's Revenge has finally been disassembled and put into the drawer with other bricks. Before the crews eyes got used to the darker place, someone started complaining.

“Look at all their fancy detailed clothes.”

“Ay, and check their heads, that color makes my yellow face turn green!”

“Check out the black furry one, his sword is made of rubber!”

Roaring of about a dozen pirates was heard as Angelica suggested parley.

“There is no such thing as Parley in the classic pirate’s universe, men slay them all!”

Suddenly all the ropes lying around enliven and started wrapping around the threatening pirates.

“Although you might be greater in number, you don’t stand a chance against my sword and my zombie crew,” Blackbeard answered calmly.

“To arms!” shouted the general as a couple of bluecoats joined the fight.

Just before the clash a movement of a huge pile of bricks drew everyone’s attention. A postman dog showed up with a watering-can in his hands.

“Puppy?” Jack was surprised peeking from his hideout.

The dog watered the flowers in front of him then looked at the crowd staring at him.

“What is with all the nonsense? I’m old enough to have witnessed plenty of such deviant behavior but all ended with new guys happily merging with the old ones. After all we all have the same creator!”

Blackbeard broke the moment of silence: “Ay, that black tricorne there looks more accurate to the movies. Give it here!”

Some pirates chuckled while a bluecoat spoke to the cook: “With your head I can clearly represent Bonaparte!”

Everyone burst into laughter. It was clear that there was no more offense and most importantly they all served the mocking purpose happily ever after!

Word count: 300

The picture is coming later this evening. It needs some editing.

Here is the first draft in case you missed it and want to understand the comments and see the changes:
Spoiler

Edit 2: The title and the picture were added, also Bricks4Funs suggestions were considered since I find them in place!

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 19 June 2011 - 11:46 PM.

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#2 blackpyre

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 10:18 PM

LOL, this is a very clever entry.  I like how they are well aware of their LEGO status.

I'd recommend seperating paragraphs with a double space to make it easier for readers.

I'd also suggest removing some dialogue to make room for description.  I have an idea what the minifigures look like but have little to orientate myself on with the environment.

Also, I wanted to point out that the rejection of parley and then the reading of rules by Jack's father seems contrary to itself.  This is because the rules are used to define things like parley.  Of course, old school rules may only involve not to play in grass and shoot projectiles at people. ;)

Still this is a very promising start.  Good luck in the contest.

Will

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#3 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:50 AM

I don't think I'll find more space for any better description. I prefer keeping the dialogues, since they are the funny part of the story. And anyway everything is happening in a drawer full of LEGOs, so it's basically just lego bricks all around and the environment doesn't play any role in the story. Also the picture will be taken this weekend, which will clearly show exactly what's happening.

Yes I to don't like the "No Parley" and the code part. I have to change it to something better. I'll also try to make more seperate lines, by the next edit. Thanks for comments!

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#4 blackpyre

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 08:54 AM

The picture should go a long way in clearing up my own confusion.

I forgot to say which environments I was confused with.  First, when blackbeard uses his ships lines.  Is the ship still in tact or in pieces?  Also, I didn't know if the Queen Anne's Revenge set was to one side or surrounded by the classic pirates.  

I'm sorry I was not specific earlier.  I know my own weakness in writing is description and it's probably why I notice it.  I'm constantly struggling with it.

This is a really great innovative story and I can't wait to see it with the image and format changes.

Good luck in the contest.

Will

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My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#5 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 09:19 AM

It is mentioned that the set is dissasembled and the lines and ropes were meant to be just ropes lying araund mixed with bricks in a drawer (The sword controls any ropes, not just the ones from the ship, mentioned in the movie the Black Pearl was attacked by its own ropes ...)

Anyway now i realized that most AFOLS have a far greater LEGO collection than me and sort the bricks in smaller boxes. My LEGOs are all stored in a 1 meter by 1 meter drawer under the bed. Minifigs, ropes, all the colors - everything is mixed. I only keep the sails away to prevent them from beeing wrinkled. I do agree and will try to describe that better! Thanks for pointing it out.

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#6 blackpyre

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 07:22 PM

That helps me even more since I have not seen the 4th POTC movie.

I think I was getting the impression that they were stored all together like how you keep your pieces.  It was that part in the begining about it being seperated into drawers that I think was confusing me.  My personal storage keeps the minifigures seperate from other pieces.

I'm sure it will be an easy fix for you.

Can't wait to see the latest version.

Will

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My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#7 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 04:36 AM

MstrOfPppts

I must say, for a non English native speaker, you did a very good job with this. I really like it when elements from the new movie (the ropes coming alive) are incorporated into the stories, so nice work with this as well.

I agree that your dialogue is the crux of your story here; however, worthy descriptions are important as well. One thing that other entries have is that they first give you one or two lines of strong description, followed by several dialogue exchanges. This definitely helps with the word count, because you don't have to supplement each dialogue phrase with a sentence explaining what just happened. This holds even more true in your case, as you say that this is all taking place in a drawer and that the environment is kind of irrelevant. In which case, you can condense what descriptions you do give at the beginning and then give us the meat and potatoes of your story, which are the verbal exchanges between the LEGO pirates.

Also, have you considered using a script format for this? I think it would cut down the number of words as it would save you from explaining who said what. For Example, in the line: “Although you might be greater in number, you don’t stand a chance against my sword and my zombie crew,” a calm voice of Blackbeard answered.

You could do this in script format:

Blackbeard
“Although you might be greater in number, you don’t stand a chance against my sword and my zombie crew,”

You just cut out five words.

Or you could just say that "Blackbeard answered" after the quote and cut out 3 words.

Good luck and as always, these are merely suggestions.

#8 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 17 June 2011 - 07:02 AM

Yes I agree with that, but then in that case I loose the description of Blackbeards reply being calm - as he always is, not afraid of anyone. Well maybe that really isn't that important in a short story like this. I'll rethink it all over and give you all my next go, hopefuly during the weekend, when I'll also take the picture.

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#9 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 06:16 PM

Edited the first post with the second version. I cutted the words a bit to meet the limitation and changed the twist a bit. The code and parley thing really didn't go together, and I found it more funny this way! Hope you like it!

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#10 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 08:50 PM

MstrOfPppts

Your story is much improved with this latest draft. I like this ending better as it is more straightforward. Also, very nice work with the word count; you managed to trim it nicely without compromising the story in any way. As it stands now, I would feel comfortable with this strong entry. However, there are two minor changes I would suggest.

If you change your second sentence of dialogue to:

Ay, and check their heads, that color makes my "Yellow" face turn green

You'll be at 300 words and I think that it will clarify who is jealous of the POTC LEGO, in this case, the classic pirates. I also suggest changing 'the' to 'that' as I did in the example.

I would also suggest rearranging the line: "fancy clothes detail" to "fancy detailed clothes" which I believe is more grammatically sound.

I am not sure who the Postman dog is. Is this a standard dog from LEGO city? I think its cute that he waters plants. I read your story to my girlfriend and she liked this part especially! Are you going to include the dog in the picture you're submitting?

Good luck, and I hope you do very well in the contest :)

#11 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 11:49 PM

Thanks for comments, I was just thinking about where to spend the spare word! I think all comments are in place, so I did the changes.

You don't know a LEGO dog postman?! Shame on you :) Just kidding ... I thought a FABULAND character would make a nice reference to a moderator, who likes FABULAND avatar images ...

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#12 blackpyre

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 08:40 AM

LOL

You got me when one of the Classics metioned that Blackbeard's sword was made of rubber.  I think because it is clearly seperated now I was able to get it.

And good lord, I remember those Fabuland minifigure things.  Man, they were creepy.  And what was with that watering can?  Did every Fabuland set have that?  I try not to remember because it would give me nightmares.

I like all the changes you made.  Looks ship shape even though that ship is in pieces in a drawer.

Will

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#13 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 21 June 2011 - 12:17 AM

Ok, now I see the Postman Dog. I vaguely remember the minifigure but cannot recall from where or when exactly. And I totally agree with blackpyre it is creepy and right out of a David Lynch movie. It is funny though and like I said earlier, it works.

Good luck!

#14 SilvaShado

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 12:43 AM

I really like what you’re trying to get at here. The PoTC crew has been dumped in a drawer with a bunch of the classic pirates. A fight begins to break out and all is calmed by the realization that they’re all toys. The picture is wonderful!

I really like this concept. But some things are not conveyed very clearly. Here are some suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Please take what you like and ignore the rest.

Some of the dialogue is not attached to anyone. It’s hard to see what is going on and who is saying or doing what. More concrete action needs to happen to help the story flow from beginning to end. Attach people to dialogue and actions.

For example, I’d really like to know who said this line. I want to say it’s the dog, but I’m not sure. If it's the dog, I'd put the dialogue at the end of his description.

Quote

“What is with all the nonsense? I’m old enough to have witnessed plenty of such deviant behavior but all ended with new guys happily merging with the old ones. After all we all have the same creator!”


Some of the sentences aren’t clear as to what is going on. Here’s an example:

Quote

Suddenly all the ropes lying around enliven and started wrapping around the threatening pirates.

I am not sure how the ropes are moving or why. I’m also not sure which pirates are being referenced. They’re all threatening pirates to me, but if it is Blackbeard’s doing, indicate this by putting him in there.

You really have a great concept here with some funny lines. You just need to clear up some of the confusion. Good luck in the contest!

Edited by SilvaShado, 22 June 2011 - 12:46 AM.

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#15 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 07:58 AM

Well for the first lines of dialogue I thought it's not that important who sais it and it was clear it's one of the classic pirates for the content. But who said it was cut down for the word count anyway. I'll try to find some more words somewhere ... :(

Yes that line is said by the dog but I agree it might not be clear.

The threatening pirates: I'm not a native but I thought that the classic pirates are threatening ones, since they are the only ones wanting the fight up to this point. The POTC figures are being threatened - so they are the threatened pirates. I might be wrong :S

As for the ropes part, as blackpyre already said I presume you too didn't see the fourth movie yet. Else I think it'd be clear, that ropes can be controled by Blackbeards sword and the continuation of what he says makes it even clearer. But I'll try to change it for those who haven't watched the movie ...

Thanks for advice!

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#16 Cap'n Crunch

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 08:52 AM

The QAR's ropes are short sections so even if the minifigures did come alive they wouldn't achieve the effect as in the movie. If you look at older sets like the SES, you will notice that entire lengths of LEGO ropes are used, not just little stretches. But of course this is just a minor technical problem.

Anyway, I like how the whole story is connected with dialogues and I love how you make references to the yellow minifigures and the fleshies. I didn't know that Blackbeard's sword was made of rubber. Your description of Blackbeard being fluffy was very amusing. I couldn't help but notice that the Blackbeard minifig seems to be based on the real Blackbeard rather than the Blackbeard in the movie.
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#17 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 10:30 AM

I know the QAR has only short parts of ropes but as already mentioned the sword can control any ropes as the ones lying around from other sets either from ships or from fire nozels. Check the picture in the first post.

As for the Blackbeard that only is right for the lit fuses, which in the movie were quite unnoticable but were there check this image - the fuses are mixed in the beard here not sticking from under the hat.

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#18 SilvaShado

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 02:01 PM

View PostMstrOfPppts, on 22 June 2011 - 07:58 AM, said:

Well for the first lines of dialogue I thought it's not that important who sais it and it was clear it's one of the classic pirates for the content. But who said it was cut down for the word count anyway. I'll try to find some more words somewhere ... :(

You do have a valid point here. It does make the lines quick, which is a good way to start it out. And remember, you don't have to take my advice. If you like it the way it is, then keep it.

Quote

Yes that line is said by the dog but I agree it might not be clear.
I think you can just put the dialogue at the end of the description of the dog. Then you don't need any more words to connect it.

Quote

The threatening pirates: I'm not a native but I thought that the classic pirates are threatening ones, since they are the only ones wanting the fight up to this point. The POTC figures are being threatened - so they are the threatened pirates. I might be wrong :S
You're right. Now that I think about it more, the PoTC pirates are being threatened by the classic pirates. It just wasn't clear to me at first. Maybe just choose a different word than threatening. But again, you don't have to. If you like it, keep it. I'm only one reader and others may not have any problems with it.

Quote

As for the ropes part, as blackpyre already said I presume you too didn't see the fourth movie yet. Else I think it'd be clear, that ropes can be controled by Blackbeards sword and the continuation of what he says makes it even clearer. But I'll try to change it for those who haven't watched the movie ...
Yeah, I haven't seen the 4th movie yet. If you can find room to clarify, I'd suggest to do so. Even just including Blackbeard in there somewhere will give a good indication of what is going on, for those who haven't seen the movie.

Quote

Thanks for advice!
You are very welcome! I'm glad you found my comments useful. :-)

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#19 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 08:37 PM

MstrofPppts

The line about the dog talking to the pirates can be made more clear by changing this sentence:

The dog watered the flowers in front of him then addressed the crowd staring at him:

That way it would leave no doubt as to who says that line.

As for the ropes, I agree that if you saw the 4th movie you would definitely get it. However, sometimes you have to cater to your audience (especially in a voting contest) and so I would agree with the previous posts that it could use come clarification. Again, just make sure you don't compromise the story. You could for example, state that the ropes belonged to the QAR. And since it is clear that Blackbeard is the captain, it would be assumed to the reader that he's performing some sort of magic on them.

I'll be here if you need any help. Good luck!

#20 JulieBlue

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Posted 27 June 2011 - 05:37 AM

I totally understand how difficult it can be to write a story in your second language, so I'm really taking that into account here. I agree with bricksfun that you did a good effort for a non native speaker. In fact, my overall problem with the story is the direction in which you take it. Having a dog come out of nowhere to water plants and end a conflict seems way too wacky for me. Also, having Jack say almost nothing in this story but 'puppy' doesn't sit right with me either. It seems kind of forced.

At the very least I would try to bring a more sensible resolution to your story that isn't so out there. I mean you mind as well have told me that 'at the end, godzilla comes in and kicks everyone out of the toybox'. I think that you can write a more clever ending, based on the insightful criticism you've been giving to others on their stories.

Sorry if I come off a little obnoxious, I just think that it needs work for it to compete against some of the other stories. But hey, then again, what do I know, take it or leave it, your my underdog and I'm rooting for you mate!

jb

#21 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 27 June 2011 - 01:08 PM

Hey JulieBlue, I don't know how much you are into the AFOL stuff, but I can see that you're new to the forum. The Fabuland dog is meant to represent an elder for being the oldest from the mentioned sets. Also I thought it was a nice reference to admins here around beeing quite keen on the Fabuland theme. I wanted to put in the walrus figure, but sadly don't have one. Also a dog watering plants in the middle of the fight sounded funny to me. The dog didn't come from nowhere, but he came from the pile of moving bricks. That's what LEGO figs do when you don't play with them - walk around and water the plants. Unless they have some new guys to fight with ... if you believe :)

As for the Jack - I really didn't want him to be the star of my story. He just hides as he would whenever it comes to a fight which does not concern him directly. On a second thought I might also skip that line ...

Obnoxious? Not at all. Every comment or critic is welcome. Also it can lead to a longer debate. The ending has already been changed (read the one in the spoilers - my first draft) and you'll see how it was first meant to be. For now, I'm quite sattisfied with this version, of course it's not final. I'm preparing my third version, which will mainly include minor corrections and some enrichment in the words used (have to use some synonyms dictionary to make it less obvious english isn't my main language :D). However I might still change it if I get a better idea, but from previous comments I think people liked it. So any more suggestions?

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#22 JulieBlue

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 03:58 AM

Yeah I'm glad you didn't take it that way, theyre just suggestions. And also thanks for clearing up the fabuland dog, I wasn't aware of it. If you are happy with it, then its all that matters! Can't wait to read the next version!

jb

#23 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 04:27 AM

The fabuland dog, for me, adds a sense of the childhood fondness that I had in LEGO many years ago and now again as an adult, hence the AFOL thing. For me, it works very well, similar to one of the other entries posted where a child sleeps while his LEGO come alive by the night. What I appreciate in this contest level of creativity we have seen and the dynamic style with which people have presented their stories. For me, the aforementioned is a positive about the entry.

As for the question of removing Jack, I do see now that Jack isn't all that involved in this story, so there is room for variation there if you need to add something or remove more words. I think for the most part, if you chose to leave him out, it wouldn't hurt the story for me. I look forward to reading your next draft and hope its even better than this one. Just keep an eye out for grammar, as I reread the contest rules today and saw that you might in fact lose points for grammar, so be sure to not leave any points on the table because of something that you could correct in two seconds. Copy and paste your story to a word processing program like Microsoft Word, which may pick up errors in sentence structures as well as spell check. And of course, I will be reading your story as well to lend a hand as you have done in mine!

#24 Zilcho

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 10:54 PM

I like this story a lot because it is a lot different to most of the other stories. Whereas the other stories mostly include deceptions by Jack and boat battles, yours is... different, in a good way. I like the way you have related the story to real life in the sense of the PotC characters being put into a draw with random bricks. This design also makes me think of Toy Story, which was a good movie trilogy.  I also like the unity displayed at the end of the story between the PotC and the classic pirates. Although the Fabuland dog is out of place I think it adds a lot to the story.

As for the grammatical construction of the story I think there is a lot of speech which isn't too bad as there is no need for a description of a pile of bricks. However, I feel you could have shortened the speech just a bit to make room for a bit more narrative to allow the story to flow easier. I also saw that you mentioned yourself as a non-native English speaker and this story, to me, is very well written considering it is not in your main language.

This is a very different story which definitely stands out from everyone else's stories!




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