Comrade Commander Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Greetings Comrades! Here is my entry for the contest. Hope you like it! Word Count: 298 Feel free to give any feedback. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ As the Imperial Trading Post slipped into the mist behind him, Captain Jack Sparrow chuckled at where fate had taken him. It had started with an escape that had been almost too easy. The days of the fortresses like Eldorado were long gone. The new Admiral seemed to care more about raiding pirate bases, than building his own. Not that Jack minded, since the Imperial jail he had been held in was of such poor construction, his escape had almost been as simple as walking right out the back! Finding a ship and recruiting a new crew had been futile though. Pirates such as Ironhook and Red Beard had already claimed the limited amount of able bodies offered. So Jack had set out alone in his quest for revenge. In his travels he discovered the Enchanted Island, and traded the treasures stolen from there for gold and rum to support his mission. He had even profited from selling his map to his competition once he was done with it. And so it was, for the ten years he had spent since being marooned on that godforsaken island by his mutinous crew. Running first from Governor Broadside and his army of blue, and then Admiral Woodhouse who had turned the sea red, Jack Sparrow had crossed the Caribbean alone and on a mission. Yet, the rumors whispered about a new Imperial Flagship had convinced Jack he needed to do more. So he had gathered up his effects and set off for a distant land, one where the other pirate captains had not yet pillaged. And so, as the last gloom of the Imperial lanterns disappeared into the night, Captain Jack Sparrow set his mind on his target and followed the compass in his hand towards his destination… Port Royal! Edited July 10, 2011 by Comrade Commander Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bricks4Fun Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Hello Comrade Commander Nice work with this entry, which works more like a prequel to the first movie. I like how you seamlessly connected the world of LEGO pirates to POTC through Jack; it shows that you are a student of both and it makes for a good story. I also like how we take a tour of the LEGO factions, when you mention each of them, including the Islanders with the Enchanted Island. These are but a few suggestions, hope you find them useful This: Not that Jack mind. The Imperial jail he had been held in was of such poor construction, the escape had almost been as easy as walking right out the back! This sentence can be combined and 'mind' should be 'minded' Ex: Not that Jack minded, for the Imperial jail he had been held in was of such poor construction, the escape had almost been as easy as walking right out the back! When separating sentences, it make sit easier on the reader to combine related sentences into one wherever necessary. This isn't a must, but it does make it easier on the reader. Ex: So Jack had set out on his own, discovering the Enchanted Island, and trading the treasures stolen from there for gold and rum. He had even profited from selling his map to his competition once he was done with it. While I understand that the gist of your story is about Jack and his travels throughout the Caribbean, it would help tie all the elements and locations together if you explicitly state that Jack is looking for something. For example you could write that Jack was searching for the cursed Aztec Gold in the LEGO Caribbean. This is just an example, but it would help make the story more exciting if Jack has his motivation clearly defined. It shouldn't cut into the word count too much, and if you need help trimming, feel free to ask for help. In fact, you could simply state that his motivation was to simply plunder, and that the next big catch for him is Port Royal. I would also recommend a adding a picture to your submission if you can. Many of the other entries have done this and it makes your story stand out which is key in a voting contest. Your writing is very good, I would just work a little more on the premise and I think you're solid. Good Luck and as always, they're just suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em, I enjoyed your story either way :) Edited July 10, 2011 by Bricks4Fun Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade Commander Posted July 10, 2011 Thanks for that helpful advice. I had seen you add some helpful advice in other threads and I am glad you did the same here. I also want to say that you presented them in a very helpful manner, and I truly appreciate your style. It is a lot better than some of the other critiques you see around the web! You have no idea how many times I checked and rechecked my work and I still made that spelling error! Oh well, I guess that is why they say you should always have someone else proofread your work. When I first wrote out the story in Microsoft Word, I had it broken up into paragraphs. However, when I brought it into the forums, it just didn't look right. I think it is just longer than I am used to writing on discussion boards. Either way, I will definitely work on the suggestions you made. Thanks again for all the ideas, and keep up the good comments! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bricks4Fun Posted July 10, 2011 I definitely can relate to you when you mentioned reading over your story multiple times. I try to be as meticulous as possible when it comes to writing and still there are mistakes. Thanks for being so nice, I appreciate it; I will be here to help for the edit when you post it. Good luck in the contest! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SilvaShado Posted July 10, 2011 I agree with Bricks4Fun in that I like how you seamlessly wove the classic pirates world with Pirates of the Caribbean. This is a very nice narrative that sums up Jack's past travels. And while it's good and written well, the only thing I'd point out is that you have no action. This feels like the beginning of a movie where text is rolling across the screen, recapping what's already happened so the audience will be well-informed about the events that will soon happen. I don't necessarily think you should change it. I just want to point this out so you're aware that it might turn off some readers. And who knows, I may be alone in this opinion. Good luck in the contest! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zilcho Posted July 19, 2011 Hi Comrade. Your story is interesting and creative. It is very different to all of the other entries as there is little action and a lot more story telling. Whether this is a good thing or not is the readers preference. I myself quite like this, I like the style of it as it makes me feel a lot further away from Jack whereas more action based stories I feel as if I was there. Having said that, I don't think this style is the best for a short story and deserves to be part of a longer story (around 1000 words). I wish you good luck in this competition and advise that if any similar competition arises but with a larger word count you should participate with the same style you used in this one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade Commander Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for the great feedback everyone! I guess the goal of this story was to provide a "credit scroll" as SilvaShadow put it. A little more action was tried when I first wrote it, but the 300 word limit prevented me from meshing it with the rest of my objectives. Understandably the lack of it may turn some people off. Maybe there will be an opportunity for me to expand and fine tune it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
