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#26 Lord-Koji

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 12:29 AM

DP, sorry.

Was that the final chapter?  Well, it was good.  It fully wrapped things up, and brought Erax back (sorry again about the Decade project).  It was a nice conclusion, especially if Erax joins them.  I think he'll be able to provide some nice story to it, with his addition.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#27 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:06 AM

Yeah...that was....I ran out of ideas so now I'm doing the third epic....like I said before, this epic will be the shortest one out of all of my writings....;)

whew...I'm tired already....lol....:) but I personally think that this was another great series and I can't wait to finish it....and then I don't know what I'll do next....I might not be writing for a while....other than short stories...

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#28 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 10:59 AM

Finale: A Final Wish

Review here! (Can't you believe it's already the final epic, already? lol!)

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#29 Lord-Koji

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 09:36 PM

A good start to it.  However, one concern I've always had was the continual allusions and parallels to Tsubasa.  The Vahi scene could have been executed better, to draw away from it (it is a good idea, I see why you used it).  Like I said, changing it from the Tsubasa version may have been a better choice, but then again, Mata Nui isn't portrayed by you as a cold character, that he and Skralla love each other, and in that respect, it works.


Quote

That doesn’t matter who I am…if you do this…your daughter will be in a separate timeline from here. Both you and Mata Nui will be trapped inside of this mask…unable to do nothing but wait…just like my friends…but do you still wish to proceed?

Double negative.

The Ignika turning silver is interesting, but, I'm not seeing how it'll work.  It only works on the Mata Nui robot, and I don't remember if you're using that, or only Spherus Magna.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#30 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 09:37 PM

lol! I\'ll fix that. I guess this is what happens when I get to hyper about the ending of the story, I kinda get a little bit carried away!

to answer about the Ignika silver failsafe....
Spoiler

Edited by Toa Syaoran, 22 October 2009 - 09:39 PM.

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#31 Lord-Koji

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 09:40 PM

Ok, fair enough answer to the Ignika for me.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#32 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 09:51 PM

Okay, I fixed that error....lol!

But the only thing is, I hope I don't get way too far between Bionicle and Tsubasa...since Tsubasa is an entirely different story... :tongue:

YESSS!!! 400th post!

Edited by Toa Syaoran, 22 October 2009 - 09:52 PM.

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#33 Brickthing

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 05:18 AM

I've merged this review topic with the review topic for your previous epic. It's fine to have a review topic for your story to keep the story topic uncluttered, but you don't really need a topic for every story as it makes unnecessary extra topics, especially seeing as you've finished the first one.  :classic:

#34 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 24 October 2009 - 03:09 PM

Thanks 3D.

I probably should have thought about that. I was just basing off the rules on BZP for epics, but then again this is EB, it's a entirely different place. :classic:

Again, thanks! :classic:

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#35 Lord-Koji

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 11:15 PM

Ah, a nice view of past events.  I like the fact that you portrayed it as a different viewpoint than last time, it made the past events more interesting to read about.  The main storyline had less parts, but that seemed to work well for this chapter.  Now to wait and see what they do at the temple.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#36 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 10:48 AM

I had to fill in the gaps of the history. When I looked back at the "Rising Darkness" epic, I realized that there were MAJOR gaps to fill in. That's what bothers me sometimes, so I managed to fix a few scenes. ;)

Spoiler

Edit:
Spoiler

Edited by Toa Syaoran, 26 October 2009 - 10:54 AM.

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#37 Lord-Koji

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 01:40 AM

I like the fact that we got some more Erax information.  I'm interested in seeing where you're going with him, since the Decade project was canceled.  Anyway, again, a nice fleshing out of the past events that we know from a few epics ago, and, some nice new information.  The Sakari/Sakura stuff is progressing at a nice flow, in my opinion.  I'm still waiting to see what'll befall Belraix (sp).
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#38 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 02:11 AM

View PostLord-Koji, on Oct 26 2009, 09:40 PM, said:

I like the fact that we got some more Erax information.  I'm interested in seeing where you're going with him, since the Decade project was canceled.  Anyway, again, a nice fleshing out of the past events that we know from a few epics ago, and, some nice new information.  The Sakari/Sakura stuff is progressing at a nice flow, in my opinion.  I'm still waiting to see what'll befall Belraix (sp).

Be careful... :tongue:  don't spoil the surprise!! lol! :laugh:

Just wait until the final battle comes...many things will change... :wink:

And wait till you see chapter 3,
Spoiler
will appear.

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#39 Lord-Koji

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 05:54 AM

Once more, I find the romance between Mata Nui and Skralla to be very strange, almost forced at times.  I pushed past it earlier whenever it became rougher and more cliched, but this was once more noticeable.  I personally hate writing romance, so I wouldn't do much better, but it feels forced, or just too easily come by for them.

The actual current storyline continues to progress nicely.  Affairs are still in order with your characters, everything seems flowing smoothly, and now the Tsubasa lot has joined the cast.

The introduction and manner in which you portrayed the Tsubasa characters is fine.  I didn't see any problems, or anything with it.  I quite enjoyed reading it, it sounded like actual dialogue, except when they were unnamed, it would have been nice to know which was which, like at least describing which of the three was wearing what, so we would know which was Fay, which was Kurogane, mainly.

And something that just bugged me.  Tarix saying "totally" sounds odd to me.  Just something I wanted to point out as sounding a bit forced, or out of character.  The word doesn't seem to fit his vocabulary, as far as I'm used to, anyway.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#40 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 04:07 PM

I understand, but remember what happened in "TRD?" It was she who brought happiness to MN which is how she manage to win his love. And remember, they have to be together in order for Sakari to "exist" which is kinda like in that one movie called "Back to the Future". (I kinda based "TFT" and "AFW" on that story for the "back in time" scenes.) I guess when you actually think about it, that scene does sound a bit cluttered and forced.... :sad:

I tried to make the Tsubasa parts just like what they would behave in the actual story which was also NOT an easy task even though it seemed like it. The reason why I didn't introduced their names at first was that I wanted to make them look mysterious at first before they meet Sakari and co.

Oh, and where did you find when Tarix said that? Perhaps I could edit that...(I guess this is what happens when you rush the story too much....chances are that it creates a downslide....*sigh* :sad: which I hope that it doesn't, at least not when I read/check the future chapters. Trust me, by the time they return to present, there will be some fighting coming...especially in the future war...)

I know that Mata Nui's personality in the main story is more "cold" in a way, but I always believed that even people like him have "something warm" inside...

For spoilers, by the end of chapter 6,
Spoiler
and by chapter 7
Spoiler

EDIT: Nevermind, I fixed it!

Edited by Toa Syaoran, 01 November 2009 - 04:16 PM.

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#41 Lord-Koji

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 05:52 PM

Well, what I mean for the Tsubasa parts are to at least describe the features of who's speaking, or something, not necessarily give their names.  Just give a description of their form, so we know who's speaking, assuming you know Tsubasa.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#42 Lord-Koji

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 01:57 AM

I think your Tsubasa dialogue was pretty much spot on with the characters.  You did well with them.

Anyway, things continue to progress, showing us two time periods within the same period.  The dual stories like that are playing out nicely, and the new information from the old epic is still good to read, it still fills in blanks pretty well.

There's just one thing I noticed today and the other day.  The use of the word "boyfriend" seems out of place, especially with Garaxial saying it.  I don't know if you could find a better word, but it seems out of place, personally.

And I really think you should have given Erax the Decade powers, as I'll call them.  I think that would have made him much more powerful, and a possibly more interesting character, not to say Erax isn't a good character.  I think the dropped powers would have flowed well with him.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#43 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 02:40 AM

View PostLord-Koji, on Nov 2 2009, 08:57 PM, said:

I think your Tsubasa dialogue was pretty much spot on with the characters.  You did well with them.

Anyway, things continue to progress, showing us two time periods within the same period.  The dual stories like that are playing out nicely, and the new information from the old epic is still good to read, it still fills in blanks pretty well.

There's just one thing I noticed today and the other day.  The use of the word "boyfriend" seems out of place, especially with Garaxial saying it.  I don't know if you could find a better word, but it seems out of place, personally.

And I really think you should have given Erax the Decade powers, as I'll call them.  I think that would have made him much more powerful, and a possibly more interesting character, not to say Erax isn't a good character.  I think the dropped powers would have flowed well with him.

Yeah, those guys are easier now to use after learning how they interact.

lol, I should have erased that, but I was in a hurry at the time when I was writing. Probably wasn't a good idea to rush at all, then again, EB is considered a "rough draft" while BZP is considered "final copy".

Maybe I should have kept him, but he still has his weapons.
Spoiler
Then again, it would have made the job a lot easier, although, wouldn't that consider him, "immortal"?

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#44 Lord-Koji

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 04:07 AM

I don't see how the powers would make him immortal, they would just chang his form and powers, it's not like he would have one life for each form.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#45 Lord-Koji

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 10:45 PM

DP.

Anyway, the key thing was interesting to see.  Again, the Tsubasa characters all look written correctly.  One thing I missed, however, when did Agarax join them?  Or did you possibly mean Garaxial?
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#46 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 11:05 PM

Agarax has been with Sakari and Co!  :tongue: He was sent by Mata Nui and Skralla to go with Belirax to help Sakari. If you're thinking of Surel, he left the team.

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#47 Lord-Koji

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Posted 03 November 2009 - 11:08 PM

Really?  I actually don't remember Agarax in their party.  Must be my mistake, then.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#48 Lord-Koji

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 09:13 PM

Ah, more exposition, and now, an army is being raised.    That's enough to satisfy me for a chapter.  I can't wait for this final battle that's coming.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert

#49 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 09:29 PM

Yeah, I knew you would like it! So I brought back the old characters! :) :classic: :classic: I figured that it was the best time to add them in.

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#50 Lord-Koji

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 11:13 PM

More exposition leading to the final battle.  No problem with that.  The sphere given to Ackar is interesting.  I was thinking it would destroy Averax in the process as well, but, I guess not.  Powerful tool, possible deus ex machina, but, we'll see how it goes.
"The end justifies the means."
~Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli

"l'Homme n'est Rien l'Oeuvre Tout"
~Gustave Flaubert




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