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Princess Skralla


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#26 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 01:38 AM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 21 2009, 06:31 PM, said:

Try both...and I'll see what's best...


Okay, but since we already have a green Skrall, I would suggest blue.


P.S. Can you help me revise this paragraph? I need a reason for Regna to kill the Skakdi, and it has to involve Nalice, but I don't like the reason I already have.


"All of it. So much fire. So much death." Toa Nalice cradled herself as Toa Regna stroked her armor. When they reached the village that had sent them a distress call, they had found it completely in flames. All them Matoran were dead. Everyone had died, even the Rahi. Toa Nalice had been in a state of shock since. Toa Regna knew why she was like this. Nalice had dealings with the Skakdi in the passed. They had burned down her entire home village, just like this one. He couldn't bear to see her like this. He loved her, so her enemies must be destroyed. Even though she would never remember it, he kissed her on the forehead and moved out.

Edited by Avohkahs' Sparks, 22 February 2009 - 01:51 AM.


#27 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:01 PM

Okay...let see if this helps...

"All of it. So much fire. So much death."

Toa Nalice cradled herself as Toa Regna stroked her armor. When they reached the village that had sent them a distress call, they had found it completely in flames. Everyone, including the Matoran and Rahi, had died.

Toa Nalice was shocked to see this. Toa Regna knew why she was like this; Nalice had some dealings with the Skakdi in the past. She was to provide them some supplies in return for her village's freedom. But upon not giving the supplies in time, they had burned down her entire village, just like this one. He couldn't bear to see her like this because he loved her, so her enemies must be destroyed. Nalice would never forget that Regna kissed her on the forehead and departed.


....will this do??? Or should I edit more???

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#28 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:06 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 22 2009, 10:01 AM, said:

Okay...let see if this helps...

"All of it. So much fire. So much death."

Toa Nalice cradled herself as Toa Regna stroked her armor. When they reached the village that had sent them a distress call, they had found it completely in flames. Everyone, including the Matoran and Rahi, had died.

Toa Nalice was shocked to see this. Toa Regna knew why she was like this; Nalice had some dealings with the Skakdi in the past. She was to provide them some supplies in return for her village's freedom. But upon not giving the supplies in time, they had burned down her entire village, just like this one. He couldn't bear to see her like this because he loved her, so her enemies must be destroyed. Nalice would never forget that Regna kissed her on the forehead and departed.


....will this do??? Or should I edit more???


You're really good at this! You only edited a little bit, and it was so much better! Unfortunately, I already changed the story, and it won't fit in. If you want to read the new and improved version, it's right here. Sorry. :look:

#29 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:13 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 22 2009, 12:06 PM, said:

You're really good at this! You only edited a little bit, and it was so much better! Unfortunately, I already changed the story, and it won't fit in. If you want to read the new and improved version, it's right here. Sorry. :look:

What goes in is what comes out, it's all a matter of the heart.
----Platinum (English CCS)


That's okay....good job though on this new story!! A good way to make it epic w/  the Morbuzakh!!!

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#30 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:33 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 22 2009, 10:13 AM, said:


What goes in is what comes out, it's all a matter of the heart.
----Platinum (English CCS)


That's okay....good job though on this new story!! A good way to make it epic w/  the Morbuzakh!!!


Thanks. Do you have any suggestions of something I should add?


P.S. Can you tell me my word count?

#31 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:44 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 22 2009, 12:33 PM, said:

Thanks. Do you have any suggestions of something I should add?


P.S. Can you tell me my word count?

Here's one thing for sure....when you place a dialogue...make sure it's double spaced like mines....if you want...it's only a recommendation because it's much easier to read....If you look at some blogs such as Reign of Shadows, Toa Nuva Blog, etc... you see that their dialogue is evenly spread.

example: Princess Skralla Chapter 1

“But father, I really want an adventure. Just for once let me explore our kingdom and meet some other Skrall. I even want to ride on a Spitik,” said Skralla.

“I had enough of your complains, it is time for you to learn your place!” growled Tuma. He left the room and resumed his throne, waiting for his Skrall who was sent to capture Malum.

Skralla couldn’t believe her eyes, her father, once a loyal, loving Skrall now nothing but a fierce ruler that only cared for a complete rule of Bara Magna. Tears begin to flow from her eyes as she ran to her bed and wept, silently.

See how it's evenly spaced??? Here's some blogs...for more examples....

Reign of Shadows

Federation of Fear

And as for your word count: it is 996 words...(I used Microsoft Word 2007 which shows me the word count on the screen unlike 2003 where you have to find it...)

Otherwise...it's pretty good!!! KUTGW!!! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

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#32 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:49 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 22 2009, 11:44 AM, said:

Here's one thing for sure....when you place a dialogue...make sure it's double spaced like mines....if you want...it's only a recommendation because it's much easier to read....If you look at some blogs such as Reign of Shadows, Toa Nuva Blog, etc... you see that their dialogue is evenly spread.

example: Princess Skralla Chapter 1

“But father, I really want an adventure. Just for once let me explore our kingdom and meet some other Skrall. I even want to ride on a Spitik,” said Skralla.

“I had enough of your complains, it is time for you to learn your place!” growled Tuma. He left the room and resumed his throne, waiting for his Skrall who was sent to capture Malum.

Skralla couldn’t believe her eyes, her father, once a loyal, loving Skrall now nothing but a fierce ruler that only cared for a complete rule of Bara Magna. Tears begin to flow from her eyes as she ran to her bed and wept, silently.

See how it's evenly spaced??? Here's some blogs...for more examples....

Reign of Shadows

Federation of Fear

And as for your word count: it is 996 words...(I used Microsoft Word 2007 which shows me the word count on the screen unlike 2003 where you have to find it...)

Otherwise...it's pretty good!!! KUTGW!!! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


Thanks. What does KUTGW mean? Oh, and how is chapter four coming?

#33 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:51 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 22 2009, 12:49 PM, said:

Thanks. What does KUTGW mean? Oh, and how is chapter four coming?

KUTGW= Keep up the good work!!

I have a couple of ideas for ch. 4...

A.) Start out w/ the 20 Skrall talking to the Bone Hunters

B.) Start out w/ Gresh practicing in the Tesara Arena

or

C.) Start out w/ Skralla and Strakk walking in the wastelands...

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#34 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:56 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 22 2009, 11:51 AM, said:

KUTGW= Keep up the good work!!

I have a couple of ideas for ch. 4...

A.) Start out w/ the 20 Skrall talking to the Bone Hunters

B.) Start out w/ Gresh practicing in the Tesara Arena

or

C.) Start out w/ Skralla and Strakk walking in the wastelands...


I would say A is the best choice. Any suggestions for what I should do with the story of my entry?

Edited by Avohkahs' Sparks, 22 February 2009 - 05:57 PM.


#35 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 05:58 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 22 2009, 12:56 PM, said:

I would say A is the best choice. Any suggestions for what I should do with the story of my entry?

Well...not sure right now...I have to go and eat lunch now.....and I have some studying to do...I'll write Chapter 4 when I have time...

finished eating....still have to study but I'll be on here for a little bit more....and I started Ch. 4!!!


Major edit: Chapter 4!!!

At the Bone Hunter’s Camp, the 20 Skrall were locked into a conversation with the hunters.

“We need you to find this Skrall,” said the leader, presenting a scroll to Fero.

“I haven’t seen any Skrall lately, but I think my troops can find her,” replied Fero as he read the scroll.

“Our master, Tuma says that we have two weeks to find her or else he plans to conquer Bara Magna automatically,” answered the leader.

“Then I think we’d better get started,” said Fero, “Who knows where she’s at now…”

***

Gresh executed another flip and fired his thornax launcher. Tarix dodged it and fired his. Gresh swiped the oncoming thornax and leaped into the air, splitting his shield in half and knocked Tarix down. The Water Glatorian got up and exchanged blows between his Water Blades and Gresh’s Razor swords.

Gresh performed another flip and fired his thornax, not at Tarix but the ground nearby and that caused a small explosion, sending Tarix across the arena. He fell and this time, Gresh won.

“Well done, Gresh. But I think I see some company,” replied Tarix.

“You’re lying, aren’t you?” asked Gresh.

“Then meet the Princess of the Skrall,” said Skralla.

Gresh turned to see Strakk and a Skrall riding on top of a Spitik.

“Who are you?” asked Gresh.

“I am Princess Skralla, or at least I once was…” replied Skralla.

“I’ve heard legends about you,” said Tarix, “But what is going on now? Why did you run away from Roxtus?”

“I can’t tell you right now, until we find a hiding place. I am on the run from Tuma,” said Skralla.

“I know just the place,” said Gresh.

Gresh led the others to his hut, deep within the forestry of Tesara. Upon arriving his hut, Gresh opened a secret passageway that led to another room. Making sure that everyone got inside, he sealed the door.

“Okay. We’ll be safe in here, if any intruder comes in, I’ve built another passageway to escape,” said Gresh, “Now tell us more about yourself, Skralla.”

“Well…I was raised by Tuma for thousands of years. He was once a wise, noble ruler of the Skrall, but one day, ever since his “Class” was attacked by unknown entities, he grew concerned about me and worried me too much. Then as he became the last of his kind, he knew that someone like him was going to have to put things under control. That included him to conquer all of Bara Magna. I disagreed with his plans,” explained Skralla.

She hesitated to see if they were listening, then she resumed her tale.

“He wanted to conquer Bara Magna so he sent his “Skrall” to matches, gaining places, such as an oasis that your tribe wanted, Gresh.”

“How did you know my tribe needed that?” asked Gresh.

“Simple, I overhear what my father says to his troops and then I keep them in a diary but apparently I left it behind. I only had so much time to escape from Roxtus before he completely controlled me. Now I’m on the run, trying to get help from you guys as well as others that are against the Skrall’s new rule,” said Skralla.

***

Flashback: 101,950 years ago… (The Lift off of Mata Nui)

Certavus and Skralla raced across the shoreline of the Great Sea. According to Certavus, the Great Being’s project of a giant robot was complete. It was any time that the robot would finally awake and begin its journey.

“Is it still there?” asked Skralla, barely breathing.

“It’s hard to say…but I think I see something shiny up ahead!” replied Certavus.

They stopped just as an earthquake hit. The quake almost knocked them off of their feet.

“I think he’s awakening!” shouted Certavus.

It was true alright. The robot called Mata Nui lifted his head up, looking at the bright sky. He then pushed himself up and reached himself to the sky. The pressure of his hands caused the earthquake. Once Mata Nui stood up, he looked down at his feet. There he saw two strange beings that were looking back at him. His eyes were emerald green like the forestry of Tesara.

I would like to talk to them but I must leave. My universe needs protection, thought the Great Spirit.

Mata Nui bent his knees and jumped into the air. As long as the energy from his insides was flowing, he could stay in the air and fly into the galaxy.

Certavus and Skralla watched until the giant robot disappeared into the sky, perhaps forever.

“That is sure one powerful robot. I can’t believe he looked at us!” said Skralla.

“I was worried that he might attack us!” replied Certavus, “But it appears that he has some work to do. Who knows, maybe he’ll come back here for a visit.”

***

Present:

As soon as Skralla finished her tale, Tarix asked, “Then what will happen? Are you going to set up a rebellion?”

“I would, but what I need is a miracle. It’s going to take more than convincing him to have a change of heart,” answered Skralla.

Suddenly they all heard a noise of a stampede above. They could hear some conversation about a Skrall. Skralla gasped, they were on their way. If they find them here, she would get caught and sent back.

“Let’s go!” said Gresh, “We’ll take this secret exit.”

“Let’s head to my village,” said Tarix, “One of my friends, Berix would be more than happy to meet you, princess.”

Edited by Toa Mata Nui, 23 February 2009 - 03:29 AM.

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#36 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 03:34 AM

That's a good chapter.


P.S. I finished my story!

Edited by Avohkahs' Sparks, 28 February 2009 - 03:36 AM.


#37 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 04:27 AM

Good job finishing the story Avohkah!! But now I have to sleep.... *yawn* I'll release chapter 5 tomorrow on here. There's a copy of it on BZPower too if you want to see it there...as well as a revised Chapter 1!!!

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#38 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 04:28 AM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 27 2009, 10:27 PM, said:

Good job finishing the story Avohkah!! But now I have to sleep.... *yawn* I'll release chapter 5 tomorrow on here. There's a copy of it on BZPower too if you want to see it there...as well as a revised Chapter 1!!!


Cool! Thanks for posting in my topic. :classic:

#39 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 03:48 PM

Chapter 5:

Just as they reached the exit, they ran into a small tribe of Vorox. Before anyone reacted, the 20 Skrall discovered them.

“There they are!” shouted the leader, “Seize them!”

“Got any ideas?” asked Tarix.

“We’ll take as many as we can fight and try to escape,” said Gresh nervously.

“Like that’s going to help us?” asked Strakk, “We’re doomed!”

Ancestors, hear my prayer…help us escape…muttered Skralla quietly.

The Vorox and Skrall begin to surround them, not giving them any hope to escape. But before they could charge in, Skralla’s necklace begin to glow. It started out dim but it increased every second. Then a bright light surrounded Gresh, Tarix, Strakk, Skralla and her Spitik, enveloping them.

The Skrall and the Vorox were temporally blinded by the bright light. Then they all heard a strange sonic hum. But before anyone could try to get them, the light disappeared. And so did Gresh, Skralla, Tarix, Strakk and Malian, gone by unknown means.

“They have vanished!” shouted one Skrall, “We must pursue!”

Some of the Vorox hissed, which gave some Skrall attention towards them. After several hours of walking and searching, every Skrall agreed on one thing; they wanted a fight.

“Charge!” shouted the leader as both Skrall and Vorox begin to fight.

***

Tarix was the first to wake up. The bright light knocked him and the others unconscious for a few moments. But the sight to him was no surprise, but was shocked to be here in a matter of seconds.

We are in Tajun! I can’t believe it! I don’t know how it happened but that was some miracle…he thought.

The others slowly woke up and looked around.

“We’re in Tajun?” asked Gresh.

“From the looks of this place, yeah,” replied Strakk.

“My, it’s so beautiful!” said Skralla, “I’ve never seen such waterfalls. And look at some of these crystals!”

“You’ve never been to Tajun?” asked Tarix.

“ Don’t you remember? I was forbidden to leave ever since I gained the title of “Princess”!” answered Skralla.

“We’ve got to find Berix,” said Gresh. “Before the news spreads here.”

Strakk took a look at Skralla’s Necklace which was just barely a dim.

“It seems that your necklace has some form of an unknown power,” said Strakk.

“I don’t know where I got this. But it was a friend of mines, before he died,” answered Skralla.

***

The battle was over.

The 20 Skrall successfully defeated the Vorox.  

“Now how are we supposed to find them?” asked the Skrall lieutenant.

“I heard rumors of a raid on Tajun. Maybe they went there,” said Atakus.

“Why on earth they would go there?” asked another Skrall.

“Why not? I know how Gresh, Tarix and Strakk behave when it comes to trouble. They want to “save the day” and be like heroes! “

“Shouldn’t we just split up?”asked another Skrall.

“No! We cannot!” said Atakus, “Those were Tuma’s orders! If we split up, then there’s a good chance that the Vorox might catch up!”

“I once took down 3 Vorox within 6 minutes!” said another Skrall.

“Oh yeah! It took me 5 minutes!” argued another.

***

Malum returned to the wastelands to find the Vorox. When he found them, he saw them stunned like empty Thronax shells.

“Get up!” he growled.

A few Vorox managed to get up but others were weakened badly. One Vorox managed to tell Malum what happened. Malum frowned; he really hated the Skrall as well as hating to find one, especially if it was the princess.

After I complete this mission, I am going to send these Vorox on a raid to Roxtus, he thought as he led the Vorox to find the princess.

***

At Berix’s hut:

Berix was checking out Skralla’s necklace. He wanted to see if it could do something special besides teleporting.

“I’ve never seen such a thing,” he replied, “This is a very powerful necklace. In fact, we have no form of “magic” here, but I think this is a start!”

“What else I can do with it?” asked Skralla.

“I’m not sure. It sounds like that you have to know a phrase to activate this necklace. But I think I have an ancient scroll that can reveal these words.”

“Then this should get interesting,” said Tarix, “A Glatorian or better yet, a Skrall having “magical powers”.”

“That would be worth a fortune, if someone was going to buy that,” said Strakk.

“But would that make her immortal?” asked Gresh.

“Hey, if the magic is on my side, I can take down my father!” answered Skralla.

Berix returned with a heavy book but placed it on the table. He opened the book and scanned a few pages. It wasn’t until he found a section on legendary items where it included the necklace.

“Ah! The Ancient Necklace,” said Berix, “No one knows what the necklace really is or where it came from but rumors say that it was crafted by unknown beings that lived to create. The necklace was meant to be used as a defense, as well as an attack on special elemental powers, such as water, ice, and rock. When it is summoned, the necklace transforms into a staff and the user can access the powers of the staff. When the user is close to his death, he must select an apprentice.”

Berix checked to make sure they were all listening, then he continued, “No one knows the true words to activate the staff but the closest translation is saying “Ancient Staff, come to my aid!” but another person believed that the words are, “The power that lies in the Ancient Necklace, come and reveal yourself. Under your master, (who ever carries it), I command you to release!”

Skralla looked at her necklace. If I can activate this, then what will it provide for me?

Berix looked at her and said, “Take a few steps back and try the words. It’s best if we get out of the way. We don’t know how much room this spell requires to activate the staff.”

Skralla was a bit nervous but at this time, she was ready to do anything to save Bara Magna.

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#40 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 06:31 PM

Nice chapter. Good idea with the necklace.

#41 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:37 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 28 2009, 01:31 PM, said:

Nice chapter. Good idea with the necklace.

Indeed...for the next few chapters, the necklace will take on a major role....it will help Skralla on her quest....

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#42 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:40 PM

Do you think I'll win the SS5 contest?

#43 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:43 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 28 2009, 02:40 PM, said:

Do you think I'll win the SS5 contest?

Let's hope for the best!!! No matter what happens....your story was great, that's all it matters!!! Maybe you can post it here...(well not in this topic) but in another separate topic!!!

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#44 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:47 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 28 2009, 12:43 PM, said:

Let's hope for the best!!! No matter what happens....your story was great, that's all it matters!!! Maybe you can post it here...(well not in this topic) but in another separate topic!!!


Good idea, and thanks.

#45 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:50 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 28 2009, 02:47 PM, said:

Good idea, and thanks.

You're welcome...and guess what??

Spoiler

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#46 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:55 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 28 2009, 12:50 PM, said:

You're welcome...and guess what??

Spoiler

Cool! Then you can join the 20 Skrall Club!


P.S. Would you be able to do a drawing for my story today?

Edited by Avohkahs' Sparks, 28 February 2009 - 07:56 PM.


#47 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:56 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 28 2009, 02:55 PM, said:

Cool! Then you can join the 20 Skrall Club!


P.S. Would you be able to do a drawing for my story today?

I know!!!

What story??? Your short story???

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#48 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:57 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 28 2009, 12:56 PM, said:

I know!!!

What story??? Your short story???


Ya.

#49 Matsuoka Nui

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 07:58 PM

View PostAvohkahs' Sparks, on Feb 28 2009, 02:57 PM, said:

Ya.

Okay...I'll need some descriptions on each character...

I don't know if I'll have time today...I have to go somewhere tonight w/ my family....but we'll see. I don't have a lot of hw for school so I should be okay....

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#50 Avohkahs' Sparks

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 08:00 PM

View PostToa Mata Nui, on Feb 28 2009, 12:58 PM, said:

Okay...I'll need some descriptions on each character...

I don't know if I'll have time today...I have to go somewhere tonight w/ my family....but we'll see. I don't have a lot of hw for school so I should be okay....


If you can't do it today then I won't be able to use it. The contest ends tonight, and if you edit anything in after that you get disqualified.




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