Jump to content


Cause and Effect


  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 The Iron Knight

The Iron Knight

    Posts: 98
    Joined: 26-June 09
    Member: 6501
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 04:47 AM

Cause and Effect
by Iro (The Iron Knight)

The Northern Frost

Certavus ducked as his enemy's sword sliced through where his head was a second ago. The fire tribe was trying to capture the strange silvery liquid that would change or destroy whatever touched it, something that happened multiple times in the past. They never held onto it for very long; the ice army wouldn't allow it. He, Surel, and Gelu had decided to scout for fire troops. After only an hour, they ran into three of the fire tribe warriors, and a fight ensued. To Certavus' left, Surel was battling it out with a young, but skilled, warrior named Malum. To his right, Gelu was parrying Perditus' blows with his Slicer. Certavus pressed on as the leader of the infiltry backed up a bit. The Ice Tribe fighter jumped back, dodging another blow, and charged forward, and responded with a vicious blow from his sword, stunning the warrior.
An axe flew across the battlefield, striking Perditus in the shoulder, and damaging his armor. Glancing in the direction from where the weapon came from, Surel saw another Ice Tribe fighter, the infamous Strakk. Now with an advantage, the four warriors managed to drive their enemies away, the leader falling before Surel's mace.
"Not bad," Gelu muttered.
"No," Surel responded, "not bad at all...."
Strakk went over to the dead infiltry leader. He checked the corpse thourghly, and when he finished, he simply shrugged, saying, "These fire types never have anything good on them. Makes me wonder why I bothered with this whole war ordeal."
Certavus chimed in, "You know you would have the Element Lord to deal with if you refused. He never takes 'no' for an answer."
"Yeah.... Right. Anyway, I have business in Iconox, so don't expect me to come and save your hides again."
"What business?" Surel inquired.
"An Agori, Metus, owes me a cache of arms for a... favor I did for him."
Gelu laughed, "We know you, Strakk. You don't do favors."
Strakk frowned. "Looks like I did you one a few minutes ago."
Certavus interrupted. "They'll be back. With greater numbers, too. Be prepared. Gelu, get some more warriors to keep watch, and Surel-"
"I have business to attend to, as well," Surel said. "I need to meet with an old 'friend'. Don't worry; I'll be back in time. I wouldn't miss this for... all those energies we're fighting for," he joked.


Jungle Tribe Outpost in Bara Magna Region

Vastus looked upon his ranks. They were all tall, lean, green-armored fighters, each quick as a serpent. He smiled. These were his brothers in arms, and he would lead them to victory. As one of the Jungle Lord's field commanders, Vastus made sure that all of his men were in tip-top condition, and considering that this was war, they needed to be. A warrior approached him, saying, "We're ready. Most ice warriors have temporarily departed. We can take the Northern Frost during the night, and we'll have the spring by dawn."
"Excellent. Prepare the troops; we attack soon."
"Yes, sir. I'll alert them." With a salute, the warrior departed.

Fire Tribe Outpost in Bara Magna Region


Perditus glanced at his damaged armor. He was hurt, although not badly. Malum already was sparring with another warrior, getting ready for their next attack. The patrol leader, however, had been killed by one of the opposing warriors. The Agori Crotesius appeared. "Hey, what happened with the patrol leader?" he asked.
"Dead," was the response. "Got hit by a mace to the chest. Guess his heart couldn't take the impact."
"Oh." After a moment or two, he continued. "Well, I think you'll want to look at this," Crotesius gestured toward a tan-colored vehicle. Mounted on each side were twin cannons, and attached to the cockpit was a scope. "Thornatus," he said. "V9, to be specific. This cost us quite a bit, and we never got any use from it."
"Let me guess, you want me to put it to good use. Right?"
"Long as you don't trash it, yeah," Crostesius replied.
Perditus looked at the vehicle, then at Crotesius, then back at the vehicle once more. He chuckled, "All right. I'm in."

Bara Magna Region, near Northern Frost

Vastus led his men to the post just outside of the Northern Frost. They were ready to face anything, from ice warriors to the Element Lord of Ice himself, or so they thought. What they couldn't predict was that a band of riders was watching them from the shadows.
One of the younger riders, Fero, looked at the group of warriors racing through the night. He didn't know why this band of thieves bothered to attack fighters such as these, but rumor said that those who questioned the raiders' motives would not live to regret it. The six riders were all mounted on raptor-like animals, each with a tail tipped with a stinger, razor-sharp teeth, and a keen sense of smell. The leader of the group raised his blade, and the animals charged.
Vastus heard a cry from behind. He turned around to see black armored riders on reptillian animals tearing through the ranks of his men. Taken by surprise, the warriors didn't stand a chance. Vastus' heart told him to stand and fight, to die here like an honorable warrior, but his mind told him to flee, to survive, to live to see another day. His mind won the arguement, and the jungle tribe fighter turned away from his group, and fled to a safe spot.
Fero turned to one of his partners, and asked, "That one is escaping. Should I go after him?"
"No," came the reply. "Let him live. Let him feel guilt at the sound of his partner's screams. Let him be the one who tells the tale of his own fear, and how the Bone Hunters defeated even the mightiest of warriors."

Fortress of the Great Beings


Surel walked up to the giant fortress. He'd been here once before, at the war's beginning. The true rulers of Bara Magna, the Great Beings, had given him one of their creations, the Iron Wolves, to train, but Surel had never felt the need to unleash them upon the ice tribe's enemies. That was about to change.
"State your business," a voice boomed from the fortress.
"It's Surel. I'm here to pick up my wolves," the warrior said.
"You have a use for them?"
"This war needs to end. Maybe these animals will teach the other tribes to back off."
There was a long pause before the voice responded. "You are right. This war does need to end. We have tried to resolve this dispute peacefully, but perhaps your suggestion of violence is a solution we have not taken into account." After another pause, the voice spoke again. "Farewell, Surel."
Surel felt dizzy as the world around him became blurry and a sensation like none he had felt before came over him. The next moment, he was in the Northern Frost, surrounded by at least two hundred Iron Wolves. He began marching towards his post, Iron Wolves behind him.
Certavus saw Surel coming toward him... followed by a great number of half-mechanical wolves. "What is this?" he asked.
"A solution."
Certavus glanced at one of the wolves. It growled at the stranger, until Surel calmed it. After a few moments Certavus said, "I almost feel sorry for those who have come to attack us."

Northern Frost


Ackar and his crew marched up toward the Northern Frost. They were going to attack early since the other tribes were counting on one of the others to attack and weaken the Ice Tribe. Malum and about four dozen other warriors were behind him, all ready to take on any opponent. Perditus approached him. "I need to go back."
"Why?" asked Ackar.
"I need to pick something up. It'll give us quite an advantage."
Ackar thought about it for a second. Perditus was no coward; he would never turn his back on a fight. "Fine. But be quick."
Peridtus nodded and ran back.
After a few hours of marching, one of the warriors cried out, claiming he had seen an ice tribe warrior up ahead. When the troop reached the spot, no one was there. A sweep around the area confirmed Ackar's doubts. This warrior was just excited, maybe a little bit too much.

"The fire tribe is coming!" A scout ran up towards the warriors, reporting that he had seen the red-armored warriors approaching the spring.
Gelu, Surel, Certavus, and many others readied their weapons, and waited until they saw the first spot of crimson to appear. Two warriors went down immediately, but by what cause was unknown. Surel checked on one of the fallen, and picked up a silver sphere. He showed it to one of the warriors, "Does this mean anything to you?"
"No," the fighter said. "I've never seen anythi-"
Both he and Surel fell, as a tan-colored vehicle piloted by a fire tribe warrior appeared. The fire army was right behind, and a massive battle erupted. Certavus was fighting two warriors at once, and Gelu battled it out with Malum. Elsewhere, three ice tribe fighters ambushed twice as many fire warriors, and they went down.
Perditus steered his craft around, not seeing the fallen Surel on the ground. The Thornatus sped over Surel's leg, producing a crunching sound. He fired four shots at the same number of ice warriors. Two were knocked out; the other two were caught on the Thornatus' blades.
Surel tried to limp away from the fight, but his leg was too damaged to allow such an act. He fell to the floor face-first. He turned over and tried to let out a howl. That was enough for the Iron Wolves. They ran into the fight, the pack leaders taking down five opposing fighters. One wolf tackled Ackar, though a blast of flame from his weapon knocked it off. Two wolves stayed back, however, and dragged their injured master away from the battle.
Two Fire Agori ran out of the battle, towards the spring. They were instructed to tap into the substance and put some in a vial. When they reached the spring, one made the fatal mistake of trying to touch the substance, and consequently disintegrated. The other shuddered, and started to work.

An Iconox Inn

"What do you mean you don't have the cache?!" Strakk grabbed a chair and hurled it above Metus' head. "You owe me a debt, and now you can't pay it?" Strakk grabbed his axe, and stalked toward Metus. "How unfortuna-"
The world suddenly felt different. Strakk ran outside to see what was going on. His jaw dropped. "What the..?"

Wall of Stars, facing Spherus Magna


The Great Beings' worries were becoming reality. Spherus Magna, the Great Sphere, was splitting apart. The silvery substance, known to the Great Beings as Energized Protodermis, had leaked into the planet's core. It was a sight to see, the giant planet split into three pieces. The sensation the inhabitants felt cannot be described in words. It was so unreal; no one could have forseen this, or have predicted this. A great number of Agori and soldiers were stranded on the largest portion, Bara Magna. The Great Beings sent a synthezoid named Mata Nui to complete a mission of some sort, but it has since crash-landed on the watery piece known as Aqua Magna. The residents of Bara Magna have since developed a social system, but all are struggling to just survive in this desert wasteland. And as for the Great Beings? No one knows what happened to them. It is unknown if they are alive or dead. And that is something the residents of Bara Magna care not to find out.

---

Yeah, it's not perfect, but then again, what is? It's rather short, but it's better than me dragging it out.
Gah, the paragraphs aren't indented. Blame the forums, not me. :-/

Word Count: 1,924 (excluding title and captions)

EDIT: I stupidly forgot to include this in the description:
This is not finalized, so keep that in mind when reviewing, please.

Edited by The Iron Knight, 01 August 2009 - 05:23 AM.


#2 Avohkahs' Sparks

Avohkahs' Sparks

    Posts: 326
    Joined: 14-January 09
    Member: 5000
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:08 AM

This is a good story, however, I feel not good enough. It seems like it is focusing on too many various battles that don't really tie together that well. I mean, the whole Jungle Tribe part seems like it was thrown in, and doesn't even affect the rest of the story. With Surel, I think you could change his personality a bit, and though original I think it is rather boring for Surel to get wound just by his leg accidently getting run over. It was a good idea to include how Perditus got his vehicle, though that scene needs a little work. I think you should focus on either one or two opposing groups in greater detail, and make the story between 500 and 1000 words longer.

#3 The Iron Knight

The Iron Knight

    Posts: 98
    Joined: 26-June 09
    Member: 6501
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:20 AM

Quote

I mean, the whole Jungle Tribe part seems like it was thrown in, and doesn't even affect the rest of the story.

Yeah, I figured that, but I felt that it explained Vastus' current personality well enough that I couldn't bring myself to take it out. I'm 90% sure that it'll be eliminated in the final version.

Quote

With Surel, I think you could change his personality a bit, and though original I think it is rather boring for Surel to get wound just by his leg accidently getting run over.

I didn't want it to be heart-wrenching, or anything. It was meant to be original, not uber-exciting.

Quote

It was a good idea to include how Perditus got his vehicle, though that scene needs a little work.

How so? I'm all for suggestions.

Quote

I think you should focus on either one or two opposing groups in greater detail, and make the story between 500 and 1000 words longer.

I am. (Jungle Tribe comment above) It's about the Fire and Ice tribes. And longer doesn't necessarily mean better. I'd rather have a short, fun read than a long, dragged-out, boring one.

Quote

It seems like it is focusing on too many various battles that don't really tie together that well.

Battles are a guilty pleasure. =P
I can understand the Jungle Tribe-Bone Hunter deal, but everything Fire-Ice Tribe is tied together. Fire loses, then attacks again. (Cheap plot needs more tune-up) Makes sense to me.

Edited by The Iron Knight, 01 August 2009 - 05:26 AM.


#4 Avohkahs' Sparks

Avohkahs' Sparks

    Posts: 326
    Joined: 14-January 09
    Member: 5000
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:28 AM

View PostThe Iron Knight, on Jul 31 2009, 10:20 PM, said:

Yeah, I figured that, but I felt that it explained Vastus' current personality well enough that I couldn't bring myself to take it out. I'm 90% sure that it'll be eliminated in the final version.



I didn't want it to be heart-wrenching, or anything. It was meant to be original, not uber-exciting.



How so? I'm all for suggestions.



I am. (Jungle Tribe comment above) It's about the Fire and Ice tribes. And longer doesn't necessarily mean better. I'd rather have a short, fun read than a long, dragged-out, boring one.



Battles are a guilty pleasure. =P
I can understand the Jungle Tribe-Bone Hunter deal, but everything Fire-Ice Tribe is tied together. Fire loses, then attacks again. Makes sense to me.



I just think it should be longer so you can add a little more detail. With the Perditus thing, he is completely focused on being the best at what he does, so you might want to just edit that in a little. With the battles, I think you should just make them smaller scale so that way they are easier for readers to focus on and you can describe the entire battle without it being overwhelming.

#5 The Iron Knight

The Iron Knight

    Posts: 98
    Joined: 26-June 09
    Member: 6501
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:33 AM

Quote

I just think it should be longer so you can add a little more detail.

Okay, that's understandable.

Quote

With the Perditus thing, he is completely focused on being the best at what he does, so you might want to just edit that in a little.

But that's on Bara Magna, when he's a pilot for a living. Here, he's just another fighter in a war filled with them.

Quote

With the battles, I think you should just make them smaller scale so that way they are easier for readers to focus on and you can describe the entire battle without it being overwhelming.

But here we have two armies, and there's stuff going on all around. It seems a bit dull if you stick to one fight when there's dozens of other fights going on at the same time. The only thing I'd change would be adding better endings and transitions to the fights.

Edited by The Iron Knight, 01 August 2009 - 05:36 AM.


#6 Avohkahs' Sparks

Avohkahs' Sparks

    Posts: 326
    Joined: 14-January 09
    Member: 5000
    Country: United States

Posted 01 August 2009 - 06:51 AM

View PostThe Iron Knight, on Jul 31 2009, 11:33 PM, said:

Okay, that's understandable.



But that's on Bara Magna, when he's a pilot for a living. Here, he's just another fighter in a war filled with them.



But here we have two armies, and there's stuff going on all around. It seems a bit dull if you stick to one fight when there's dozens of other fights going on at the same time. The only thing I'd change would be adding better endings and transitions to the fights.


I'm sure Perditus' personality hasn't changed that much. I'm just saying with the battle that every story seems to focus on a whole bunch of battles with one hundred people on each side. If you want to win you should make the battles more original.

#7 Zaktan of the Shadows

Zaktan of the Shadows

    Posts: 1591
    Joined: 11-January 07
    Member: 1232
    Country: Canada!!!

Posted 01 August 2009 - 08:00 PM

Pretty good story! Some of it felt out of place, and there were errors here and there, but it was pretty good! Good luck in the contest!

Which should have started today, BTW.

-ZotS


#8 Avohkahs' Sparks

Avohkahs' Sparks

    Posts: 326
    Joined: 14-January 09
    Member: 5000
    Country: United States

Posted 02 August 2009 - 02:37 AM

View PostZaktan of the Shadows, on Aug 1 2009, 02:00 PM, said:

Pretty good story! Some of it felt out of place, and there were errors here and there, but it was pretty good! Good luck in the contest!

Which should have started today, BTW.

-ZotS

I hope BZP is up soon.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users