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The Great Escape


10 replies to this topic  – Started by Artifex , Jul 05 2011 07:41 PM

#1 Artifex

Artifex

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Posted 05 July 2011 - 07:44 PM

The Great Escape


It was always warm in the Enchanted Island. But for Captain Jack Sparrow, things were just hot; being roasted for King Kahuka’s banquet had its price, after all… But Jack was the main course, and in some strange way that made him proud.

Face down, Jack turned his head and took a look. It wouldn’t take long.

Captain Brickbeard approached, saying, “Smiling? Don’t you know you’re to be eaten? Out of your depth yet again, huh, Jack?”

With Brickbeard, things always came back to that. They had been raised into piracy by the same captain — Redbeard. They were best friends, but then there was Anne.

Brickbeard had been in love with Anne. But Jack had seen it in her eyes that things would be different than Brickbeard had hoped for…

Brickbeard was sick one night and wouldn’t leave Redbeard’s Black Seas Barracuda. Jack was drunk; Anne seized the opportunity. Waking up by her side had been as much a surprise for Jack as it had been for Brickbeard.

“Did you know your crew’s fighting Governor Broadside’s imperials in that old mill up the mountain?”, said Brickbeard.

Jack took another look. Only a few seconds left.

“Smiling again? You nuts?”, said Brickbeard.

There was a loud noise, screaming and running. Rocks and bricks coming down fast, and a mill wheel rolling down the mountainside. Will Turner was on top of it, moving his legs fast for his life.

It rolled right through the fire, taking Jack with it all the way down to the beach.

“Practice makes perfect, huh, Jack?”

Head spinning but safe, there wasn’t much to complain.

“So it seems, Will… On to the Black Pearl!”

“Relax! They’re all the way up the mountain!”

“Forget them! I need to check if a certain wench would still like to share some rum…”


THE END

(for the moment...)


:thumbup: :pir-classic: :thumbup:  

300 words sharp  :thumbup:

I hope you all enjoy it. I had a great time writing it.  :pir-wub:

:jollyroger: REFERENCES  :jollyroger:


In order of appearance:

6278 Enchanted Island (review)

30131 Jack Sparrow (review #1 and review#2)

6236 King Kahuka (review)

6243 BrickBeard (Brickbeards Bounty review #1 and review #2)

6285 Redbeard (Black Seas Barracuda: review #1 and review #2)

6253 Anne (Shipwreck Hideout review)

6285 Black Seas Barracuda (review #1 and review #2)

6274 & 6276 Governor Broadside (Caribbean Clipper: review #1 and review #2; Eldorado Fortress review)

6271 Imperials (Imperial Flagship review; many other sets)

4183 The mill (review #1 and review #2)

4182 Will Turner (The Cannibal Escape: review #1 and review #2)

30130 Black Pearl (Mini Black Pearl review)

Edited by Artifex, 11 July 2011 - 03:28 AM.

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#2 Bricks4Fun

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Posted 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM

Artifex

Before I start, I must say I love your avatar, I think G.I. Joe would've been beaten badly had Ozzy been in charge instead of Cobra Commander.

I was just thinking to myself how we've had almost all of the different factions in LEGO Pirates included in these stories, except for the Islanders and King Kahuka. And here you go and fulfill this wish to see them included in a story; nice work! I like how you mention in the beginning that Jack is kind of proud to be the main course; Jack would definitely think that, ha.

I also like the back story between Jack and Brickbeard and how they were raised by Redbeard. That's a very nice and tidy way to establish their relationship. You also did a good job including several sets and characters in the story.

The running joke about Jack noticing Brickbeard smiling all the time works well too, nice comedic relief with Jack saying that.

Some suggestions:
"Anne was the wench Brickbeard had been in love"
You should add 'with' to the end of that sentence, otherwise it doesn't read well. You could use this alternative and save yourself the headache of the word count: "Brickbeard had once loved the wench called Anne." or "Anne; A wench Brickbeard was in love with."

In the beginning when you introduce Brickbeard, I'm not sure what is going on. Is he being held captive alongside Jack? Is he trying to rescue Jack? A brief explanation in the beginning would help clarify this. As I read it I believe they are both being held captive, but someone else might not read it the same way. You want to make your narrative clear.

One thing that has been a pet peeve for many in the contest is to not clearly state who is speaking when you introduce dialogue. For example:
"“Did you know your crew's fighting Governor Broadside’s imperials in that old mill up the mountain?”
Is Jack saying this to Brickbeard? I can see that at the end, it is Brickbeard who says this to Jack, but nonetheless, I would try and have narrative either introducing your dialogue or at the end of it. It is not a pet peeve of mine, as I can mostly figure out who is saying what, but I notice it is something that is frequently seen as confusing. Since this is a voting contest, you might want to address this.

All things considered, I like this story, in particular the Anne backstory. With some minor retooling, I think it can be even better. You've got an awesome foundation here; good job and good luck!

#3 Artifex

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Posted 06 July 2011 - 01:48 PM

Hi there!

Thanks for all the constructive criticism, Bricks4Fun.

I guess spending a couple of hours bringing this baby from 1,000+ words down to 300 made me cut a couple of things that I believed people would just take for granted. For example, I was pretty sure no one would think Brickbeard was a captive too (in the "extended edition" there was a line or two about Brickbeard's alliance with the Islanders, but I had to take it out.)


View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

Artifex

Before I start, I must say I love your avatar, I think G.I. Joe would've been beaten badly had Ozzy been in charge instead of Cobra Commander.

Thanks! I'm not sure Ozzy would be a better commander, but he'd be a hell of an addition to Cobra! :pirate_skel1:


View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

I was just thinking to myself how we've had almost all of the different factions in LEGO Pirates included in these stories, except for the Islanders and King Kahuka. And here you go and fulfill this wish to see them included in a story; nice work! I like how you mention in the beginning that Jack is kind of proud to be the main course; Jack would definitely think that, ha.

I have to admit that I only realized that after I finished my entry. Before posting it, I didn't read any of the other entries, so that was a surprise for me.  :pir_laugh2:

View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

I also like the back story between Jack and Brickbeard and how they were raised by Redbeard. That's a very nice and tidy way to establish their relationship. You also did a good job including several sets and characters in the story.

Thanks. As Captain Brickbeard was around last year, and Captain Jack Sparrow is now around, I just thought that maybe the two of them were around the same age. At least in my entry they are. To be honest, I think Brickbeard is a bit older than Jack by maybe some 10 years.

View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

The running joke about Jack noticing Brickbeard smiling all the time works well too, nice comedic relief with Jack saying that.

Sadly, that wasn't meant as a joke... Jack has no lines in this entry, save for those two in the end... Brickbeard does all the talking, but I guess I fixed that now.


View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

Some suggestions:
"Anne was the wench Brickbeard had been in love"
You should add 'with' to the end of that sentence, otherwise it doesn't read well. You could use this alternative and save yourself the headache of the word count: "Brickbeard had once loved the wench called Anne." or "Anne; A wench Brickbeard was in love with."

Fixed. Thanks for the advice. There was a 'with' there, but I had to cut it off to get the entry down to 300 words... :pir_laugh2: But I changed that now, thank you.

View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

In the beginning when you introduce Brickbeard, I'm not sure what is going on. Is he being held captive alongside Jack? Is he trying to rescue Jack? A brief explanation in the beginning would help clarify this. As I read it I believe they are both being held captive, but someone else might not read it the same way. You want to make your narrative clear.

I changed it to "Captain Brickbeard approached, saying:" to make things clearer. I guess the entry is now free of that problem, which may lead the wrong way. Thank you again.

View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

One thing that has been a pet peeve for many in the contest is to not clearly state who is speaking when you introduce dialogue. For example:
"“Did you know your crew's fighting Governor Broadside’s imperials in that old mill up the mountain?”
Is Jack saying this to Brickbeard? I can see that at the end, it is Brickbeard who says this to Jack, but nonetheless, I would try and have narrative either introducing your dialogue or at the end of it. It is not a pet peeve of mine, as I can mostly figure out who is saying what, but I notice it is something that is frequently seen as confusing. Since this is a voting contest, you might want to address this.

Thanks again. After a couple of hours cutting words off, I guess I just took some things for granted. I guess it's much clearer now, especially in the beginning, with Brickbeard approaching before saying anything.

View PostBricks4Fun, on 06 July 2011 - 02:09 AM, said:

All things considered, I like this story, in particular the Anne backstory. With some minor retooling, I think it can be even better. You've got an awesome foundation here; good job and good luck!

Once again, thanks for all the comments and constructive criticism. I guess my entry is better now, thank you.  :thumbup:

Edited by Artifex, 06 July 2011 - 02:01 PM.

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#4 Cap'n Crunch

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Posted 06 July 2011 - 02:33 PM

Quote

To write a short story (300 words or less) about classic LEGO® Pirates encountering the characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
This is the main aim of the story.

Quote

With Brickbeard, things always came back to that. When young, they were raised into piracy by the same captain — Redbeard. They were best friends, but then there was Anne
Brickbeard and Jack Sparrow were both raised by Redbeard, so this means that the two have met before. This isn't an encounter, it's more of a reunion between friends. I would suggest changing the story so that Jack and Brickbeard never met before. This would make it a real encounter.

A smaller issue is that you could consider changing Anne into one of the characters from either the Pirates of the Caribbean theme or Classic Pirates, so as to increase the link between the two themes. I think introducing a brand-new character seems a little risky as readers may become confused with the character. Who is she? Is she a ship, like the Queen Anne's Revenge? Is she an existing character? Is she the governer's daughter from Brickbeard's Bounty?

Some minor errors

Quote

Anne ceased the opportunity
I think you were trying to say

Quote

Anne seized the opportunity
right?

Overall, I think this is a refreshing change from the old Brickbeard versus Jack Sparrow story. I like the way your story featured sets from Classic Pirates and POTC alike.
My current flagship : Princess Taiping


Fan of sugarythirsty pirates

#5 Artifex

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Posted 06 July 2011 - 02:57 PM

Thanks for all the comments, criticism and suggestions, Cap'n Crunch.  :thumbup:

View PostCap, on 06 July 2011 - 02:33 PM, said:

This is the main aim of the story.  Brickbeard and Jack Sparrow were both raised by Redbeard, so this means that the two have met before. This isn't an encounter, it's more of a reunion between friends. I would suggest changing the story so that Jack and Brickbeard never met before. This would make it a real encounter.

Actually, that's an encounter too. An encounter can be both a first meeting or a reunion - however unlikely, unusual or unexpected. It doesn't have to be a first meeting per se.

View PostCap, on 06 July 2011 - 02:33 PM, said:

A smaller issue is that you could consider changing Anne into one of the characters from either the Pirates of the Caribbean theme or Classic Pirates, so as to increase the link between the two themes. I think introducing a brand-new character seems a little risky as readers may become confused with the character. Who is she? Is she a ship, like the Queen Anne's Revenge? Is she an existing character? Is she the governer's daughter from Brickbeard's Bounty?

Anne is an existing Lego Pirates character. :thumbup:

Check her out in the references: 6253 Anne Shipwreck Hideout review

View PostCap, on 06 July 2011 - 02:33 PM, said:

Some minor errors  I think you were trying to say  right?

Thanks - that was what I was aiming for. Fixed. :thumbup:

View PostCap, on 06 July 2011 - 02:33 PM, said:

Overall, I think this is a refreshing change from the old Brickbeard versus Jack Sparrow story. I like the way your story featured sets from Classic Pirates and POTC alike.

Thanks a lot. I tried to show as many elements from both universes as fit the story.

Thanks for all the comments, criticism and suggestions. :thumbup:

Edited by Artifex, 06 July 2011 - 02:58 PM.

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#6 blackpyre

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 06:51 PM

Hey Artifex,

I really like the setting you've got here.  It's refreshing and filled with more LEGO references than I'm familiar with.  Thanks for the reference section at the end of the story.

I think the only thing I noticed was a small mispelling.

Quote

It rolled right trough the fire, taking Jack with it all the way down to the beach.

"Trough" should be "Through."

Other than that great job!

Will

Check out my LEGO set reviews.

My first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on Amazon! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#7 SilvaShado

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Posted 07 July 2011 - 07:23 PM

Very enjoyable! I love the setting and dialogue. I only have a few minor technical suggestions.

First off, I'm a little confused as to why you've italicized certain words. Some are names, but others are just plain words. I'd be careful of over-using italics. It's good to use once in a while to emphasize an important word, but not to use it everywhere.

Next, for the dialogue, there should be a comma before quotes, not colons. For example:

Quote

Captain Brickbeard approached, saying: “Smiling? Don’t you know you’re to be eaten? Out of bounds yet again, huh, Jack?”
It should be: Captain Brickbeard approached, saying, "Smiling?

I also wouldn't use ellipses as they don't usually add much. I'd suggest taking it out of the first paragraph, but later on in the dialogue, it actually works just fine so I'd say to leave it in. But it's really up to you.

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#8 Artifex

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 03:22 AM

View Postblackpyre, on 07 July 2011 - 06:51 PM, said:

Hey Artifex,

I really like the setting you've got here.  It's refreshing and filled with more LEGO references than I'm familiar with.  Thanks for the reference section at the end of the story.

I think the only thing I noticed was a small mispelling.



"Trough" should be "Through."

Other than that great job!

Will

Thanks for the kind words and all comments! and for the spelling help there!

View PostSilvaShado, on 07 July 2011 - 07:23 PM, said:

Very enjoyable! I love the setting and dialogue. I only have a few minor technical suggestions.

First off, I'm a little confused as to why you've italicized certain words. Some are names, but others are just plain words. I'd be careful of over-using italics. It's good to use once in a while to emphasize an important word, but not to use it everywhere.

Next, for the dialogue, there should be a comma before quotes, not colons. For example:
[i]
It should be: Captain Brickbeard approached, saying, "Smiling?

I also wouldn't use ellipses as they don't usually add much. I'd suggest taking it out of the first paragraph, but later on in the dialogue, it actually works just fine so I'd say to leave it in. But it's really up to you.


Thanks for your kind words, comments and suggestions.

I've italicized certain words because they are references both in the Lego Pirates universe or in the Pirates of the Caribbean universe. no other reason than that.
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#9 SilvaShado

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 06:54 PM

View PostArtifex, on 11 July 2011 - 03:22 AM, said:

Thanks for your kind words, comments and suggestions.

I've italicized certain words because they are references both in the Lego Pirates universe or in the Pirates of the Caribbean universe. no other reason than that.

Welcome! Glad I could help.

Thanks for explaining the italics. It's your choice to write it as you like it. :pir-classic:

Check out my profile & blog entries at The Brick Blogger

Here are the MOCs that my husband and I built: Flickr and BrickShelf

My Husband's first novel, The Cleric, is published and available on
Amazon (both print & Kindle ebook)! It's a humoristic tale of moderate adventure with a dash of romance.


#10 Zilcho

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Posted 16 July 2011 - 09:57 PM

This is quite entertaining, Artifex. There were a few humorous parts, including the first couple and last lines. Overall I felt the story was a little hard to understand; the part explaining Brickbeard and Jack's past together could have been in one paragraph to simplify things. I also feel that the heavy speech means the story lacks in detail, this, however, was due to the 300 word restriction. If you had 400 - 500 words I am sure you could have created a funny and interesting story with a lot of detail making it clear what is happening. Having said that I do like your story. I especially liked how you took a scene from the second movie and mixed it with some of the classic pirate characters and sets.

Well done and I wish you good luck in the competition.

Edited by Zilcho, 16 July 2011 - 09:58 PM.


#11 Artifex

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 09:58 PM

Thanks for the kind words, Zilcho! :thumbup:

I guess I'm already a winner by bringing the entry down to 300 words.  :pir-laugh:  I intend to post the whole text after the competition is over, just because I had so much fun writing it!
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