24 replies to this topic

[Piranha]

Aye me hearties,

Here is my entry for the 2011 Pirates of the Caribbean Contest Entry (Mailing List Division). Now if you salty dogs happen to vote for me and win I would be happy with 4183 The Mill as the prize

Title: The Misadventures of Jack Sparrow " Where's all the rum then?"
By: Macoco

Somewhere in the blackest sea of the LEGO Caribbean:

Jack Sparrow, as we always find him, is off floating in his trusty dingy named the Lost Keg. A ship passes by.

"Ahoy there!" yelled Jack.

"Ahoy there sailor! Need a hand?" replied the Deckhand.

"No, I already have two, what I really need is a rope." Jack yelled back.

On deck Jack gets greeted by pirates he had never seen before which of course were the classic LEGOLAND Pirates.

"Aye mateys why all the grins?" remarked Jack.

Redbeard approached and remarked with a fiendish glee. "What brings you across our path this day?"

"Well apparently my boat" replied Jack smiling.

Redbeard scoffed, not being amused by Jacks wit.

"Not a pushover is he?" Jack whispered to the first mate standing by Redbeard.

Redbeard slapped Jack.

"Ouch! Now watch it there matey all I am interested in is perhaps a bottle of rum, savvy?" said Jack as he winked.

"What?" said Redbeard puzzled.

"Well it is rounded and has a hole in it and is nice and glossy" Jack said trying to describe the bottle of Rum.

"Ah a pagan, eh?" asked Redbeard.

Redbeard slapped Jack again.

"Throw him into the brig!" said Redbeard.

Unfortunately the cook, fed up with the leaks dripping over his food, switched rooms to the brig but forgot to change the sign. Subsequently, Jack was thrown into the kitchen.

"Aye there matey where's all the rum then?" asked Jack.

The cook was puzzled; Jack glanced at his compass spinning in no direction.

"No rum! A Travesty! What is a Pirate theme without rum?" Jack said with a shocked and disgusted face.

The cook with his generic classic smiley face replied "You should have been here when there was no Pirate theme, savvy?"

Word Count: 296

Edited by Macoco, 04 July 2011 - 07:18 AM.

[Tazmaniac]

You can add the 's to the title by doing a "full edit"
See how I used quotation marks just then , all spoken words should have them.
I'd avoid using abbreviations like BSB as it takes away from the story telling and looks cheap (please don't take offence).
I've seen others remark on the lack of rum in classic pirates but what do you think was in those barrels?....water, apples maybe?
You have a good story but it needs work, I'm sure those after the "creative critic" will help you out.
Good luck.

[blackpyre]

Hey a script!  I didn't expect to see one in this contest.

As for advice.  Well, formating will definitely be against you.  If I recall, everything should be centered with dialogue appearing under the character's name.

That will take a bit of coding though.

If you keep it this way, TazManiac is right in that you will need quotes for spoken dialogue.  

You give stage direction (i.e. scene changes and basic actions) but the story lacks solid actions.  I'd suggest creating images to go along with the dialogue.  You could make it like a comic strip.  That way the visuals could help support the dialogue.

As it stands, your dialogue is very straight forward and sensible.  This is great in terms of logical progression.  However, most of your story is dialogue and the overall effect is on the dry side.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think your dialogue needs a bigger flurrish.  Remember, your entire story sits upon these spoken words.  This means everything the characters say need to be larger than life.  We're talking grand pronouncements and impossible claims.

This will help capture the reader's attention.  It's okay to go too big.  It's usually harder to reign it in if it gets too big.

I hope this helps.  I really want to see your best work and I know the style you chose will demmand more than the average story.

Good luck

Will

[Tazmaniac]

Ah I didn't see it as a script but after reading it again I guess it is. In that case it needs more direction so that the players get a better sense of their intention.
Blackpyre has given some great feedback again, though the comic idea is not allowed in this comp.

Edited by TazManiac, 15 June 2011 - 09:43 AM.

[MstrOfPppts]

The idea is great and the LEGO references is clearly represented as in all other stories, and again from a different angle (this time mentioning the times with no Pirates theme).

I would not do a script for a fact of loosing words for names telling the lines but I see you don't have a problem with the words count. On the contrary you still have around 100 spare words. I'd really use them for giving the dialogues more life as already suggested by blackpyre. If I ever go to watch a play (that's what scripts are for) I prefer to watch a comedy. The joke Jack spited out was very funny and it could be improved by pissing off Red Beard a bit more. Maybe mentioning that he's looking for bottles and we all know there were none in the classic pirates :)

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 15 June 2011 - 09:53 AM.

[blackpyre]

TazManiac reminded me of something else common in scripts.

When a particular character is given action it usually cones right under the name italicized and in paranthesis.  This is done right before the dialogue.

It's too bad comic strips are out.  It would have made a killer comic.

Will

[Bricks4Fun]

Hello

I enjoyed you're script format as well, it gives a more dynamic feel to the entries in the contest that I read today. Script is an excellent way to make the most out of the word limit and you set it up nicely here.

However, I agree with Blackpyre that the dialogue needs work; you've improved on the format it seems, from reading the other posts, so now you can just expand on it and give you're characters more life in their words.

I feel that simply having Jack be detained as cook is anticlimactic, and that there could be more that you can do with the ending. Maybe Jack can bargain with Redbeard and have that be the focus of the story instead. Jack always bargains when captured as per the movies, so it would make sense here. Alternatively, you could opt to keep the current storyline intact but work on Jack's witty comebacks. Your example of Jack replying: "Well apparently my boat." is a nice example of this. If you see the movies, every other word from his mouth is a comedic line. And you have a comedic opening right there with the deckhand calling out to him; this is a nice place to insert a clever remark from Jack.  You have another opening when Jack first lays eyes on the classic pirate crew (which you wrote "he has never seen before"). Surely, if there's anyone who would greet the smiley-face minifig crew with sarcasm, it would be Jack.

Your story is funny but it can be funnier and more exciting if you wish to make it so. Good Luck!

[Piranha]

Thanks guys I am working on the adjustments. this was the very first rough (WIP) version of it.

I can't seem to add the "s" in the title even in the full editor?

well I made some changes what do you guys think?

Edited by Macoco, 16 June 2011 - 01:33 AM.

[Erdbeereis]

Only staff can edit topic titles. I'll do it for you though.

[Tazmaniac]

Erdbeereis, on 16 June 2011 - 01:26 AM, said:

Only staff can edit topic titles. I'll do it for you though.

Oh sorry for the miss-information,   I didn't know I had super powers ( as I can edit my own titles).

[Bricks4Fun]

Macoco,

Sweet! This certainly has more life in it than the first entry. The dialogue seems to flow much better as well; strong work!

The only things that caught my eye were these sentences:

"Mistakenly the cook was changing door signs at this time, he was fed up with the leak constantly dripping by his food. The crew end up throwing Jack in the kitchen instead."

Seems a little confusing to me. Are you trying to say that the cook switched rooms but forgot to switch the signs and so Jack was thrown into the kitchen instead? If this is what you were saying, might I suggest:

"The cook, fed up with the leaks dripping over his food, switched rooms to the brig but forgot to change the sign. Subsequently, Jack was thrown into the kitchen."

Again, these are merely suggestions. My apologies if I'm nitpicking. As I wrote above it is much improved already so do as you wish. In either case, awesome job!

[Piranha]

Bricks4Fun, on 16 June 2011 - 02:57 AM, said:

Macoco,

Sweet! This certainly has more life in it than the first entry. The dialogue seems to flow much better as well; strong work!

The only things that caught my eye were these sentences:

"Mistakenly the cook was changing door signs at this time, he was fed up with the leak constantly dripping by his food. The crew end up throwing Jack in the kitchen instead."

Seems a little confusing to me. Are you trying to say that the cook switched rooms but forgot to switch the signs and so Jack was thrown into the kitchen instead? If this is what you were saying, might I suggest:

"The cook, fed up with the leaks dripping over his food, switched rooms to the brig but forgot to change the sign. Subsequently, Jack was thrown into the kitchen."

Again, these are merely suggestions. My apologies if I'm nitpicking. As I wrote above it is much improved already so do as you wish. In either case, awesome job!

Changed to your suggestion, yes that is what was happening.
Now there is only one problem I am at around 400 words, need some thinning out to do. I might have to cut the names of the characters speaking.]

EDIT: well I switched from a script to a more normal writing style, now I went back to 400 words, what should I cut to reach the 300 limit?

Edited by Macoco, 16 June 2011 - 04:09 AM.

[MstrOfPppts]

Great! This story has improved a lot! I'd just point some things out, which will also help you reduce the ammount of words:

In the first there's no need to say that the ship picked him up, since it's recognized from the dialogue afterwards. It could just say a
ship passes his boat. Also no need for telling the ships name.

Also I'd remove the part of explaining how the kitchen was swaped with the jail and keep your original idea. It's humiliating enough for Captain to work in the kitchen, besides, he does not look tough nor dangerous, he's just not that good with words ...

I loved the hand joke, it really made me LOL! I also loved the part where the compas turned in no direction (of course Jack wishing for rum) from your original story and suggest to put that back in and skip the part with an empty cup.

Just a few suggestions from my side. All in all it has been greatly improved!

Edit: Also there's no need for double quotes here: "Ouch!" "Now ... You can simply continue the sentence after the exclamation, since it's said by the same person.

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 16 June 2011 - 07:49 AM.

[Cap'n Crunch]

'Why is the rum gone?'is closer to the film.

[Piranha]

MstrOfPppts, on 16 June 2011 - 07:47 AM, said:

Great! This story has improved a lot! I'd just point some things out, which will also help you reduce the ammount of words:

In the first there's no need to say that the ship picked him up, since it's recognized from the dialogue afterwards. It could just say a
ship passes his boat. Also no need for telling the ships name.

Also I'd remove the part of explaining how the kitchen was swaped with the jail and keep your original idea. It's humiliating enough for Captain to work in the kitchen, besides, he does not look tough nor dangerous, he's just not that good with words ...

I loved the hand joke, it really made me LOL! I also loved the part where the compas turned in no direction (of course Jack wishing for rum) from your original story and suggest to put that back in and skip the part with an empty cup.

Just a few suggestions from my side. All in all it has been greatly improved!

Edit: Also there's no need for double quotes here: "Ouch!" "Now ... You can simply continue the sentence after the exclamation, since it's said by the same person.

Thanks I will work on improving it

Cap, on 16 June 2011 - 12:26 PM, said:

'Why is the rum gone?'is closer to the film.

But not as original

[Bricks4Fun]

Macoco,

I definitely feel for you: you have several funny lines to work with but have to obviously cut some of them out for the sake of the word limit. It is difficult, but on the bright side, you have a wonderful problem: you get to pick the best of the best lines and in the end, probably make it even funnier.

The way I see it, you've got three scenes: first Jack comes aboard the ship (the shortest of the three) Jack meets the crew (the longest) and Jack heads to the kitchen. Your middle scene can probably be condensed. You'll have to be a brave editor and make decisive cuts here. This will probably get you under the word count.

Alternatively, if you're married to the scene between Jack and crew, you could choose to cut either the first scene or the last. In my opinion, I really like your first scene; you have an immediate good joke which is always a crowd pleaser and goes a long way to keeping the reader in your story. You also have the good setup of Jack being picked up by the BSB. Many possibilities here.  

The ending is not bad, but I'm not exactly in love with it. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure that it doesn't compromise the story.

Hope this helps, and good luck! I really want to see you give us a knockout.

[Piranha]

I think I am finished finally got it down to 299 words


The title doesn't count right? (after the bold I counted)

[MstrOfPppts]

Splendid! I really love the way this story is improving. I'd just point out a few more things that would polish it even further, but this are really little details and might be to subjective, so feel free to ignore them.

First I see you skipped the mentioning of the ship totally, which is not such a great idea. Going from floating in nowhere directly to the dialogue is a bit strange. You don't have to mention the namo nor shape or color of the ship, just that Jack passes a ship.

Than this: ... what I really need (beside rum) is a rope" - here I'd get rid of the (beside rum) part for sparing the words for the ship. Or at least get rid of the paranthesis. It's not clear did Jack really say that, did he just think about it, or is it just a description for the readers. If he said that, just replace the parens with comas else skip it.

Okay, last thing I'd change are still the double and tripple question or exclamation marks. One is enough and multiple are only used in messages sent via messenger or other instant messeging apps, to express feelings. It's not in common writers way and feels to much like "leet speak". Also there are some little mistakes like space after quotes, in: " Not a pushover ... but that can be easily corrected by rereading the story through a few more times before posting the final version.

All in all it's a very promissing entry!

EDIT: Another thing I noticed in reading it agaiin is this line:
The Cook happened to have the generic classic smiley face. Hre I'd simply change it to: The Cook with his generic classic smiley face replied ... or something similar. The thing is that the word combination "happened to have" seems like there is somethin behind it and further explanation is expected. It left me with the question: Why did the cook happen to have the face he did?

Edited by MstrOfPppts, 19 June 2011 - 11:14 AM.

[blackpyre]

Woah, now that's what I call kicking the dialogue up a notch!

It was at 5 before, now it's at 11 because that's one more than 10.

At this point I wouldn't really change much since your sitting at a good word count and have a complete scene.

I think I would ask you to punch up the verbs and adjectives not to fix anything but to see what you'd do with it since you smashed it through with the dialogue.  Let me give an example of what I'm talking about.

Let's say we had a sentence like this:

The tall man walked along the street.

Using more exciting words may turn out something like this:

The lanky fellow tottered along the lane.

Manages to give more description while saying the same thing.

And let me re-state, I don't think anything is wrong with your story.  I'm just curious to see what you could do with this approach.

Will

[Piranha]

Suggestions taken in and edited. Word count is now 296

[SilvaShado]

Great punch line! I really liked the humor in this piece, but it’s a little held back by not enough description. It’s hard to see what is going on. It’s especially important at the beginning so the reader can get oriented.

I’d suggest starting with Jack on Redbeard’s ship. That will give you more words to describe and still have the good humor and punch line.

Also, punctuation needs a little work. It’s always hard to know where to put commas, but if you’d like, I can go through it after you’ve revised a bit.

The above is just my opinion, feel free to take it or leave it. I hope it helps you. Good luck in the contest!

[MstrOfPppts]

I disagree with this since with Jack starting on the ship we'd miss the funniest joke - the one with the hands! I always chuckle only looking at the title of this entry browsing through forums reminding me of that!

[Piranha]

Hey guys thanks for all the suggestions I have decided that this is the final version. Now unto the grammar check, let me know if I missed anything?

Edited by Macoco, 03 July 2011 - 01:15 AM.

[Bricks4Fun]

Hey Macoco

You've come a long way and I must say this is a very strong entry you've got here. All the elements are here: a complete story, funny dialogue good characterization. I like the last line in particular after you added 'savvy' to the last line of dialogue. It makes it sound as though the cook is mocking Jack, which I find hilarious! I can picture it happening when I read it and that is the mark of a good writer.

For the most part there aren't too many grammar issues, and some suggestions are just to help the story flow better. Nothing major.

First line:

"Somewhere in the LEGO Caribbean in the Blackest Sea:"

I think this sounds more dramatic,

"Somewhere in the blackest sea of the LEGO Caribbean:"


Also, some commas here would help:

"Jack Sparrow, as we always find him, is off floating in his..."


A period within the quotation of "what I really need is a rope."


I think these two sentences sound better combined:

Redbeard approached.

"What brings you across our path this day?" said Redbeard with a fiendish glee.

Change to:

Redbeard approached and remarked with a fiendish glee. "What brings you across our path this day?"



This reads better with a comma after 'scoffed'

"Redbeard scoffed, not being amused by Jacks wit."


Here an exclamation after brig sounds better, reinforcing Redbeard's anger:

"Throw him into the brig!"



As always, take them or leave them, they're just suggestions. I'm glad I was able to help. Here's hoping you knock 'em dead in the contest!

[Piranha]

I agree with your improvements and edited them so, thanks!