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Jack Sparrow Can't Escape the Classics


27 replies to this topic  – Started by blackpyre , Jun 14 2011 03:24 AM

#1 blackpyre

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 03:24 AM

Here's my contest entry.  I finally decided on version 2.

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Jack Sparrow Can’t Escape the Classics
By William Reed

Jack Sparrow was flung into the center of the cell, landing on his back.  The dark bluish gray studs scraped his backside.  He propped himself up in time to see the bar doors slam shut.  A throaty laugh issued from a silhouetted figure standing in one corner of the poorly lit cell.

“So, the Imperials found themselves a sea rat,” remarked the shadow.

Jack shook his hair out of his face.  In a slurred voice he said, “I’ll have you know mate, I resemble that remark.”

The shadow chortled louder.  Stepping from the dark recesses, the man revealed himself.  A large bicorne hat with skull and crossbones sat upon the man’s head.  He wore a patch over one eye and his beard was the color of blood. His left hand was nothing more than a wickedly sharp hook.  The rough cadence of his walk betrayed his wooden peg leg.

Putting his face next to Jack’s, the man grinned.  “Why, I do believe you’re right.”  His fowl warm breath crawled across Jack’s skin.

Jack briefly considered changing his expression to his scared face.

Opening his mouth, the cliché pirate barked with more laughter.  “The name’s Captain Red Beard.”

“Your pleasure I’m sure.  And it looks as though they closed the cage on you before you were completely in.”  Jack smirked as he hopped to his feet.  “But let it never be said that Captain Jack Sparrow would not help the disabled.”

Red Beard shook his head.  “No need my boy.”  With his hook he pointed behind Jack.

Spinning around, Jack found himself face to face with a void.  Where a wall should be was empty space.

From behind, Red Beard commented, “Great pirate hunters these Imperial dogs may be.  But they make awful prisons.”

“It’s probably for playability,” Jack muttered.

Word Count: 299

Edited by blackpyre, 07 July 2011 - 06:10 PM.

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#2 Tazmaniac

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:23 AM

Well done !
Word count didn't stop you from writting a funny, descriptive and entertaining story...look people it can be done.
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#3 blackpyre

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:44 AM

View PostTazManiac, on 14 June 2011 - 04:23 AM, said:

Well done !
Word count didn't stop you from writting a funny, descriptive and entertaining story...look people it can be done.
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Hey thanks,

I used to enter contests on a writing site.  The contests I entered there made you write a story in 100 words without repeating a word.  Now that really hurt the head.

Also, I have to give credit to my wife for the excellent editing help.  She also wrote an entry for this contest.  

Thanks again for the well wishes!

Will

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#4 Admiral Croissant

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 10:53 AM

Yeah very good one. Funny with those things like "dark bluish grey studs" and "considered using his scared face" :pir_laugh2:
I also think that somehow the story invites to be read with all those empty spaces between the sentences (if you get what I mean. It looks more digestable).
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#5 akunthita

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 03:31 PM

Great story! Love it! The LEGO references are especially fun!  :pir_laugh2:
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#6 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 04:56 PM

Here, I'd only change the ending. Only the last sentence in particular - the playability thing just doesn't make it into the story for my taste. I understand it and think it's a bit funny, but since it's the only thing it has to do with the real life - well I can't describe it, maybe it's just the way I feel at the moment.

Else it's a nice story and a great idea with all the references to LEGO sets.

P.S. I definitely miss the picture in this one, because I can clearly imagine a prison cell with no back wall and jack and Red Beard sitting in it ...

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 14 June 2011 - 05:55 PM.

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#7 CrazyPirate

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 07:06 PM

Funny story! :pir-laugh: I like smashups between Classics and newer things. :thumbup:
The world would be nothing without creativity..

#8 blackpyre

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 10:03 PM

Thanks for all the comments.

I don't know what happened to the picture I put up.  I'm guessing it has something to do with BrickShelf reviewing it.

Oh, and the spaces between paragraphs was a technique I learned to employ when writing for the web.  It's used for the reasons you stated.

And I know what you mean by the last line.  I originally did not have it, but decided to make the joke a bit more obvious.  I tested the ending out on others and I got more people understanding it with the ending than without.

I personally feel it is extraneous but it seems to serve a purpose.  Not sure if I'll leave it in or not at this point.

Will

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#9 lightningtiger

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 10:19 PM

Now that story put a smile on my face, great piece of storytelling there 'blackpyre' and keep on writing ! :pir-grin:

#10 Duke

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 11:10 PM

Funny, engaging and well written.  Can't ask for much more from 300 words!
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#11 legolooney

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Posted 14 June 2011 - 11:22 PM

Outstanding. Well written with powerful imagery and still a sharp witty ending! Bravo

#12 Dan the Brickman

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 01:25 AM

View Postblackpyre, on 14 June 2011 - 03:24 AM, said:

“It’s probably for playability,” Jack muttered.
:pir_laugh2:

Can someone make a "Like" button for this page?

This story really made my day. Alot of good humor that could only be found in a Lego based story.

:thumbup:

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#13 CaptainBermuda

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 01:31 AM

"it's probably for playability" that's too funny.
"Men, we led those dumb bugs out to the middle of nowhere to keep 'em from gettin' their filthy claws on Earth... but we stumbled onto somethin' they're so hot for, that they're scramblin' over each other to get it! Well, I don't care if it's God's own personal anti-S.O.B. machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it! What we WILL let 'em have is a belly full of lead, and a pool of their own blood to drown in! Am... I... RIGHT, Marines?!" - Sergeant Johnson
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#14 blackpyre

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Posted 15 June 2011 - 08:03 AM

Thanks for the feedback.  In stories like this I really appreciate the opinion on questionable lines.  There's little room for non-essential elements so I like to know if something works.

I try not to second guess myself on these types of points but it's hard since I know I can't please everyone.  But I can really try to come close. :)

Will

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#15 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 16 June 2011 - 04:27 AM

Hello

This deserves to get bumped to the top. This is an example of what you can do with two characters, a concise story and strong narrative to back it all up. The description of Redbeard is splendid; it makes me wish there were more words allowed so I could read more of it. The picture is also a nice touch, and it goes very well with the story. Overall, the best make the most out of the least; you did exactly that.

If you want to to make it an absolute knockout, I would try to amp up the comedy in Jack's dialogue. It is already funny; but one, just one, milk-through-the-nose line of laughter will make it unbeatable.  

I honestly can't say much else in terms of criticism, I believe the 'playability' joke in the end is perfect, and adds the dimension of the two as toys in the LEGO world.

Awesome Job

#16 blackpyre

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 08:05 AM

Thanks Bricks4Fun,

You should have seen my early versions.  I spared myself the embarasement by not posting them up, but my first version had me at 500 words and I hadn't even thrown Jack in prison.

This is what I ended up with after a hundred slashes with my LEGO cutlace.

I agree about that little extra umph in Jack's words.  I still haven't captured that facial lactation moment (wait, can I say facial lactation on this board?  Anyways) with something Jack says.  I have a good idea where it should go, I just haven't figured out how to make it sound right.

Guess I'll need to spend some time braiding my hair and using words like "parley" to get into character.  Wonder if my family will notice?

Will

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#17 SilvaShado

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 01:11 AM

View Postblackpyre, on 20 June 2011 - 08:05 AM, said:

I agree about that little extra umph in Jack's words. I still haven't captured that facial lactation moment (wait, can I say facial lactation on this board? Anyways) with something Jack says. I have a good idea where it should go, I just haven't figured out how to make it sound right.

Guess I'll need to spend some time braiding my hair and using words like "parley" to get into character. Wonder if my family will notice?

Will

And what hair would you have to braid, hmm? Even if you could braid it, I think I'd notice.

Anyway, I have problems with Jack's dialogue too. Try distorting how he says things by misspelling words. Give him an accent. If we owned the movies, I'd just say we watch them again, but short of that, try searching youtube for scenes from the movies. I just thought of that... so now I'm off to do that myself!

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#18 blackpyre

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 01:59 AM

Okay, I made some dialogue changes to Jack.  This definitely sounds more like Jack to me.

And the hair I braided was me nose hairs.  And you seem not to have noticed Silva, if that's your real name.  Which I know it's not. :P

Anyways, hope you all enjoy the changes.

Will

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My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#19 MstrOfPppts

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 08:05 AM

Hey, still a nice story apperantly it didn't change much content vise but more like some details were changed. It's hard to tell what exactly, since I did not copy previous versions nor can I remember it. As before I like the story but there are two minor changes I noticed and must say that I'm not to fond of! First is this one:

“I’ll have you know mate, I resemble that remark.” followed by “Why, I do believe you’re right.” in reply, does not make much sense to me. I prefered the lines before (if I remember corectly) how Jack mentioned that the rats always survive or die last. It's a better response to Redbeard calling Jack a rat and makes the continuation of the dialogue more fluent.

The second thing is this line: “But let it never be said that Captain Jack Sparrow would not help the disabled.” Although it is funny how he calls the peg legged pirate disabled, but I must say I prefered the line where Jack said that no prison held him for long (again if I'm not mistaken). Also this two lines could be combined into something like: Jack will gladly help a disabled person for no prison ever held him for long ... but of course that hurts the word count.

Also another thing came to my attention. You're mentioning that the cell was pretty dark, but then in the end we find out there's a whole wall missing. Shouldn't there be enough light coming in from the hole? Maybe it's all happening at night but it's not mentioned. But, this really is a picky one!

That's about it from me. Still a great entry and of course feel free to ignore my comments.

Oh and btw I changed my mind about the playability line. It's a nice reference and a good joke. Every story needs rereading and apparently I was just in a different mood last time :S

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 23 June 2011 - 08:08 AM.

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#20 blackpyre

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 08:18 PM

Hmm,  

Everything you mentioned was everything I changed.  

The part where Jack says he sesembels that remark and Red Beard agreeing with him seems to flow for me.  In fact, I thought Red Beard had more reason to laugh seeing as Jack agreed with him.

But I'm going to look at the story again.  Maybe I'll go back to the original and find a way to fit in night.  Since the open back wall should of let plenty of light in as you mentioned.

Thanks for the feedback.

Will

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My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#21 blackpyre

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 08:52 PM

Okay, I put up all the versions I have.  I'll take down all but one before the contest ends so I don't disqualify myself.  This is just for reference.

The latest version restores origninal dialogue, but adds where the light source is.  This makes more sence as to how the light works in the scene.  Once pointed out to me, it bothered me so I changed it.  I was forced to condense Red Beard into Redbeard to make the words fit, but I don't think that hurts the story since I've seen it writen both ways.

Any thoughts?

Will

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#22 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 24 June 2011 - 06:20 AM

Hi Will

I think you did an excellent job of making Jack sound more like himself. The added bit of comedy in the second draft "I resemble that remark" is spot on and I agree that it flows well with Redbeard's response. I personally didn't take issue with the light source, but I suppose I can understand the need for changing it. My personal favorite is the second draft; it fulfills the need for added comedy and it solidifies the interaction between the two characters.

I can't say enough about the perfect simplicity of this entry: organized, quick and funny to boot. Save for the dialogue modifications you made, I would almost be afraid to tweak this too much.

Everything is in place. If you come up with any other slick lines for Jack in the next few days I would add them in as best you can. I think that its going to be a tough field, so every little bit helps.

Good Luck!

#23 SilvaShado

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Posted 24 June 2011 - 02:02 PM

I agree with Brick4Fun that I like the second version the best. I like the "I resembled that remark" line. I also didn't have a problem with the light source.

Still, if you go with the third version, I do think it is solid. I just prefer the second version for the humor.

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#24 blackpyre

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 10:26 PM

Thanks guys,

I know that the dialogue is what I like the best about the second version but the third version seems more complete.

I know my decision will probably come down between those two as my final choice.

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#25 Swiss Army Droid

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Posted 29 June 2011 - 03:01 AM

Overall this is a pretty solid entry. You have some great dialogue and you are very descriptive. The story is centered around one main joke, which is pretty much all you can do with 300 words. I have been having trouble writing a 300 word story because I feel like I have to cram every Classic Pirate joke into one single story. This is a great entry despite it's brevity. I really wish we were allowed to write longer stories. Oh Well, good luck with the judges.



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